Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing... - FML

By "Growlithe1395" - 11/3/2017 16:00

Today, I finally got my hands on a Nintendo Switch. While unboxing it, I left the room to get a pair of scissors. When I came back, most of the box contents were missing and my little brother was standing there. It has been about 5 hours and I still haven't been able to find anything. FML

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FML every way you look at it

Healthy relationship

Property law

By murphslaw - 29/3/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, as I was doing the morning count for the registers, a lady walked by and saw me. She's got Alzheimer's, and thought I was robbing the guy I'd bought the store from, so she called the cops. I spent six hours in jail while they looked into it, and didn't even get an apology. FML

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By ifaisal - 26/2/2010 03:05 - Qatar

Today, I was on a date with someone I've had a crush on for a long time. It was after midnight, we were chatting in the car and I was close to having my first kiss ever. That is, until a bunch of policemen popped up to arrest my date for being a suspected drug dealer. FML

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By greeple - 10/9/2012 16:19 - Singapore

Today, I decided to clean my face of unwanted visitors, and spent my shower popping the pimples on my cheeks. Twenty minutes later, I remembered that I was showering ahead of a date with my girlfriend. My cheeks now look like the crater-filled surface of Mars. FML

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By panda - 3/3/2011 11:20

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By LH0026 - 6/8/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By S.Bunny - 22/1/2010 08:14 - United States

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

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By nerderer - 15/3/2015 14:57 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad decided that the best way to alleviate my crippling depression is to talk to me in a baby voice. FML

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By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Soon.

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

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By cherry - 10/4/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

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By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By "jesstracy" - 4/10/2017 09:00 - United States - Naperville

Today, I took my dog to the emergency vet at 4 in the morning because he ate something he shouldn't have. I spent hundreds of dollars on tests, all to find out he'll pass it. What did he eat? My silicon strap-on. FML

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By itchyyet - 3/1/2016 05:52 - Australia - Hawker

Today, a friend who visited me a week ago with "allergy rashes" told me that it's actually scabies, and she hopes I didn't catch it from her. It takes 2-6 weeks for the symptoms to show and I can't use the medication for it anyway because I'm pregnant. FML

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By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

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By WTF?!?! - 9/9/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 16:35 - United States - Overland Park

Today, at my daughter's fundraiser, I noticed that a guy with a face only a fist could love kept staring at her. I said "Beautiful, isn't she?" Before I could tell him to keep it in his damned pants, he replied "Hah. She's my girlfriend, dude. Total beast in the sack." Complete news to me on both counts. FML

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By moosemay - 14/1/2016 15:05 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, my husband taught our son how to pee while standing. His aim is as poor as my husband's, but I guess now they can blame their mess on each other. FML

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By Tom - 15/6/2009 10:07 - Israel

Today, I was woken up by a funky smell. My dog had eaten a dead bird and thrown up all over my bed and floor. At 4 o'clock in the morning I had to clean up regurgitated bits of bird, feathers, blood and dog food. The smell still hasn't gone away. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 06:00 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. After it was over I got up and noticed a designer purse sitting on the ground in the back row. I opened it to look for anything that could give me a address so I could return it. The owner came back, assumed I was robbing her, and punched me in the nose. FML

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By whymommywhy - 21/4/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, my hamster gave birth. The babies were very cute and I couldn't resist petting one. Apparently touching a baby hamster will cause it's mother to reject and devour it. I am now know in my family as "The Hamster Slaughterer." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2017 19:00 - Ireland - Navan

Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a "little person". FML

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By itwasntme - 7/9/2019 16:00

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

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By bumpyroad - 17/4/2011 14:29 - Australia

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

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By djteller - 25/4/2009 00:13 - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By Lolzords - 14/9/2010 10:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By sadness - 12/10/2012 02:48 - United States - Metairie

Today, the guy I'm dating came into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say, "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

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By ninja breakup? - 11/10/2018 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of six years came home wearing a ninja suit. When I asked why, he said "These are my breakup clothes. I'm breaking up with you." He then screamed, threw a plastic shuriken at me and ran away. It hit me in the breast. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend's mom doesn't wear pyjamas when I got up to go get a glass of water in the middle of the night, at the same time she did. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

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By Pissy - 27/11/2016 20:15

Today, I was traveling home with my four-year-old son. While we were standing in line at the security checkpoint, I hear the sound of water dripping and turned to find my son urinating on the floor. He'd read a sign that said we weren't allowed to take any liquids with us. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2017 19:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2011 07:24 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By anon - 1/7/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

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By Professional - 29/5/2017 14:00

Today, I was fed up with things being taken from my room so I installed a key-locking handle on my door. I installed everything but the door knobs, and because I was worried that I would put the two of them on backwards, I closed the door to check. I'm now locked in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2011 08:28 - Australia

Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML

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By AcademicAdvisor - 25/4/2016 20:14 - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

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By Sabre - 10/7/2018 01:30

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 06:00

Today, I found out my roommate has been using my bed for months because he didn't want his sheets to "smell like gay sex" when his mom washed them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on a plane with my grandma. A cute guy sat down next to her. She asked his age. He told her he was 16. She said, "Oh, that's how old my granddaughter here is." She then turned to me and said loudly, "You should switch seats with me, he's HOT!" Well, at least Grandma loves me. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7423429 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:03

Time to waterboard the kid for information.

That's acceptable under our new management.

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7423432 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:16

hope you find everything. hope you popped his butt, too. he's old enough to know better than to touch things that aren't his.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7423429 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:03

Time to waterboard the kid for information.

That's acceptable under our new management.

By sweetbliss3 | 37

#7423432 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:16

hope you find everything. hope you popped his butt, too. he's old enough to know better than to touch things that aren't his.

Reply

sweetbliss3 | 37

#7423439 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:23

totally read that wrong and I do not know how old is he lol so maybe disregard that whole comment. my bad, people!

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7423513 - Saturday 11 March 2017 20:41

If it helps, I read that in the intended context before I read your reply.

Reply

Duke_caleb | 7

#7424050 - Sunday 12 March 2017 21:31

How do you know it doesn't even say his age.

By Tripartita | 44

#7423441 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:36

You might be one of the only people who know just how much of the Switch is digestible in a few more hours.

By Selina1407 | 11

#7423443 - Saturday 11 March 2017 16:45

If I had a sibling they wouldn't dare touch my switch (if I was fortunate enough to actually afford one rn) cause I'd go on a war path lol

By species4872 | 19

#7423472 - Saturday 11 March 2017 18:26

How could your little brother get into the box without scissors and you couldn't?

Reply

Koselill | 8

#7424589 - Monday 13 March 2017 21:46

Im guessing he just took the entire box?

By MidnaLink | 32

#7423514 - Saturday 11 March 2017 20:46

Just how long were you gone that the little booger could hide it that well?

By iamnuff | 11

#7423520 - Saturday 11 March 2017 21:13

Time to beat your brother for information, I guess.

By TADspace | 30

#7423532 - Saturday 11 March 2017 22:01

Throw him into a pit of fire.

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#7423695 - Sunday 12 March 2017 5:40

Or, better yet, dangle him over a pit and threaten to drop him if he doesn't sing like a Canary. Just lower him inch by inch until he speaks.

By Gameoftheombosis | 6

#7423778 - Sunday 12 March 2017 9:49

He's either 18months, youre blind or you're a wuss. How can a little kid punk you like that?

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7424158 - Monday 13 March 2017 0:25

Take bro's prized possessions and keep them until he gives it back.

depends on how old bro is though.

Reply

crims0nangel | 16

#7437753 - Wednesday 12 April 2017 20:06

The age wouldn't matter to me, don't touch my stuff.