Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, my 15 year-old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML
Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
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Top comments
untoward 0
well if your masturbating so much, probably no one is seeing your penis anyway
katieebabyy 0
carrot crotch!
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Comments (353)
Mauskau 36
ydi for using lotion
pinkfloyd222 0
this is from a show or movie... idk what but I've heard this before :P maybe it really happened to you though
Domonator 16
What do you recommend, sandpaper?
majergamer 0
LOLOLOL#239!
iloveyoumycuty 0
hahahaha wow maybe they will let u in jersey shore
mountiansnow 0
amost every dude jacks off it doesn't matter if he gets action or not u ther could b a time he wants some but can't get it so he jacks off
ijrnelson 0
Lotion to ********** lol bit excessive
theRovingMage 0
Try hydrogen peroxide on your normal skin or scrub your hands with an exfoliating cream. Baking soda and sugar or toothpaste works, too. I do henna, and that's the way I get the lawsone blotches off my hands at the end of the day.
Temperphobia 0
I always thought it was supposed to be purple dick? x]
Freeze_fml 17
SunnyD.
cheapluxury 4
and rum
uncleyuggles 0
yum yum
JoltyCola 0
Im kinda grossed out that you use lotion at all.
killabee 0
Why? Would dry chafing an un-lubed dick be more appealing?
dug44 0
hydrogen peroxide...... if you used your brain, you could have just called the local tanning salon.... douche!