Geek: Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 612

02/10/2010 01:52

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 639

You deserved it 3 327

And today, on Dr Phil…

Overreact much?!

Mystery

01/10/2013 17:32

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 011

You deserved it 5 851

25/09/2015 13:46

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 284

You deserved it 7 726

28/02/2009 05:03

Today, I was at the school's rec center, working out for the first time in a while. While there, there was this very mysteriously attractive girl who kept shooting me glances. I asked for her number and she responded by saying "if you can lift this same weight as me". I couldn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 444

You deserved it 13 176

Great party, eh?

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 17:00

Today, my girlfriend and I threw a housewarming party we'd been planning for almost 2 months. Out of the 30 plus people I invited from work, literally nobody showed up. Not going to lie, I'm a little depressed about it. It's going to be hard to go to work and pretend I'm not upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 221

16/10/2018 12:00

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 529

You deserved it 516

30/10/2015 13:43

Today, when I went out to get some groceries with my mother, a small girl came up to me and said I was an "ugly egg" because I'm a bald girl. I had to shave my head in order to have brain surgery to relieve me of the symptoms of my neurological disorder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 469

You deserved it 1 618

16/08/2016 18:54

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 735

You deserved it 993

07/08/2009 02:10

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 626

You deserved it 8 964

Bath bomb

By Anonymous - 31/05/2021 11:01

Today, I trusted a fart in the bathtub. I really shouldn't have. It came out loose like a brown cloud, so I had to shower to wash the shit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 847

27/07/2009 19:07

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 313

You deserved it 3 588

Smooth move, teach.

By Faceplant - 14/11/2017 10:00

Today, I monitored my students as they conducted a lab experiment. I was walking to the other side of the room while looking at a student who seemed about to ask a question. When she looked up at me, I walked into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 965

You deserved it 678

12/04/2013 21:35

Today, for the first time, I told my girlfriend of two months that I love her. She broke down in laughter and mockingly asked, "What are you, some kind of queer?" I could've sworn she was mentally older than a 5-year-old when I asked her out. I guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 264

You deserved it 12 150

09/01/2012 03:43

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 316

You deserved it 3 400

Fun is overrated

By Jess56 - 06/09/2019 06:01

Today, I met the exchange student who will be living with us for a year. As we were talking, she told me that she doesn't like reading, writing, drawing, athletics, watching television or listening to music. What does she like to do during her free time? Study. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 514

You deserved it 226

14/12/2013 18:50

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. As he came, he yelled "FIRST, BITCHES!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 785

You deserved it 9 804

03/03/2010 19:11

Today, I'm a 15 year old boy who is bald. Why am I bald? My little brother thought it would be funny to put glue in my hair gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 689

You deserved it 4 836

05/09/2012 14:06

Today, my dormant eczema decided to come back with a vengeance - on my scrotum. I work in an open office and can't scratch unless I repeatedly run into the restroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 860

You deserved it 1 763

18/05/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 620

You deserved it 1 950

07/02/2012 01:23

Today, I was dumped. My boyfriend was too afraid to break up with me, so he sent the girl he cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 943

You deserved it 2 847

All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

By Anonymous - 23/02/2021 10:58

Today, I had to cancel a plane ticket to a friend's wedding, because first he gave me the wrong date, after which his fiancée cut me from the guests because of Covid safety. Instead of paying $600 to be in the ceremony, I'm paying $400 to not go anywhere because the ticket could only be partially refunded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 84

The wrong sort of lock in

By Anonymous - 10/08/2021 09:59

Today, I gave my 10-month-old the house keys to keep her busy. I locked the burglar gate and left the door open. She can walk, and she threw the keys outside the gate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 198

You deserved it 1 213

03/12/2014 21:21

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 072

You deserved it 3 769

16/03/2013 00:05

Spicy

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 849

You deserved it 6 195

Asshats everywhere

By Anonymous - 08/12/2017 15:00

Today, while driving to work, an idiot pulled out of a junction without looking and wiped me out. I'm now in hospital with two broken legs, looking at employment pages because I didn't give work "enough notice" about my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 258

You deserved it 235

15/11/2012 00:48

Today, my dad put an onion in my room, telling me spirits won't haunt me and that I won't get sick. He thinks a vegetable will protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 251

You deserved it 2 731

29/08/2012 21:37

Spicy

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 207

You deserved it 7 786

21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 425

You deserved it 503

16/02/2009 22:19

Today, I accidentally deleted my entire email inbox. Everything from the last 3 years. EV-ER-Y-THING. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 458

You deserved it 56 221

11/03/2015 00:19

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 735

You deserved it 3 718

Unflattered

By lindsay - 28/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 691

You deserved it 124

09/07/2013 17:11

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 530

You deserved it 5 549

06/07/2013 21:21

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 124

You deserved it 8 460

05/12/2016 22:35

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 898

You deserved it 955

07/06/2014 19:16

Today, at college, I was frantically trying to finish an essay on gay rights that was due less than an hour later. In the end I failed, because the college internet filters kept classifying every single page containing the information I needed as "sex", and blocked it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 738

You deserved it 15 080

Rude awakening

By Anonymous - 08/04/2020 23:00

Today, I was woken up at 4 in the morning by my boyfriend farting on my leg and giggling in his sleep. For the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 468

You deserved it 219

19/01/2012 14:17

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 020

You deserved it 32 932

21/11/2011 07:02

Today, a woman and her daughter came into the store I work at. The girl placed a pair of underpants on the counter, and confessed she had stolen them earlier. Assuming she had already heard a lecture, I simply thanked her for bringing them back. Her mom yelled at me for not yelling at her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 658

You deserved it 3 337

25/10/2011 04:30

Today, working as an EMT on an ambulance, we had a patient who refused to accept that he had a massive GI bleed, despite the fact that bloody stool was flowing from his anus all over my ambulance. To make things worse, my EMT ride-along student puked all over the patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 089

You deserved it 2 311

14/02/2011 07:11

Today, after dealing with tons of drama and working a 14 hour shift, I took a shower. When I stepped out, a weak spot in the floor gave way. While falling through the floor I grabbed the toilet tank lid, which fell into the tank and broke it. Now my leg hurts and the bathroom's flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 014

You deserved it 3 172

25/04/2010 10:00

Spicy

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 687

You deserved it 44 395

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:42

Time to 'de-friend' some of these jerks!

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Saturday 2 October 2010 9:03

Who the %#%$ would make a movie about Facebook??? A movie about FML would be a lot better :). I envision a movie filled with a bunch of random skits like some guy having his bike stolen moments after buying a bike lock, a guy getting kicked in the junk after proclaiming that he's Iron Man, and a girl who has her birthday at a bar but texts the wrong address causing everybody to show up at a computer store. It'd be like Jackass but you know... better.

Comments

SChew 6

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:41

aww then u 2 should go get fb tgt

pcakewafflebacon 0

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:46

why would you want to see a movie about facebook? dum-bass

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Saturday 2 October 2010 9:49

it's a movie about people go made Facebook. am sure you wouldn't see a lick of farmville in that flick. either way, imam go ahead and bootleg it

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Saturday 2 October 2010 14:52

wow #26 u had so many flaws in ur comment that it was hard as heck to read!!!

KingDingALing 9

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Saturday 2 October 2010 19:00

37- you're a hypocrite. You didn't spell correctly and you didn't capitalize correctly.

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Sunday 3 October 2010 2:43

yes, but I can actually understand what 37 is trying to say

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Monday 4 October 2010 8:11

that movie was actually good though, i loves it :P

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Sunday 22 July 2012 19:12

Hello will ze grammar nazis stop ze bullshit. 49 that's you

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:42

Time to 'de-friend' some of these jerks!

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:47

Facebook drama.

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Saturday 2 October 2010 16:03

It took me quite a long time to figure out your joke, and even longer to actually laugh at it... 

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Sunday 3 October 2010 19:26

There was no joke, you retard.

idonthaveanameok 0

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:47

goo make ur own social network thing

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Saturday 2 October 2010 10:54

Yeah with blackjack, and hookers! Hope these catch on a tiny bit... plus 4 Internets to the first to get the reference.

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Saturday 2 October 2010 16:03

lol futurama. I love bender

19eightyeight 4

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:47

lol. that happens to me alot. really feels like shit doesn't it. lol.

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Monday 4 October 2010 6:38

what a lame waste of space on fml

EbombPimpin22 0

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:48

does it suck to know that your "that guy"?

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:51

maybe he thought you wouldn't be interested because it's about the SOCIAL network.

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:52

That it does

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:53

well find new friends.... problem solved

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Saturday 2 October 2010 8:55

Actually it's quite a good movie.