Spreading it around

By Anonymous - 24/05/2020 14:00

Today, I overheard my co-worker talking about how she's going to Panama City, Florida this weekend and is going to "get lit." It's the middle of the pandemic, and she's going to go party on a beach. She'll be back at work Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 220

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Silver linings

The Phoebe Technique

By Murphy’s Christmas - 13/12/2018 13:30

Today my husband blew a tire in a hidden pothole on the way to work. I picked him up in my car later that day, only to hit an entirely different pothole, bending my rim and catapulting my hubcap into the woods. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 579

You deserved it 174

By SingleSara. - 02/03/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 946

You deserved it 3 404

By A.K. - 27/05/2009 12:40 - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 090

You deserved it 21 047

By Katz - 11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 184

You deserved it 406

By Anonymous - 30/05/2013 20:25 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mum made me take her poodle on a walk, which she'd dressed in a tiara and a pink dog dress. Being a 19-year-old guy, I was pissed. After I got home, I saw that my mom had filmed me from the window and posted it to Facebook, to everyone's great delight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 426

You deserved it 6 095

By Ido - 14/06/2016 00:51 - United States - Satellite Beach

Today, I announced my engagement on social media. I got more people telling me how stupid I was than any actually congratulating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 223

You deserved it 3 092

By Anonymous - 06/11/2010 11:45 - Australia

Today, my brother flicked a huge bug onto my foot, making me freak out and fall into my outdoors pool. The water was so cold that I started hyperventilating. My brother left to "get help". I finally managed to get out, and found him watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 251

You deserved it 5 574

By Anonymous - 01/10/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 605

You deserved it 8 050

By KJS - 10/03/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I got up on stage excited to recite a spoken word piece that I worked on and memorized for about 20 hours, neglecting other obligations like studying for an exam the next day. I blanked out in the middle of the performance in front of hundreds of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 222

You deserved it 7 051

By Anonymous - 22/04/2015 14:14 - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 837

You deserved it 3 648

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 06:45 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while waiting in line to get my medication, a man who just got his prescription looked me up and down and said "Penis pills, right? Ya look like the type." Then he walked out as a couple of other guys in line started snickering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 632

You deserved it 1 797

By Kristopher - 08/03/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 555

You deserved it 3 510

By Bento - 05/10/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 173

You deserved it 3 831

By foreveralonecatlady - 28/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I was bombarded with pictures of my little sister's Christmas present. It was a huge engagement ring. I got broken up with in public on Christmas eve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 091

You deserved it 2 887

By Boo Boo - 22/01/2012 04:23 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 046

You deserved it 2 447

By Jebus - 07/06/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 60 907

By Anonymous - 31/08/2018 14:30

Today, after my live-in boyfriend decided to take a few days away due to a fight, I found out he's been staying with and sleeping with my aunt. I just lost a relative and a man all in one shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 218

You deserved it 230

Superspreaders

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 05:00

Today, I had dinner with my aunt and uncle recently. Halfway through, my uncle says, “This gravy tastes weird, does it taste OK to you? Oh sorry babe, I forgot you haven’t been able to smell or taste anything lately.” Well, into quarantine I go… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 126

By kam3221 - 01/05/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, I got in the shower, washed my hair and shaved because I wanted to look great for a big date. I got out, brushed and dried my hair and spent an hour putting it up in the perfect hairstyle. Running late, I quickly put on my new dress, looked down and realized i had only shaved one leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 848

You deserved it 54 180

By Jessica - 27/12/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend won $1,000 in a photography contest. With a photo I took. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 539

You deserved it 3 045

By cloudberry - 27/05/2012 08:00 - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 707

You deserved it 2 697

By FuckYou - 02/07/2012 06:07 - United States - Santa Maria

Today, I fell down my stairs while holding a carton of eggs I was going to use to egg my ex-boyfriend's house. Karma's definitely a bitch to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 636

You deserved it 53 911

By Noj12345 - 25/06/2009 08:05 - United States

Today, after finishing work, my friend was having a party next door and my driveway was blocked. I parked 6 houses down and went to the party for 20mins. After coming out after 3 beers, I went to move my car back to my house and go to sleep. I got a DUI for driving 30 feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 264

You deserved it 57 034

By Anonymous - 05/09/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, my GPS told me that I'd reached my destination. In the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 858

You deserved it 5 327

By Anonymous - 09/08/2014 17:32 - United States - Amherst

Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 272

You deserved it 13 865

By Jackedup - 18/05/2011 07:57 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 419

You deserved it 4 959

By crabmunch15 - 09/09/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 816

You deserved it 10 929

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the train and some crazy man started talking to me. I ignored him, and he tapped on my shoulder. He started blabbing and I just pointed to my ears and mouthed "I'm deaf." He stopped talking. A minute later my phone rang and I answered it without thinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 054

You deserved it 75 437

By Anonymous - 25/01/2013 20:13 - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 510

You deserved it 4 241

By turtles_yup - 03/12/2015 05:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at a fast food restaurant, I wanted to wash my hands. The restrooms were locked, so a cashier got the key and opened the men's restroom. This would have been fine if I wasn't a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 168

You deserved it 2 110

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 190

You deserved it 4 090

By Dockin - 14/02/2019 15:37 - India

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 195

You deserved it 37 878

By Anonymous - 22/06/2014 05:27 - Australia

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to spray my open window with the hose. RIP my laptop, phone, school books, wooden desk, my entire bookshelf, and my carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 198

You deserved it 5 045

By calli - 25/12/2009 21:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 397

You deserved it 4 590

By Anonymous - 15/12/2014 16:07 - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 459

You deserved it 3 219

By Jac - 17/01/2010 19:59 - United States

Today, my friend decided to pants me in the middle of the mall. I wasn't wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 695

You deserved it 32 741

By arachnidphobia - 03/01/2010 03:22 - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 703

You deserved it 3 455

By davincourt - 29/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 185

You deserved it 2 983

By Matt - 12/08/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 990

You deserved it 2 663

By Stilljobless - 19/01/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 069

You deserved it 39 497

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Top comments

JasonThorn 18

Send a private message

Sunday 24 May 2020 15:32

Start calling her "Patient Zero of the office" now. Tell her it will save time.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 24 May 2020 18:12

Sounds like she's going to be a super-spreader and coronavirus is one of the less nasty diseases she'll bring back.

Comments

Yudith 20

Send a private message

Sunday 24 May 2020 15:23

She wants to try the new trikini?

JasonThorn 18

Send a private message

Sunday 24 May 2020 15:32

Start calling her "Patient Zero of the office" now. Tell her it will save time.

sickerthanyou 13

Send a private message

Sunday 24 May 2020 15:52

Maybe she wants to get “lit” with the Corona

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Sunday 24 May 2020 18:12

Sounds like she's going to be a super-spreader and coronavirus is one of the less nasty diseases she'll bring back.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

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Sunday 24 May 2020 20:03

no she won't rofl

howudoin 0

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Monday 25 May 2020 2:11

she sounds like a real asshole, strait up.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 17

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40

You deserved it 19

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 153

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 240