By Anonymous - 7/5/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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Out of it

RIP in peace

Life is unfair…

By Anonymous - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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24152

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3319

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By Elliot - United Kingdom

Today, I lifted up my blinds, only for them to detach from the wall, hit me on the head, knock a pile of paper over, spill a can of Pepsi, leave plaster all over the floor and a gaping hole in the wall above my window. FML

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36030

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

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35253

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By urmommmm - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

I agree, your life sucks

50219

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25342

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By Austin Franklin - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9862

You deserved it

47200

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By openended - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I realized that having an open relationship isn't all that great, when my boyfriend hooked up with his ex and dumped me for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30376

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By blondie875 - United States

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3407

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1305

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By khood - United States

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20623

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I worked such a long shift at Panera that when my boyfriend called later, I answered, "It's a fresh day at Panera Bread in [town], this is [name] speaking. How may I help you?" He thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19865

You deserved it

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By geli

Today, while at the public swimming pool, I gave my 2-year-old daughter a piggy back ride in the pool. We were having fun until I realized she had untied my swim top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13679

You deserved it

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By kronin - United States

Today, I woke up in a field 3 miles from where I'd passed out drunk. This wouldn't have been too bad if I didn't have to walk home through town without my pants. FML

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9945

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By Jioune - France - Caluire

Today, I learned that my friends nicknamed me Snow White, not because I’ve got dark hair and very pale skin, but because I “only hook up with tiny dudes”. FML

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13437

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By Sodapop40 - 21/6/2020 05:05

"Tubular Bells" by Mike Oldfield starts playing…

Today, my mom admitted to me that, when I was a baby, my grandmother kidnapped me and took me to the priest to perform an exorcism, because she swore I was the "spawn of Satan." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1428

You deserved it

103

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63258

You deserved it

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37851

You deserved it

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By shellie - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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27555

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé admitted to me that he only found big girls attractive, and that's why he could never cheat on me with my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40425

You deserved it

6892

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By well okay then - United States

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32694

You deserved it

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By Les Miserables is so sad - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I took my girlfriend to go see Les Misérables. I tried to stay tough but completely lost it and started sobbing when Anne Hathaway began singing. My girlfriend called me a wimp and stayed dry-eyed throughout the whole movie. I'm dating a robot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35333

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

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33404

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend sent me a video of herself masturbating so I could watch it on my business trip. As I was watching it, I realised someone was filming her, because the camera was moving and definitely not on a tripod. I know I never recorded a video of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5965

You deserved it

435

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By Michelle - Netherlands

Today, I went to pay my grandma a visit. She called the cops because she didn't recognize me and thought I was a robber. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33901

You deserved it

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By saqmuel093 - Malaysia - Tatau

Today, I ran out of cash. The nearest ATM to my house is over a half hour away by foot. After walking all the way there under the blistering heat of the sun, I realized I'd left my card back at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21562

You deserved it

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By misc - United States

Today, I accidentally unplugged my headphones in the quiet section of the library, causing my music to play from my laptop at full volume. I was listening to Celine Dion. I'm the captain of the football team. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20451

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Dodged a bullet

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her father looked me up and down, said, “No” then went back to his TV. My girlfriend immediately broke up with me and threw me out. I even had to get a really expensive taxi home, because we’d driven in her car and I had no idea what part of the city I was in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1545

You deserved it

111

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29339

You deserved it

3499

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By notmyfault - United States - Bloomington

Today, I found out why this crazy bitch slashed the tires of my car to prevent me from going to my exam. It's because I'm supposedly the curve setter for the class and she wants to get into medical school without me fucking it up for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26406

You deserved it

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By Cob - United States

Today, I tried helping an old lady with her groceries. When I asked if she needed help she smiled. When I took one of her bags she yelled. I didn't know she was deaf. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31131

You deserved it

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By my boyfriend is a slut

Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4791

You deserved it

478

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By Noname - United States

Today, I bought a parakeet for my kids. When I got home and presented it to them, they wanted to let him fly around inside. We went around the house making sure all the windows and doors were shut. Unfortunately I forgot to turn off the ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35274

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2281

You deserved it

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By lookwhereyasittin - Netherlands - Den Haag

Today, it was the first day in my life that I fell into a toilet because someone left the toilet seat up. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17850

You deserved it

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By calikola - United States

Today, my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30387

You deserved it

2260

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By 3peeps - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25348

You deserved it

3887

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By Earthboundb - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28133

You deserved it

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By clips - United States

Gross

Today, I was on the bus. I heard a click right before something small hit my cheek. I looked over to see the lady next to me cutting her long, dirty fingernails. The bus was too crowded to move and It was a 20 minute ride to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29863

You deserved it

2579

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8038

You deserved it

36677

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By youlovewaffles

Today, I was talking to myself in the shower, pretending I was Oprah. After I got out, my little brother asked if I was singing in the bathroom. I almost said no, but admitting to singing seemed a lot less embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1196

You deserved it

388

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By noporn4u - 3/10/2020 19:01 - United States - Kaukauna

Big bastard boss

Today, my time off request was rejected, and my boss promptly took the day off himself, claiming he has people coming to work on his house. We work from home. The day in question is my 5-year wedding anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1181

You deserved it

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By Flarewolf - United Kingdom

Today, my family went and visited my nan. She ushered me in close and asked, "When are you going to knock it off with all this emo cockshite?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

17004

You deserved it

46428

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7904253 - Thursday 7 May 2020 18:31

Yeah, but "happy endings" are technically illegal, but you people do them if the price it right.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7904319 - Thursday 7 May 2020 22:20

They cannot legally keep you from doing your job. NO matter what is said and if they arrest/charge you or not. I respect that you'd rather get flack from your boss than undergo being arrested and charged...

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7904253 - Thursday 7 May 2020 18:31

Yeah, but "happy endings" are technically illegal, but you people do them if the price it right.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7904319 - Thursday 7 May 2020 22:20

Jill Marie Peters | 11

#7904923 - Saturday 9 May 2020 22:16

"They" sure as shit can stop you from doing your job if it is breaking the social distancing rules.