Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at...

By Anonymous - 03/06/2019 12:07

Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at one of my tables. When she paid, I decided to be bold and write my number and "Call me" on her receipt. She put in a complaint to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 3 415

Alexa, play "Charmless Man" by Blur

Telenovela FML

My eyes!

Maoism intensifies

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 02:00

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 116

By edhalen - 23/04/2009 07:47 - United States

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 946

You deserved it 64 211

By eaglesmile - 03/04/2015 04:37 - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 277

You deserved it 8 615

By onepussytwopussy - 07/03/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 076

You deserved it 26 168

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 10:29 - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 099

You deserved it 10 610

By downinthedumps - 13/01/2015 02:47 - United States - Detroit

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 891

You deserved it 3 312

By Thatkid - 18/02/2009 14:29 - Singapore

Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 676

You deserved it 56 476

By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 18:00

Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 216

You deserved it 404

By notexactly - 23/04/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I didn't wear my contacts. Determined to prove to my friends I didn't need them, I read all the signs in sight. I couldn't read a particular one, so I began to walk closer. Suddenly I fell on my face, bruising my cheekbone. The sign said: "Caution: Watch Your Step." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 385

You deserved it 64 111

By Anonymous - 08/12/2010 02:38 - United States

Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 527

You deserved it 3 495

Asshat bus drivers, with their "rules"

By Anonymous - 12/01/2015 14:57 - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 519

You deserved it 3 120

Earplugs, stat!

By Anonymous - 14/06/2021 06:00

Today, my grandpa forgot that my aunt set up a baby monitor in his bedroom in case of a fall. I’m sitting in the living room with his wife - who is deaf - and I hear him moaning over the baby monitor. My grandfather was jerking off and forgot that someone could hear him. I wish I could forget too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 18/04/2016 23:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 192

You deserved it 2 785

By brenami - 31/12/2010 06:13 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 758

You deserved it 7 686

By baconman86 - 03/10/2010 22:24 - United States

Today, I put my good shoes out the window and on the roof to dry out because they were sopping wet. When I went to check them later on, they were still wet. And soaked in bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 128

You deserved it 26 985

By ttsutaoka - 11/07/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 000

You deserved it 2 776

By toxic waste - 12/02/2013 04:18 - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 050

You deserved it 7 243

What a coinkydink

By Anonymous - 06/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his best friend. Who just so happened to be the guy who made my high school years a living hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 56

End me

By Daniel_rules - 17/04/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 835

You deserved it 10 051

Apple juice, motherfucker

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 17:01 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 725

You deserved it 2 868

By Albert - 20/09/2012 06:10 - United States

Today, I finally found the perfect quote to open my college essay. Then I found out that the author was one of the founders of the KKK. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 937

You deserved it 3 971

By Anonymous - 26/07/2011 14:05 - United Kingdom

Today, the only thing that managed to get me out of bed was scrambling to watch my neighbours have a screaming match in the middle of our street about which one of their brain-dead kids spray-painted "CUNT FLAPS" and a rudimentary knob on the communal garage door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 785

You deserved it 3 005

By badboyfriend101 - 12/05/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 855

You deserved it 4 317

By Daddy - 10/11/2008 12:06 - France

Today, I gave my son a bollocking for losing a very important paper that I needed for work. I've just found it in my right pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 454

You deserved it 59 574

By Anonymous - 06/02/2014 23:07 - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 310

You deserved it 4 198

By missyoudad. - 31/08/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 427

You deserved it 2 845

By Anonymous - 19/04/2016 02:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got a ticket for being drunk in public. I was walking a couple blocks from the bar to my house, because I didn't want to drive drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 440

You deserved it 2 664

By Scarred - 04/04/2012 03:27 - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 201

You deserved it 2 345

By Username - 13/02/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 841

You deserved it 4 756

Plop

By TimeForACareerChange - 18/07/2012 00:54 - United States

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 351

You deserved it 2 310

By peniswoman - 14/07/2013 17:03 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 950

You deserved it 18 254

By Anonymous - 06/06/2009 17:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 163

You deserved it 13 728

By Musicfan - 12/08/2011 02:30 - United States

Today, my car was broken into, and they stole all my CDs, but left my daughter's Black Eyed Peas CD behind. I'm pretty pissed about the theft, but almost glad to see that the delinquents in my town have a decent taste in music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 632

You deserved it 4 424

By HLRJ - 29/08/2018 09:00 - United States - Concord

Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 036

You deserved it 229

By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 951

You deserved it 5 574

By scared for life - 29/01/2012 16:23 - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 024

You deserved it 2 531

By FuckMyEyes - 26/12/2012 01:49 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 659

You deserved it 8 217

By Numnum - 29/11/2009 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 637

You deserved it 57 278

By Anonymous - 14/11/2014 02:14 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 454

You deserved it 4 181

By Anonymous - 17/08/2015 08:33 - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 657

You deserved it 42 683

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

WeirdUS 29

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 12:28

It's considered unprofessional to give your number out while on the job. You can't assume just because you give it out they will want it.

TomeDr 23

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 12:09

You were working so passing your number to someone was unprofessional.

TomeDr 23

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 12:09

You were working so passing your number to someone was unprofessional.

WeirdUS 29

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 12:28

It's considered unprofessional to give your number out while on the job. You can't assume just because you give it out they will want it.

Yudith 20

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 13:05

It sucks being a lesbian, doesn't it? When the customer is of the opposite sex, a server giving his/her phone number is considered sexy and lucky, but when the customer is of the same sex, it's suddently unprofessional and grounds for layoff. If you ask thoughtful questions like "Did you read (insert name of a queer magazine) recently?" or "Do you plan to go to the Pride parade?", or check for a Pride bracelet or brooch, then you just look creepy or like you are pushing the gay agenda. Maybe there's a Grindr equivalent for lesbians somewhere.

WeirdUS 29

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 13:29

It's considered unprofessional no matter what your sexual orientation. It's generally frowned upon and if one does it there is some mutal interest expressed and not just giving out your number.

mssileas 25

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 14:57

Uh, no. Yes, dating suck as gay people, but as a bi woman let me tell you I want neither my male nor my female waiter's number, because all I want in a restaurant is food. It's never professional and worst case you just made coming back for a customer so awkward you lost the place business. (I know this because I no longer frequent a place where a server did something similar. A man, btw.) So this one is actually not on homophobia, but yes lesbian dating/hook-up apps should be a thing. Unfortunately I can't code so someone else will have to take care of it.

bobsanction 18

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 14:13

Well boo friggen hoo for yoo. I gave my number to a girl once and her boyfriend threatened to kill me.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 16:14

A move is considered bold if there are possible bad outcomes, so you certainly made one. You probably need to get your gaydar recalibrated.

Mungolikecandy 19

Monday 3 June 2019 18:33

Giving your number to a customer may be taking a risk but people do not go to places to be hit on by the staff. In the same respect I am certain you dislike when people hit on you when you are working there.

NostalgiaFreak9 40

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 19:15

You were there to work, and she was there for food service. The point I'm trying to make is that none of you were there to score dates.

PhoenixChick 26

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 22:31

Yeah, don't hit on your customers. Especially since it sounds like the only encouragement she gave you was...being pretty enough for you.

mas12806 22

Send a private message

Monday 3 June 2019 23:37

Deny it?

distortedcognition 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 4 June 2019 23:13

What an up tight b****! I’ve always found it flattering when someone finds me attractive enough to put themselves out there... man or woman and I’m straight! I mean come on! That would be a huge compliment! The lady could’ve let her down gently. Thanked her and kindly said she wasn’t interested or didn’t swing that way.