By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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Clocked

True hero

When nature calls

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told everyone I queef during sex. Even his parents are calling me "Cooter Pooter." FML

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39710

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By rainedaddy - United States

Today, I open my front door and saw a covered basket with a card from my girlfriend on it. I picked it up and read, "Hope this cheers you up." I uncovered the basket to find a golden labrador puppy. Its eyes were closed and it wasn't breathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73725

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3165

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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2427

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119

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By Nickname

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3291

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257

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By CrystalsDontWork - United States - El Paso

Today, my colleagues and I found out that our boss has been taking business advice from an astrologer as well as a soothsayer. FML

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36525

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By anonymous - Canada - New Westminster

Today, I was eating lunch on my first date with a really pretty girl, when my ex shows up at the same restaurant and starts telling her how bad of a boyfriend I was. My date left. FML

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11249

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By Single - France

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted to make the most of his 1 month X-Box Live coupon. FML

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40231

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6994

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By Alyxandrea Loffer - 24/9/2020 01:02 - United States - Ellsworth

Malfunctioning equipment

Today, at work, my front-close bra popped open like an anime character, right in front of the two male coworkers I was talking to. My boobs flung around and I had to pretend nothing happened while subtly crossing my arms and waiting for them to leave so I could fix it. FML

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1381

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257

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Today, one of the customers at work shat all down the side of the toilet and on the floor. They didn’t even try to make it in the bowl. Guess who had to clean it up. FML

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2180

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166

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By Renagirl - United States - East Hartford

Today, the guy I love asked me if hooking up counted as dating, because he thinks I'm "super hot," but he doesn't want "all the relationship shit." FML

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49320

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By yen

Today, I was talking to my sister about how I need to buy gifts from Santa for my daughter, when my son asked why I would be buying them instead of letting Santa bring them. My son genuinely still believed in Santa. He’s 22 years old. FML

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2799

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By Unluckiest Guy of the group - United States

Today, my friends and I were having a conversation about which mythical creature would be the most unlikely to exist in the real world. They all collectively agreed that it would be a girl who is attracted to me. FML

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38649

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By imarriedanaxemurderer - United States - Joliet

Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63419

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4574

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By struckbystarzz - United States - Taunton

Today, my stomach started to hurt. When I got home, my parents had company over, which I had to rush past to use the bathroom. After being in the bathroom for about 3 minutes, my mother yells to me from the other room, in front of the guests, "Are you OK in there?" I'm 27. FML

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29398

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4062

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By xMiSS_CuTiEx - United States

Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML

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26025

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date to the zoo. I soon found out that my date had eaten several hash brownies before entering. FML

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27967

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4198

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By psh_idontbite - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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30624

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3521

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 05:02

Contagion

Today, after bronchitis and a negative COVID test, I finally went back into my classroom for the last day before break. An hour after I got home, a parent contacted me to let me know her child (whom I helped all day) had tested positive and that I needed to quarantine. She thought I would, "want to know." FML

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902

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By halza - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

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14329

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958

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Frome

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

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22545

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By WIno - United States

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

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9270

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40848

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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55733

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By scarred for life - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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32096

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By resipsahipsta - United States

Today, I finally cracked the password on my husband's email account. I don't know which is worse: finding out your husband is cheating on you with several people, or finding his password includes his ex-girlfriend's name. FML

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63047

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 02:02

It's not permanent

Today, I have really big insecurities, and the ONLY thing I like about myself is my hair. I got it permed yesterday, and just now I used shampoo on it, and my hair is falling out. All 12” of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1271

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279

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By DieuEstUnHomme - France - Reims

Today, while on the tram with my friend, we ended up discussing religion. When we started talking about God, some guy asked us, in a serious tone, to "stop talking about me" because it was really starting to bother him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19636

You deserved it

2443

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51795

You deserved it

6311

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By seamonkeys - United States

Today, a pregnant friend who is due in 2 weeks posted a picture of a baby on Facebook. I commented congratulations. She's still pregnant. It was a picture of her baby who died 3 years ago. FML

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55214

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13037

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellaire

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

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26291

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By drugdealersgf

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

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10041

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1061

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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55546

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4129

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By fuckyouharddad - United States - Sacramento

Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go". FML

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51396

You deserved it

6540

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By peestain - United Kingdom

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

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20625

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32015

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, my mom kissed me goodbye before I went to a big job interview. I got weird looks on the way there, but I figured it was just because I look like a massive douche in formal wear. Turns out my mom had smeared lipstick all over my chin. The person who finally let me know was my interviewer. FML

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24870

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By "princessmia" - United States - Sequim

Felt so bad

Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1080

You deserved it

2238

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By dillon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I watched a Youtube video about artists who ripped off other artist's songs. All of the bands that were accused of stealing were all bands that I really enjoy. FML

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39244

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By HeatherFeatherB - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20729

You deserved it

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By JoblessandStupid - United States - Stockbridge

Today, I got pissed and tried to storm out of work, only to get outside and realize I couldn't because I'd let my coworker borrow my car for lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5485

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By Jill - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I moved into my new flat only to notice it's right across from a frequently used railway line. FML

I agree, your life sucks

713

You deserved it

1580

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By Shower? - France

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

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23295

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Top comments

By Wadlaen | 19

#7889185 - Thursday 12 March 2020 23:19

I bet she didn't even bother to answer the phone!😂

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889211 - Friday 13 March 2020 2:10

Maybe you should get off video games a little more often

COMMENTS

By Itsheragain | 9

#7888971 - Thursday 12 March 2020 3:26

sounds like me😂

By mccuish | 18

#7888991 - Thursday 12 March 2020 5:23

I’ve had times when I’m calling my moms cellphone and hear it ringing in the kitchen

By Wadlaen | 19

#7889185 - Thursday 12 March 2020 23:19

I bet she didn't even bother to answer the phone!😂

By mcsmee | 5

#7889188 - Thursday 12 March 2020 23:51

Did you leave a message on her voicemail? Or maybe try texting her?

By WistayShlaio82 | 13

#7889211 - Friday 13 March 2020 2:10

Maybe you should get off video games a little more often