Proportional response - FML

Proportional response

By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 16:58

Today, our house caught fire. While trying to help my mom get to safety, the word "fuck" accidentally escaped my mouth. Once we were safe, she said I was grounded for swearing. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 150

Dysfunctional

Late term

Walk the line

By notsobig - 29/01/2013 22:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I jokingly asked my girlfriend if she thinks I have a big package. She replied that she didn't want to upset me and get into another fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 605

You deserved it 40 821

By loser - 17/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, in front of the entire family, I yelled at my mom and told her she wasn't a good parent. She responded with "Well, at least I had friends when I was your age." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 955

You deserved it 52 064

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 17:16 - Japan

Today, I'm on vacation in Japan with my brother. When he said he could speak Japanese, I guess what he really meant that he's a dumbass weeaboo who only knows the words "kawaii", "baka", "sugoi" and a few others. He ended up offending two locals so much that they beat the shit out of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 890

You deserved it 3 338

By Anonymous - 08/11/2013 23:02 - Canada - Calgary

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 430

You deserved it 8 664

By Anonymous - 29/06/2014 05:04 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 529

You deserved it 6 271

By starboi - 20/12/2016 19:19 - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 462

You deserved it 1 310

By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 945

You deserved it 67 880

By ForeverAlone - 03/02/2018 15:00

Today, I asked my crush if she wanted to see a movie with me. She said no because she already saw it. The movie is coming out next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 768

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 04/11/2013 11:39

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 047

You deserved it 71 792

How Soon is Now?

By Anonymous - 14/05/2021 12:59 - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, I realized that my boyfriend‘s birthday was two weeks ago, so I immediately sent him a message as if it was today. He didn’t believe my excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 1 699

By disgruntled - 09/12/2015 15:01

Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 236

You deserved it 1 498

By Lulu - 05/12/2013 23:39 - United States - Imperial

Today, I came home to a noise complaint letter taped to my apartment door. I haven't been home in over a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 174

You deserved it 2 369

By DaycareMama92 - 28/04/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 220

You deserved it 400

By Anonymous - 21/07/2014 15:58 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The officer was nice and let me off with just a warning. That is, until my dipshit brother yelled "Fucking pig!" out the window as the officer walked back to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 520

You deserved it 22 187

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I missed a call from my mom. It's my birthday, and glad she remembered, I called back to thank her. She was surprised when I brought up going out for dinner, and asked me what the occasion was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 610

You deserved it 2 753

By alo1434 - 23/06/2011 08:54 - United States

Today, I got mugged. As the guys who took my purse were about to walk away, my cellphone rang in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 519

You deserved it 3 305

Sexy catboys rule my life

By verno02 - 10/08/2010 23:58 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that likes to keep things interesting. Just as he started climaxing, he began to meow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 982

You deserved it 8 766

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 453

You deserved it 93 687

By gman - 12/09/2018 03:30

Today, I've been seeing this girl for three months. After asking her if she'd like to go out to eat with me, I realized that she never called me by my name, just "hey you". While we were out, I wondered what she had me saved as, so I texted her when she got up to use the restroom. It was "free food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 933

You deserved it 453

By psychicmother - 09/09/2011 10:58 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was driving my drunk mother home when my phone rang. It was my boyfriend, so I asked her to answer the call. My mother then questioned him on our sex life and was especially interested to know if we'd used handcuffs because I "like them." I have no recollection of ever telling her this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 4 824

By Anonymous - 11/08/2014 17:24 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was walking to a job interview. I needed to get rid of some gum but there were no trash cans in sight, so I spat it out on the ground. Next thing I know, some guy grabs me, sticks the gum in my hair, and walks off, muttering curses. I couldn't get it out in time for the interview. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 673

You deserved it 51 259

By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 275

You deserved it 4 459

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 891

You deserved it 8 176

By Lisa - 11/08/2018 03:30

Today, I slept with a friend who always bitches about how he can't keep a girlfriend. When he finished within 3 minutes I understood why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 004

You deserved it 912

By rinakitty94 - 29/06/2015 17:30 - United States - Sunset

Today, my fiancé heard I was having a rotten day at work. He stopped by the flower shop and bought me a lovely rose which I put right next to my work station. That is until a giant wasp flew out and stung me. I still have a swollen arm hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 138

You deserved it 2 219

By left out wet - 22/06/2019 22:08

Spicy

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 598

You deserved it 207

By Dehydrated - 01/09/2015 11:07 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 403

You deserved it 2 742

By ChocoMilkManG - 03/07/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I found some Nesquick Chocolate Milk mix in my pantry which sounded good. While making a glass, I got angry because not all of the mix would disolve. Frustrated, I downed the drink. When I finished I looked in the glass and realized the mix that wouldn't disolve was actually tiny ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 197

You deserved it 17 948

By fr1day - 21/01/2009 07:25 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday but I had to go to work. I catch the train and I am forced to sit next to this weird smelly dude who jumps off one stop before mine. A little old lady jumps on so I shuffle over so she can sit down with ease. Upon exiting the train i notice my pants are wet with smelly dude's piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 982

You deserved it 2 236

By Anonymous - 24/09/2012 02:26 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents changed the code on our alarm system while they were out of town. The police could not verify I was their son, despite spending hours trying to get hold of them. They thought it was just another telemarketer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 510

You deserved it 1 555

By Ihatemyjob - 18/03/2013 03:14 - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 550

You deserved it 3 106

By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 821

You deserved it 55 347

By Anonymous - 09/05/2012 01:59 - United States - South Salem

Today, I heard the ice cream truck. Being the idiot that I am, I ran down the steps and almost immediately fell down them. I needed four stitches. I didn't even get my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 016

You deserved it 9 548

Not now!

By annonymous - 30/11/2009 18:59 - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 271

You deserved it 3 485

By Anonymous - 09/08/2016 00:04

Spicy

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 810

You deserved it 1 313

Going well, is it?

By Elizabeth - 29/07/2011 19:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 776

You deserved it 5 440

Influencers

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 103

By cul8erqtpie20 - 03/01/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 211

You deserved it 4 702

By RickTooBomb - 05/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 696

You deserved it 805

By divorcee - 06/09/2012 03:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 024

You deserved it 4 061

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Top comments

Marcella1016 31

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Friday 16 October 2020 18:40

I think the appropriate response to her would have been to say, “Next time I’ll just leave you in the fucking burning building.” Then walk out of her life forever. Am I playing the disproportionately escalating response game correctly?

Kris Phillips 3

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Friday 16 October 2020 17:01

Go to your room young man? And stay there?

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Kris Phillips 3

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Friday 16 October 2020 17:01

Go to your room young man? And stay there?

RichardPencil 30

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Friday 16 October 2020 17:51

That's a pretty fucking lame excuse for saying fuck when you shouldn't be saying fuck. You should have the fucking self-control to reserve fuck for important things like commenting at FuckMyLife.

Marcella1016 31

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Friday 16 October 2020 18:40

I think the appropriate response to her would have been to say, “Next time I’ll just leave you in the fucking burning building.” Then walk out of her life forever. Am I playing the disproportionately escalating response game correctly?

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Friday 16 October 2020 23:26

Hahaha! Wow that comment is awesome. Thats hilarious....Perfect response

spinspinsugar 12

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Friday 16 October 2020 20:03

the house fuckin burned down and all she cared about was you saying fuck? for fuck sakes!!

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Friday 16 October 2020 22:31

Keep spitting hot fire and you'll start another blaze!

icalledhisname 11

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Friday 16 October 2020 23:37

I think this is the most unique FML I have seen and I love it. Definitely FYL, OP. So dumb! The fire sucks then your mom’s reaction to you swearing sucks. If there’s ever an appropriate time to swear, that would be it.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Saturday 17 October 2020 0:37

"Yeah? Where the fuck am I supposed to stay? My room is ash."

DanielleinDC 32

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Monday 19 October 2020 4:14

Given the whole pandemic situation, I don't suppose moving out is an option. And your mom should be grateful you both got out safely.

DarkAngelsBlade 25

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Monday 19 October 2020 7:41

Grounded in what home? Like Jesus fuck you some parents are stupid.

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 39

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 33

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 24