By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 16:58

Proportional response

Today, our house caught fire. While trying to help my mom get to safety, the word "fuck" accidentally escaped my mouth. Once we were safe, she said I was grounded for swearing. I'm 19. FML

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There's no helping some people

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

Karma chameleon

By rejecteddd - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. Right after I arrived there, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By like - United States

Today, I decided it would be pretty amusing to press the "Like" button on everyone's status on Facebook without reading them just to get on peoples' nerves. After re-reading them later, I found out one of them said "I MISS YOU SOO MUCH GRANDMOM. RIP". I liked that her grandmother died. FML

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By oooooopss - United States - Portland

Today, I got into my car and it wouldn't start. I noticed I had left the lights on and assumed the battery was dead. Then, I couldn't get my key out of the ignition. So, I called AAA only to have the guy put my car in park and start the engine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me in the middle of the night and told me he got mugged and was on his way to the hospital. I told him to fuck off because that was a horrible April Fool's joke. He asked if I wanted to talk to the paramedic. I told him to stop bothering me. Turns out it was true. FML

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By jonasister - Sweden - Lund

Today, another of my dad's blind dates went bad, so I took him out for a beer. I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and when I came back, two guys were congratulating my dad on scoring such a hot piece of ass, and said the sex must be awesome. My dad played along with it. FML

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By Snufflopagus - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

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By Lonley Lesbian - 17/6/2020 02:02

Bye bye love, hello loneliness

Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush out. Also today, she changed her Facebook status to "In a relationship." I'm so damn lonely. FML

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By thanks..?

Today, my dentist said I have a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML

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By mainlaw - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

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By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the aquarium. We were noticing the fishy smell, and I had made a comment about it. Then my boyfriend slowly, and seductively whispers into my ear, "It sort of reminds me of how you smell." FML

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By Slayer - Canada

Today, I went out to lunch with a couple of work buddies. Trying to be suave, I started hitting on our waitress. Not two seconds after saying, "Hey baby," I felt ice water on my balls. The guy next to me had spilled both our water glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend whom I'm crazy about broke up with me out of the blue. After pleading with her unsuccessfully, I called my mom for comfort and advice. She informed me that my dog had died. FML

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By still single - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I realised I sweat so much that I won't be able to go without sticking super pads with wings to my shirt underarms everyday. It makes supermarket trips interesting. Especially as a man. FML

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By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. My mum walked in and told him to pull out and show her that he was wearing a condom, and not just saying he was. FML

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By Quackers - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

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By NotTodaySatan - United States - Tempe

Today, my dad suggested I go back to my abusive, psychotic ex, who happens to be the father of my only child. He suggested this only so I can get pregnant again, and get more money back on my taxes. His "bright side" to this? At least my kids will have the same father. FML

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By no tp - United States

Today, I forgot to grab toilet paper on the way home from work. Since I don't have a car and all of my friends have plans for Valentine's Day I'm now down to wiping with cotton balls. FML

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By mynoseburns - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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By still on hol - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a pretty big erection while getting checked out at the airport. The security guard was scanning my potentially "dangerous" erection for at least one long minute in front of my wife, kids, and 20 people behind me. FML

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By during - United States

Narcissism

Today, while me and my boyfriend were having sex, he moaned out his own name. FML

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By pierced. - United States - Reno

Today, I went to a seamstress to be fitted for my wedding dress and left with a pierced nipple. FML

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By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By sickandtiredofit - United States

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

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By OutoftheLoop - China

Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML

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By It's CSI Miami - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a fight with my mom because she believes that my fiancé is "irresponsible" and "immature". I stormed out and drove back home. There, I walked in on my fiancé and his friends. They were in a heated and almost violent argument over which CSI is the best. The wedding's next month. FML

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By t2t2sync - United States

Today, while leaving work, I noticed a woman struggling with her wheelchair. Trying to be kind, I grabbed the handles and began to push her. A few moments later, the front wheels caught on something and I ended up dumping her onto the ground. Now my coworkers all think I'm a huge douche. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the highlight of my day was a conversation about Disney, which ranged from Pocahontas lunch boxes to Disneyland Paris. I don't know who was more excited; me, a 20 year old man, or the 6 year old girl I was talking to. FML

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By coloradoman - United States

Today, while flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a new born puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice ino my lap, and than coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

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By IamAflyingCat - United States

Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML

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By lukey101 - 13/8/2020 05:01

Someone needs a hug

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of thinking and playing every outcome possible in my head, I told my parents I'm gay. My dad nodded and didn't even look up from his book; my mom told me to go to the doctor if it starts to itch. FML

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By bronco_lover89 - United States - Essexville

Today, after months of using the empty driveway across the street from my house, a note was placed under my windshield wiper. It read, "Please stop parking in my driveway. P.S. You’re hot. Are you single?" FML

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Top comments

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7945519 - Friday 16 October 2020 18:40

I think the appropriate response to her would have been to say, “Next time I’ll just leave you in the fucking burning building.” Then walk out of her life forever.

Am I playing the disproportionately escalating response game correctly?

By Kris Phillips | 3

#7945488 - Friday 16 October 2020 17:01

Go to your room young man? And stay there?

COMMENTS

By Kris Phillips | 3

#7945488 - Friday 16 October 2020 17:01

Go to your room young man? And stay there?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7945507 - Friday 16 October 2020 17:51

That's a pretty fucking lame excuse for saying fuck when you shouldn't be saying fuck. You should have the fucking self-control to reserve fuck for important things like commenting at FuckMyLife.

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7945519 - Friday 16 October 2020 18:40

I think the appropriate response to her would have been to say, “Next time I’ll just leave you in the fucking burning building.” Then walk out of her life forever.

Am I playing the disproportionately escalating response game correctly?

Reply

jfigley | 5

#7945585 - Friday 16 October 2020 23:26

Hahaha! Wow that comment is awesome. Thats hilarious....Perfect response

By spinspinsugar | 9

#7945538 - Friday 16 October 2020 20:03

the house fuckin burned down and all she cared about was you saying fuck? for fuck sakes!!

By noporn4u | 9

#7945575 - Friday 16 October 2020 22:31

Keep spitting hot fire and you'll start another blaze!

By icalledhisname | 11

#7945587 - Friday 16 October 2020 23:37

I think this is the most unique FML I have seen and I love it. Definitely FYL, OP. So dumb! The fire sucks then your mom’s reaction to you swearing sucks. If there’s ever an appropriate time to swear, that would be it.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7945603 - Saturday 17 October 2020 0:37

"Yeah? Where the fuck am I supposed to stay? My room is ash."

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7945976 - Monday 19 October 2020 4:14

Given the whole pandemic situation, I don't suppose moving out is an option.

And your mom should be grateful you both got out safely.

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7946003 - Monday 19 October 2020 7:41

Grounded in what home? Like Jesus fuck you some parents are stupid.