Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while laying in bed with my girlfriend, I felt her grab my manhood through a layer of blankets. I got a bit stiff, just in time for her to clench tight, and pull violently. She didn't know "it" was in her hand, as she was trying to cover herself with the blanket. My manhood is now red and swollen. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML
Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML
Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, and had to run to the bathroom to evacuate my bowels. She heard the horrible sounds, and I doubt I'll ever be able to seduce her again. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
buck33 14
Well I'd scream too.
dragonstrike94 8
What the he'll is wrong with her
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (469)
ChubbyNicki 6
That's ******* creepy, man. Dump the hoe.
newburton13 26
Dump her ass before it really happens. Oh, and cut all her hair off and see how she likes it.
RemixV4 1
I don't blame you, that isn't something you joke about.
Diesixdie 2
For me, that would be an instant EX girlfriend. I would have no, NO detectable sense of humor about that. None at all.
Diesixdie 2
Redundant post. Sorry.
RoxxyHustle 7
fk living it down, you need to gtfo like NOW
ChicaChica5683 0
I'm not even a guy and i know I'd scream like ****. Dump that crazy hoe!!
penguin1234 1
That's messed up, I would've freaked out
AvoirFoiEnMoi 0
Wtf?!?! Break up with her!! Clearly she's psycho!
jinxjem 0
That's the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. I'm gonna try that the next time I sleep with a guy. ^^;
wingedelephants 17
To quote other comments: "But yeah, I wouldn't dare joke like that. That's serial killer crap :/ FYL" "I'm a girl and that scares me. There's no way in any shroom induced hell that cutting off your penis could be viewed as funny or normal. Break up with her and give her the number for a mental hospital." In short jinxjem, no matter how funny the image is, please DON'T try this at home. Or anywhere.