Intimacy, Health, Sex and Insects: My new friends - FML

My new friends

By Anonymous - 09/04/2025 21:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I got a woman back to my place, but we were both too drunk for sex so we decided to nap for a few hours, then fuck. Yeah, we both woke up covered in red spots. Hell of a way to discover my house has become infested with bed bugs. She ran out so fast… FML

I agree, your life sucks 173

You deserved it 328

When Christmas Ends Badly…
Rather than debating politics with Uncle Roger for the umpteenth time, share the best Christmas FMLs to finally have a good family meal! More…

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Same thing different taste

Completely wet

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I was drinking too much and I had to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I'd pissed the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 751

You deserved it 2 074

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 840

You deserved it 26 548

How romantic

By SmokedSalmon - 13/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, I woke up next to a slumbering girl I had just met the night before. She had all the covers on top of her and I was cold. Not only was I cold, but the sheets were really cold. So I got up and realized she'd peed a drunken night's worth of beer all over my sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 253

You deserved it 43 605

By unfucked - 26/08/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 005

You deserved it 13 774

By Madmanmorton - 16/06/2011 18:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 152

You deserved it 47 334

By Matt - 13/07/2012 19:06 - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 349

You deserved it 57 843

Twisted

By sleepwalker - 22/11/2009 01:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 808

You deserved it 4 732

By Sarah Ellsberry - 13/09/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 139

You deserved it 297

The joys of spring

By pukeytimes - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 255

You deserved it 2 328

With friends like these…

By marz88 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 109

You deserved it 7 254

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Keywords

Miscellaneous My ex Stalker Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

The Top

Today, Christmas is around the corner. I ordered my mom's gift in August to avoid Christmas shopping madness and hid it so she wouldn't find it. Now I can't find it either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 115

You deserved it 1 420

Today, because I’m on my period, I asked my boyfriend to turn around so I could change my clothes. He replied, “Oh you know, I’ve seen worse, I’ve been watching Dexter.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 648

You deserved it 78

Today, my husband’s coworker made lunch for him again complete with a “cute” note. I cook every day, but somehow this single woman finds it appropriate to cook and pack lunch for my husband. When I told him it needs to stop, he said I was being too jealous, and she’s just a nice lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 196

You deserved it 147

Today, my new manager, who I have spent the last three months training, had a managers' meeting and now won't be returning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 342

You deserved it 67

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 364

You deserved it 8 281

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 360

You deserved it 7 872