By Anonymous

Not a prank, bro!

Today, I went for a run when my shin splints acted up, so I called my dad to have him come pick me up. When I saw his car approaching, I stuck out my thumb like a hitchhiker, as a joke. The car pulled over to give me a ride. It wasn't my dad. FML

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Proactive

Caught red-handed

Intense

By black_pheonix77 - 3/7/2020 02:02

Hi, how are you?

Today, even though I’m not allowed to be on my phone while on the line at work, I texted an unknown number. My manager looked at her Apple Watch. I'd texted my manager while on the job. FML

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381

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1969

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By wurtabang - United States

Today, I was at one of the urinals in a bathroom. A chubby kid goes to the urinal next to mine and starts peeing violently. Apparently, he was peeing so violently that it splashed onto my legs the whole time. I've picked the wrong day to wear shorts. FML

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30355

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By ICantBelieveThis - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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35217

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By Sam - United States

Today, my friend and his girlfriend got in a fight while drunk and he started walking home. While driving around looking for him, I accidentally hit him with my car. FML

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32936

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Today, I noticed that the longer I work from home, the more inclined my mother is to interrupting it every five or ten minutes. She says I can stay online late to make it a full 8 hours, but then gets mad when I actually do so. FML

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1014

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By Nemo

Today, I got an e-mail from a company saying that I would not be a good fit for them. Strangely, it's quite similar to an e-mail they sent me last month. And the month before. They aren't generated e-mails, each one is different. They just e-mail me every month to remind me that I suck. FML

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4154

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251

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By Anonymous - Maldives - Male

Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML

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30838

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2330

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

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34483

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By Jfly25

Today, while on my way to work, I had a tire blowout. I got the car towed and borrowed my mom’s so that I could still get to work. Her car seized and died on the expressway ramp. It’s not in any tow truck’s jurisdiction. FML

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3975

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283

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By sad45 - Canada

Today, I was shopping with my friends and I got asked by a man if I could be in one of his commercials. I obviously said yes without thinking twice. I then found out that he wanted me to be the before picture for an acne control moisturizer. FML

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64227

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

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3114

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193

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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22958

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13611

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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38626

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6716

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By ER Birthday

Unhappy Birthday

Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

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1355

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173

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running a meeting feeling very stressed. I grabbed my stress ball out of my bag, squeezing it vigorously throughout the meeting. When I stood up to talk my stress ball exploded all over my new black suit and the desk. So much for relieving stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28372

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By owwwwwe - United Kingdom

Today, I tried a self-tanner in an attempt to rid myself of my ghost-white legs. I got my wish, but instead of a warm golden tan, I have red, swollen, lobster-like marks sticking out from the bottom half of my torso. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11955

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24717

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By ... cheers - United Kingdom - Bishopton

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. His reason was that my laugh is really annoying and makes him want to "stick a baby in a blender". FML

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50976

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9683

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By FoodNeeded - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, for breakfast, I made a butter sandwich. I'm that broke. FML

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13466

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2005

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By petlover - United States

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

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36888

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By whotouchedyou1 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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57058

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By stephiexbabexx - United States

Today, I was with my friends at Burger King. While we were eating, I placed my cellphone on the tray, not realising that I'd left it there until after I emptied my tray into the bin. When I got it out of the trash, it was covered in soggy, sticky garbage. FML

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8780

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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35038

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By hahagirl - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin suddenly confided in me that he had tried to commit suicide by overdosing when he was 17. Shocked and not knowing how to respond, I blurted out, "Did it work?" FML

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10412

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By HeadTrauma - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was 25, unemployed, living with my parents, and still completely in love with someone who no longer feels the same way about me. Oh wait... it wasn't a dream. FML

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27237

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By Trumpet

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

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1702

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364

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By bitches. - United States

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

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65313

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3426

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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19664

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By go fish

Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML

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1400

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371

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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7197

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46713

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By - France

Today, I marked 600 emails in my gmail inbox as spam and it will take me hours to go through and unmark them. FML

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7058

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27796

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 08:03

MILF

Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML

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957

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449

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By AFGirlfriend - United States

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My boyfriend and I have been dying to have kids together. This would be an exciting moment if he wasn't deploying in June and will miss everything except the morning sickness. FML

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46967

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By romoangel - 21/4/2020 05:00

Full of it

Today, I felt a very sharp pain, like my appendix was going to burst. After going to the doctor, I was rushed to the hospital to get tests done. The doctors later told me there's nothing wrong, I was just constipated. I went to the hospital for them to basically tell me I'm full of shit. FML

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1374

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, for the third time this week, a telemarketer called me. Seriously annoyed, I told him in German that I don't speak English, in an attempt to get rid of him. He then started delivering his product pitch in German. FML

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55758

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By diorlove - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

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27456

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4904

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By bbedlock - Australia

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

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51207

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting some kids and helping them make a poster about insects. They couldn't think of any more insects to add so I suggested a spider, and got told to "not be a dumbass, spiders aren't insects they're arachnids." The girl is six. FML

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19867

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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28220

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By Samaritan - United Kingdom

Today, I was given a ticket for running a red light. The reason? I was moving out of the way of an ambulance. The police officer watched it go by. FML

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35606

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2981

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By smbcolorado - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845811 - Monday 23 September 2019 16:26

I guess it's nice that the carjacker stole your dad's car, but was thoughtful enough to complete his mission to get you.

That ought to get him a lighter sentence.

By zoelog | 10

#7845830 - Monday 23 September 2019 17:56

and.....so you didnt get in. not really seeing the problem here. ydi

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7845811 - Monday 23 September 2019 16:26

I guess it's nice that the carjacker stole your dad's car, but was thoughtful enough to complete his mission to get you.

That ought to get him a lighter sentence.

By zoelog | 10

#7845830 - Monday 23 September 2019 17:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By WeirdUS | 29

#7845839 - Monday 23 September 2019 18:23

So you took a very real thing and applied it in a situation where people probably would not know you and your'e surprised ? Stupid.Let me guess you thought going Area 51 was a good idea as well?

By Jonkbaby | 19

#7846427 - Thursday 26 September 2019 1:08

NIIICE