Miscellaneous: Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of...

By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sorry…

Doomed

Show me where it hurts

By Dumbass

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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By livingamongtheflowers - United States

Today, I received yet another rejection letter from a college I'd applied to. After crying for a week about how lousy I felt, my older sister gave me all 6 of the acceptance letters she'd been hiding. Turns out she's been forging rejection letters and keeping the real ones in her room. FML

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By crazychick - Canada

Today, I was told I have bipolar disorder. I'm 31. It took so long to diagnose because my mom always figured I was "just a super bitch half the time." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

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By Scarred - United States - Marquette

Today, while at work, I found a dead dog in a freezer. Turns out it's been in there for over 3 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By MGDS - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

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By Deirbhile - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

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By toonice - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

So that's what the smell was!

Today, I found my son's dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn't flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I was in the bathroom at work when I ran out of toilet paper. There was another guy in the restroom so I asked him if he could hand me a roll. He laughed, called me a dumbass, turned off the lights and walked out. FML

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By Cake Dreams

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By lol smiley face - United States

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

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By bigbum - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By rawr_ily96 - 24/5/2020 08:00 - United States

Barf

Today, I was struck at home with a stomach virus. My dad, being an occasional insensitive smart-ass, decided to cook some bacon, sit right in front of the couch I was lying on, and eat the bacon. Last time I tried to eat bacon with a stomach virus... Not pretty. FML

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By Not his SunShine anymore - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over something that happened 5 years ago. We've only been together for 2 years as of this July. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 08:08

Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue

Today, I spent almost two hours drawing a scenery. I was tired halfway in and took a break. Came back to my room to see it getting scribbled on. FML

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By qx5 - Canada

Today, I put my paycheck in my wallet, intending to cash it in the next day. Later on, I met up with a friend and went to a party. I ended up getting so drunk, I gave away my $400 check in exchange for a pack of smokes, thinking it was a $5 bill. FML

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By skinnybitch

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By "Kymberly Hams" - Australia

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

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By pottie69 - United States

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I'm now afraid to add people on Facebook. FML

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By EricCartman - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By down1dog - 26/7/2020 20:01

RIP in peace

Today, while out of town, I got a hysterical phone call from my teenage nephew who was pet-sitting at my house. My geriatric dog, who seemed fine when we left, had died during the night. Now my family is mourning the dog and my nephew is traumatized. FML

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By Loose Goose

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

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By no_leather_of_any_kind - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Concord

Today, we went to the wedding of one of my friends. As she was about to throw her bouquet, my boyfriend muttered that if I tried to catch it, we'd be through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

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By YoungSmileBones - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

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By bibou2324

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By Loserman67

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

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By hellphone_fml

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

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By peeepeee. - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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By Kiki - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

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By notgood - 4/1/2021 16:01 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I accidentally took an Ex Lax instead of an Immodium. It's gonna be a fun night. FML

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Top comments

By josh7279 | 7

#5634823 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:04

Tag you're it!

By Welshite | 39

#5634860 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:19

I don't always recognize my children, but when I do I make sure to hit them with my vehicle.

COMMENTS

By TheDoctor10 | 28

#5634821 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:04

Maybe he thought you were being lazy? If so, that's extremely inconvenient timing.

Jake_Hale | 7

#5634918 - Monday 19 August 2013 23:15

YDI for jogging outside and not going to the gym.

Jake_Hale | 7

#5634959 - Monday 19 August 2013 23:56

Yeah you should call the police OP and report him. That's considered attempted murder.

Ctrl_H | 18

#5634972 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 0:07

Why do people like 41 even exist?

jesustitts | 20

#5635047 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 0:42

Because not everyone can be smart.

By lilhellian | 26

#5634822 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:04

He was just trying to motivate you by having you chase him! :)

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5634825 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:05

Or his Dad chase OP to make him run a litle faster ;]

hcollins1 | 18

#5635072 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 1:03

If so, his dad should blare 'eye of the tiger' while he follows OP.

By josh7279 | 7

#5634823 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:04

Tag you're it!

By ThePaul007 | 14

#5634824 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:05

Haha you have a really funny dad

Jake_Hale | 7

#5634953 - Monday 19 August 2013 23:49

Yes he does LOL!

thatnucca | 36

#5634969 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 0:05

I hope that's not his little way of letting you know he'll have all your stuff packed next to a stoner spoon when you get home...

By Dallasluver19 | 14

#5634826 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:06

Go chase him...?

NinjaBunny026 | 16

#5635333 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 6:13

OP's not a dog..

By GenaALazer | 22

#5634827 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:06

Don't be so sensitive, everybody gets bumped into.

whyisitme12 | 19

#5634861 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:19

I never been bumped by a car on 2 feet

GenaALazer | 22

#5634863 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:21

It's a goddamn joke

soullyfe | 33

#5634864 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:21

...just usually not by a car.

mariepastyglue | 30

#5634885 - Monday 19 August 2013 22:36

Sorry to say, but that really wasn't a good joke. Op maybe he thought it would be funny unless it's payback, for something you're not saying in your post?.