Today, my boyfriend and I were asleep. Evidently, he was dreaming...

By anonymous - 27/2/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were asleep. Evidently, he was dreaming about being a UFC fighter, because, out of no where, he grabs the back of my head and punches me in the nose. I haven't been able to breathe right out of my nose all day. FML

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30450

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Love

Instadrama

Fashion Police

A beautiful truck decoration

By Tressa95 - 25/2/2018 18:30 - United States - Belleville

Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML

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4543

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By Eliza - 4/4/2012 03:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I noticed a strange lady following me around in the mall. After a while I began to get creeped out, so I confronted her. Apparently she has to make sure everything she buys is better than what I buy. After a long silence she said, "What? You never noticed me before?" FML

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36148

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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1719

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185

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By June - 19/5/2009 21:51 - Canada

Today, I thought I could stay on the phone and go to the bathroom without him noticing. My mom knocks on the door and without even thinking, I yelled "I'M ON THE TOILET!" He said "ew.." FML

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12579

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 16:00

Nature calls

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

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1030

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595

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By ugh mom! - 22/4/2020 20:00

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Today, my ridiculously paranoid mom was almost arrested after she caused a huge scene outside her apartment's leasing office. She demanded to pay her rent with a money order, even though they’re only accepting online payments due to the quarantine. She thinks they’re trying to steal her information. FML

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1697

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165

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By blame the maid - 13/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Deadly cocktail

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

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1303

You deserved it

114

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By Dave - 7/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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4966

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By - 25/2/2020 22:00

Her revenge

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML

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1578

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By Beestings - 24/3/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

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47382

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2012 00:19 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one of my work colleagues was staring at my severe sunburn. She wanted to know if she could "peel" me, when my sunburn becomes "ripe", because she loves the sound. She won't take no for an answer, and I work with her everyday this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26395

You deserved it

2001

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By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5791

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By - 21/2/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I had a anxiety attack about taking my anxiety medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2001

You deserved it

256

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By anon - 5/12/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

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25005

You deserved it

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By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12246

You deserved it

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By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 5/9/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

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20868

You deserved it

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By emogurl - 22/7/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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50759

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By BigMouth McRedface - 14/5/2010 02:11 - United States

Today, I was rushing to leave work and get home because I really had to use the bathroom. My cell phone rang and I thought it was my husband, so I answered by saying, "I really have to poop." Yep, not my husband. It was one of my employees, who has the same name. FML

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10775

You deserved it

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By bigdaddy - 16/7/2009 03:53 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

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By angelamegan21 - 28/5/2014 20:33 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

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43458

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By oshitdonotwant - 8/8/2009 13:42 - United States

Today, I was having breakfast when my mom's boyfriend came and sat right across from me. He didn't try and hide the fact that he was staring at my chest and told me, "Wow, you're getting bigger." I glared at him. He winked at me. FML

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By Master Debater - 1/2/2013 11:05 - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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26942

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By Cat lover - 23/12/2017 01:30

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

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4396

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 20:37 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, my car alarm went off at a funeral, three times. FML

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By Galaxy - 29/3/2014 17:03 - Belgium - Guigoven

Today, my girlfriend texted me, telling me to come home quickly, because she had a "surprise" waiting for me. I convinced my boss to let me go home, and rushed out. Turns out the "surprise" was just that she'd bought herself a pet bunny. FML

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By killer - 16/5/2009 12:21 - Latvia

Today, I went to see a fortune teller. She said one of my closest friends will die soon because of me. Frightened I hurried home to avoid meeting anyone I know. At home I found my goldfish floating on its back. Apparently I forgot to feed my closest friend for the past 3 days. FML

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17744

You deserved it

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By Cat Ashes - 5/12/2013 05:18 - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

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43644

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2020 20:01

Toxic parents

Today, my mom caught me vaping weed oil and tried to ground me. I’m 33 years old, with my own wife and kids, weed is legal in this state with a medical card, and I use it to treat the seizures I’ve had since mom belted me around the head as a kid, giving me brain damage. FML

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2643

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By Shampoodle - 11/10/2017 21:45

Today, I found out that my mom uses my incredibly expensive conditioner to wash her two dogs every single weekend. No wonder they smell so good. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

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25331

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 02:01

Whack-a-Mole

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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1634

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By Hannah - 1/3/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

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By virginmary - 6/12/2009 08:07 - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

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By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

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31138

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By Hm - 8/2/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I found out the love of my life, my husband, is cheating on me. When I confronted him about it, his response was, "Don't blame me, you're the gullible bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46360

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 05:04 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, a customer told me that there was no way he was paying for his shopping. He then walked off. As it turns out, the customer IS always right. FML

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By oh god why - 6/10/2019 00:01

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

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1611

You deserved it

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By Dulieu - 10/2/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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Top comments

By imaweener | 0

#898153 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:00

OP, you should dream about being in a tag rope contest and pull his dick as hard as you can. haha.

By mariahrawks | 0

#898173 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:03

I'd like to see an FML where nobody chooses YDI. Honestly, someone explain to me how OP deserved this; it's not like OP punched him first as far as we're concerned.

COMMENTS

By phixx | 0

#898118 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:54

first

saywaturcoco | 0

#898126 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:56

haha

tinetine_fml | 0

#898131 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:57

wow that sucks!
n noone cares if ur firsr

thenormalguy | 0

#898134 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:57

lmao

keenan61194 | 4

#898147 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:59

well, at least he can punch. maybe he has a future in UFC

asianwolf | 2

#898151 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:59

lolololol. you just made my day!!!

PottheadSam | 0

#898158 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:00

wanna play codmw2

OmgGuessWhatChic | 0

#898199 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:10

I just farted

Biohazard41 | 0

#898300 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:38

I almost died laughing

Rakayum | 0

#898304 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:40

i'm sure you blue balled him at one point in the relationship..this is karma

TheCoolGuy3434 | 0

#898314 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:43

haha suks for u

thatssomeBS | 9

#898386 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:11

definitely karma...

tehchowder | 0

#898400 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:15

he wasn't asleep or dreaming.

reyemrein | 0

#898447 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:32

He dreams about punching you. This is a sign. Listen to it.

iSwag | 0

#898605 - Saturday 27 February 2010 22:41

better than an armbar

DemonChicken | 0

#898747 - Saturday 27 February 2010 23:32

RAMBO THAT HOE!!!

NoWFoReVeR | 0

#899214 - Sunday 28 February 2010 2:25

I would beat the shit out of that dude for hitting a woman

powermad80 | 2

#899394 - Sunday 28 February 2010 4:23

this is friggin hilarious. favorited!

shab677 | 0

#899563 - Sunday 28 February 2010 5:59

lol!

Betz | 10

#899669 - Sunday 28 February 2010 6:44

well now you know what you'll be "dreaming" about tonight as well.

ButterflyBaby | 0

#903068 - Monday 1 March 2010 5:48

break up with him. you shouldn't hit girls, intentional or not.

42billybob | 5

#904306 - Monday 1 March 2010 15:54

@151: are you retarded?

Gfrigo | 1

#1034337 - Friday 18 June 2010 1:14

tapout!!!

immazombeastxD | 0

#1097585 - Friday 16 July 2010 9:10

you didn't make him a fuckin sammich

By samantha_durano | 6

#898119 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:54

hahah, oh my god that's horrible.

jorgebell17 | 0

#898289 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:31

number two, you look amazing!

salic77 | 11

#898334 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:50

your pretty.....(:

By nevsky6 | 3

#898120 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:55

you are not the FIRST to have bloody nose!

Firesushi200 | 3

#898123 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:55

i havent been able to breath throygh my nose since i wz born

samantha_durano | 6

#898419 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:21

why thankyou:)
#4: how could you not breathe out of your nose since you were born?

asianwolf | 2

#898537 - Saturday 27 February 2010 22:16

I think it's called breathing through your mouth.

harryman04 | 0

#898548 - Saturday 27 February 2010 22:21

haha ya 2 you're gorgeous :)

xxxWebbxxx | 0

#898780 - Saturday 27 February 2010 23:42

I love it how people are so lonely they try to pick up girls on a random fml comment. lmao

Anonnamus | 0

#898885 - Sunday 28 February 2010 0:21

Uh...this isn't a dating website? I thought FML stood for For My Love. Fuck my life. Back to TWI for me.

xxxWebbxxx | 0

#898892 - Sunday 28 February 2010 0:24

^^^. FTW

xiFlyx | 0

#898973 - Sunday 28 February 2010 1:04

lmfaaao xDD
this is a win .

DonkeyDelight | 0

#899465 - Sunday 28 February 2010 5:04

OR, they like to inform people that they are pretty and make them feel good about themselves.

asianwolf | 2

#899494 - Sunday 28 February 2010 5:14

I like 98 idea better

im2good25 | 0

#899863 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:41

exactly. nothing wrong with 40 year olds complimenting a youngin

By Dbag320 | 0

#898127 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:56

Sucks.

benito_fml | 0

#898135 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:57

that sucks

Lordlucian | 0

#898439 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:29

U sure he was asleep? lolz

By TheFluffNut | 0

#898132 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:57

damn

By allen20 | 0

#898137 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:57

Dats some rough sexx huh? ;)

allen2020 | 0

#898282 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:30

my account got banned >:(

allen2020 | 0

#898412 - Saturday 27 February 2010 21:19

my comment got deleted! >:((

By Craw25 | 0

#898139 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:58

damn that sucks

kiss_of_death | 0

#898149 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:59

HAHA THATS A FUKING FAIL THERE

By benen | 0

#898144 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:58

niceee

garuru | 4

#898712 - Saturday 27 February 2010 23:23

are you dating chris brown? haha

kristen_lesli | 0

#902738 - Monday 1 March 2010 4:50

xD definately win, my friend!!! xD ^^^

By imaweener | 0

#898153 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:00

OP, you should dream about being in a tag rope contest and pull his dick as hard as you can. haha.

By stinkytruck | 0

#898162 - Saturday 27 February 2010 20:01

yeah. that's it.....a dream....right!