Polyamory is complicated

By wtf - 20/02/2021 05:01

Spicy
Today, I had amazing sex with my new boyfriend. Later, my husband told me I'd betrayed him, even though he had told me it was okay, because he heard it. I’ve been forced to hear to him through the thin walls of our house, having sex with my ex, for almost a year. FML
I agree, your life sucks 1 011
You deserved it 2 068

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I get the feeling that this open relationship thing was his idea, and he probably jumped into bed with your ex as soon as you agreed to go along with it. I'm also thinking that it took you a while to find your new boyfriend, and your husband either thought you'd never find someone else, or you wouldn't go as far as sleeping with them. Now that you have, it sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty for having a boyfriend, even though he agreed to it, because what he really wanted was an excuse to bang your ex without you calling him a cheater, and still have you waiting for him should your ex become unavailable, or interested in a threesome. If this seems familiar, your husband is a dick, and you should consider a separation/divorce. If I'm way off, your husband is still a dick for saying you betrayed him, but you can tell him it was something he agreed to, so he has to live with it just like you.

Everyone in your house should wear earplugs at all times. Problem solved.

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Everyone in your house should wear earplugs at all times. Problem solved.

Sounds like you both have some stuff to work through. Couples therapy may be very beneficial or even a divorce if you both are truely unhappy and are unable to work through it

This is a poly relationship the OP is talking about. You're applying standards of a monogamous relationship style to it, which doesn't seem to fit.

It doesn't seem like not everyone in this relationship is in a "poly" relationship. Seems more like the husband wants to cheat on his partner without consequences while denying him the right to do the same. Couples counselling or divorce therefore seem like reasonable options to me. It's not like the comment says "leave his cheating ass"

Except, it doesn't sound like a typical poly relationship and more like manipulation on the husband's part.

Except that one person is being forced (their word) to endure something that they really don't enjoy, which is disrespectful no matter what type of relationship it is. Also, trying to make someone feel guilty about something that was already agreed to is not healthy behavior. Finally, it would take an incredibly mature person to listen to their current partner have repeated sex with the person's ex without getting upset about it. Add it all up, and they definitely have some things to work through, possibly in therapy.

Open marriage need rules... I'm going to guess covid is why you're there. Have you not heard of ear plugs? Also was this today or last year?

I get the feeling that this open relationship thing was his idea, and he probably jumped into bed with your ex as soon as you agreed to go along with it. I'm also thinking that it took you a while to find your new boyfriend, and your husband either thought you'd never find someone else, or you wouldn't go as far as sleeping with them. Now that you have, it sounds like he's trying to make you feel guilty for having a boyfriend, even though he agreed to it, because what he really wanted was an excuse to bang your ex without you calling him a cheater, and still have you waiting for him should your ex become unavailable, or interested in a threesome. If this seems familiar, your husband is a dick, and you should consider a separation/divorce. If I'm way off, your husband is still a dick for saying you betrayed him, but you can tell him it was something he agreed to, so he has to live with it just like you.

Exactly

You deserve each other, cheating bastards.

It's called an open relationship. No one is cheating. Monogamy is not for everyone. Don't be so judgy about how other people live their lives

OP's poly relationship doesn't seem to work either

Thus makes no sense to me at all.

Yup, my ex-husband thought poly was a great idea when I brought it up. That was when he thought he could sleep with anyone he wanted and we'd have lots of threesomes. He changed his mind real quick when he realized that no, I didn't want threesomes, and yes, it meant I could have a boyfriend too.

You both seem to have different boundaries, which is normal. But there doesn't seem to be much communication between you two. My advice would be: talk about it. It's completely normal in poly relationships for people to have different levels of comfort regarding how much they want to know about their partner's sex life with their metamours. And you don't seem to be entirely comfortable listening to him having sex with someone else either. So why didn't you communicate that before? If you don't talk about it, eventually your relationship will fall apart. So this isn't an FML. It's simply an opportunity to have a honest talk with your partner about comfort zone and boundaries. Sounds to me like you are both pretty uncomfortable listening to the other having sex with someone else. That's completely alright. Just communicate that and then respect each other's boundary in that regard.

Great answer. I don't think the wife was trying to be disrespectful.

Why are you even married?