By oompaloompa

New, from L'Oréal!

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1239

You deserved it

433

Tweet

Share

Walk on the wild side

Serious times

Mother of the year

By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42317

You deserved it

3177

Tweet

Share

By ohmylordy - United States

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35235

You deserved it

6624

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I was in a hurry to get something out of the oven, so I quickly grabbed my roommate's only oven mitt and grabbed the pan in the oven. It didn't take long to figure out there was a hole in it when my thumb hit the hot pan. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1761

You deserved it

231

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wrexham

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, and I really started getting into it. I said, "Hang on tight, this is gonna get intense." She replied, "Doubt it" and yawned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59150

You deserved it

18864

Tweet

Share

By breeeeeh - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27657

You deserved it

69740

Tweet

Share

By avatarnicole9 - Canada

Today, while going for a walk, I saw two bunnies next to the road. Apparently, I was scarier than the oncoming traffic, because one of them decided to sprint into the road as I walked by. I could hear its bones crunch as it got hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29866

You deserved it

2923

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2610

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

By funnygirl018 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48641

You deserved it

5691

Tweet

Share

By Alana - Australia

Today, I went to a New Year's party with my boyfriend. Later into the night, he got drunk, and left me there to go to another party with his friends. I have no car, and no way to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27625

You deserved it

3578

Tweet

Share

By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47666

You deserved it

6127

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard my mom telling someone how proud she was of her baby girl and how much she loved her. I thought she was referring to my first ever all "A" report card. Turns out my new kitten used its litter box correctly for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30988

You deserved it

3570

Tweet

Share

By MJ3105 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37143

You deserved it

152789

Tweet

Share

By Noname - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11256

You deserved it

44932

Tweet

Share

By Seabiscuit - United States

Today, I was snuggling in bed with my girlfriend. She was depressed, so I complimented her strong legs, saying they were "like a horse." I spent the next hour and a half trying to stop her crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15461

You deserved it

77613

Tweet

Share

By ShowOff - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to demonstrate to my friend how laughably dull our kitchen knives are by swiping one across my palm. Turns out Dad noticed the problem yesterday and sharpened them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11160

You deserved it

53344

Tweet

Share

By poorlyparented - United States - San Antonio

Today, my coworker decided to give me "the talk". I'm 21 and not a virgin, yet most of what she said was new to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32072

You deserved it

5668

Tweet

Share

By melon squash - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13465

You deserved it

1299

Tweet

Share

By joolsie - United Kingdom

Today, I received a note from my creepy ex, whom I broke up with two years ago, saying how much he still misses me. I live over 100 miles away from him now. The note was hand-delivered to my new address. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51741

You deserved it

3574

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, after months of dinners, coffees, drinks, and a few nights together, the girl of my dreams told me about this awesome guy she met yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48409

You deserved it

4878

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32013

You deserved it

3155

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Gloucester

Thanks Karen

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46577

You deserved it

4333

Tweet

Share

By justanothergamergirl

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1743

You deserved it

1121

Tweet

Share

By RubyRed213

Today, I found out that my parents are extremely active swingers by finding their online profile with photos of my mom with a dildo. I guess those out-of-town trips weren't just holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4184

You deserved it

397

Tweet

Share

By fecurtis - United States

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32529

You deserved it

13324

Tweet

Share

By Jamie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24751

You deserved it

3968

Tweet

Share

By Whatdididowrong?

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39263

You deserved it

12333

Tweet

Share

By mako

Today, I sent my mom a link to a news article via Facebook. Immediately after sending, however, I noticed I had forgotten to copy the news article's link, and what I had sent instead was the last thing I had copied and pasted: a porn link. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2846

You deserved it

6454

Tweet

Share

By Gem - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33046

You deserved it

3789

Tweet

Share

By mikeyamazing - France

Today, feeling festive, I sent everyone on my phone's contact list a holiday message. Almost everyone replied back "who's this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

31400

You deserved it

4777

Tweet

Share

By ANNIEDBD - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26953

You deserved it

2115

Tweet

Share

By bitches. - United States

Today, I was walking by a bunch of pretty girls. I'm not the most attractive boy, so I walked by nervously. I heard one yell "Hey cutie!" I turned to look, and they started laughing. She said "Oh my god, sorry! I assumed you were cute from your butt!" Apparently, my ass is nicer than my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65341

You deserved it

3427

Tweet

Share

By Flippy - United States

Today, at work, I was reprimanded for not engaging with customers enough. In an effort to be more friendly, I complimented the next customer on her interesting accent. Turns out it was from a stroke she had last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30131

You deserved it

6186

Tweet

Share

By ummno - United States

Today, I was awakened in the middle of the night by a frantic banging on my front door. It was a guy whom I'd only been dating a few weeks, with a suitcase. He stated that his wife kicked him out for having an affair, and thought now would be a good time to move in together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42402

You deserved it

13506

Tweet

Share

By bigjohn106 - United States

Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44599

You deserved it

3188

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Power move

Today, I was walking my girlfriend to class when my friend came by and playfully punched me in the arm. Trying not to look like a wimp, I turned around to hit him in the arm. Instead, I ended up punching a girl in the face. Now my girlfriend won't talk to me and I'm suspended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

668

You deserved it

1661

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1507

You deserved it

601

Tweet

Share

By crunkdrunk - United States

Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out. I decided to look at my camera to figure out what happened the night before. All my pictures were deleted except one video of me dancing to Lollipop by Lil Wayne, and giving a lapdance and head to my giant plush rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11574

You deserved it

57145

Tweet

Share

By Bhrugu - 3/5/2021 11:32 - India - Hyderabad

Covid depression

Today, after a month of online school due to the second wave of Covid in India, I discovered that I have lost the ability to enjoy most of everything I used to. I can't enjoy reading, eating, music, or everything else. The doctor says it's anhedonia. I'm not depressed, or at least that's I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks

774

You deserved it

97

Tweet

Share

By DrunkGirl - France

Today, I went on a date with an awesome guy. I got super hammered and punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9609

You deserved it

62269

Tweet

Share

By Bekah - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37546

You deserved it

4425

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7854678 - Monday 28 October 2019 15:06

Always do a spot test before applying the entire area to where people actually notices.

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7854670 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:33

try again. they have different colors, but this time do a spot test. good luck.

COMMENTS

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7854663 - Monday 28 October 2019 12:39

At least you can hide your stomach

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7854670 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:33

try again. they have different colors, but this time do a spot test. good luck.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854672 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:56

Tell people your going to be a cheetah for Halloween

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7854678 - Monday 28 October 2019 15:06

Always do a spot test before applying the entire area to where people actually notices.