By oompaloompa - 28/10/2019 12:00

New, from L'Oréal!

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

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Messed up

Out of it

They're everywhere

By Is_This_Real - 13/9/2016 02:34 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By ... - 29/11/2008 11:50 - France

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 15:09 - United States - Beacon

Today, my boyfriend called me pretty. Not because he actually thinks I'm pretty, but because "Hey, how else is a guy supposed to get laid?" FML

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By Emily - 21/9/2012 01:39 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

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By Druggie - 7/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Culver City

Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML

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By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

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By swallowsafly - 8/6/2019 04:00

Today, Facebook sent me a new friend suggestion. I opened it only to see that the person suggested was the home wrecker that broke up my marriage 4 years ago. Her cover picture is her and my ex together, along with a group of people that I used to be friends with. FML

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By Lisa - 18/7/2014 20:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 22:00

Love is strange

Today, I learned that, just like in the movies, your ex-boyfriend can eventually wind up being your stepfather. FML

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By anlhawks - 10/9/2010 04:02 - United States

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

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By Needasafe1234 - 25/9/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, it was my mother's birthday. My 5 year old brother and 85 year old grandma decided to decorate the house with balloons and a blow up "people" they found in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By badatlove - 3/11/2016 20:42 - United States

Today, I climbed to the top of the tallest building in my city with this guy I really like. He spotted the girl he had a crush on, and wouldn't shut up about her for the rest of the night. FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By thisguy - 24/2/2012 01:54 - Canada

Today, I was so busy checking my phone for live bus arrival times I didn't notice the bus pull up, let the people beside me on and drive away. FML

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By drivencrazy - 6/7/2010 16:42 - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By Mr. X - 23/2/2016 17:46 - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By KittKatt - 20/5/2015 05:34 - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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By juliearis - 6/7/2013 19:45 - United States - Westport

Today, my husband received the "antique" samurai sword that he bought on Craigslist with $399.99 of our money. He only shared my outrage at the waste of money when he opened the package, only to find a toy sword along with a note saying, "HAHA, TROLLED." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 14:43 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I managed to bruise my nipple by closing an umbrella on it. The stupidity of the whole thing hurts almost as much as the injury. FML

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By peteto818 - 18/12/2014 17:59 - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, my boyfriend jokingly said that if I didn't pass my exam, he wouldn't have sex with me for a month. I failed it, and now he thinks I did it on purpose. FML

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By HarleyDavison - 5/10/2014 18:44 - United States - Harrisonville

Today, I went to a parade. While I was there, I ran into my ex and his new girlfriend. Trying to prove I was over him, I tried to act like I was oblivious to them and having a great time. I turned around, only for a piece of candy to hit me square me in the eye. FML

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By Stinky - 3/5/2017 06:00 - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel in the rain in formerly waterproof boots. FML

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By oliver - 27/1/2016 12:02 - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

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By fritzile - 10/1/2016 23:53 - United States - Chandler

Today, I told a customer the bread he wanted has been discontinued. He replied with, "Are you serious? What is your name? I'm going up front to complain about you." I still don't understand how that's specifically my fault. FML

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By Username - 27/5/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By sohungry - 2/1/2012 12:18 - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By ceedee - 24/1/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I was pondering the meaning of life - why I'm here, why anyone is here, why go on, and whether it's worth it... Then it hit me. The football in the head, not the meaning of life. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:50 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 15:31 - Australia - Burwood

Today, I overheard my 14-year-old daughter telling her friend that she's saving money to get her hymen surgically removed so her first time won't hurt. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 00:22 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2019 00:06

Today, my fiancé accidentally ran over the priest who is supposed to be marrying us in 3 days. Now, not only do we need a new priest, we need a new church to get married in, with only 3 days to find them. FML

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By CivE - 25/1/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I started work as the head engineer for a big civil engineering project. I met the rest of my team, in particular the environmental engineer who I'll need to get along with the most. As it turns out, I took her virginity when we were freshmen in college. She still thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By randm1 - 2/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By strangebeans - 25/7/2012 05:27 - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I was pulling into a parking garage space and using the next car over to judge where the wall was in front of me, but ended up whumping my front bumper as I pulled forward. Wondering what had happened, I got out to see that the car I was aligning myself against had hit the wall too. FML

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By jitiizer - 19/9/2012 17:02 - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

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By lance - 12/3/2010 12:10 - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 08:01 - Canada - Toronto

Anonymous's next job could be in cyber (she just doesn't know it yet)

Today, my doctor told me the severe hearing damage from my car accident is permanent. I just graduated with a degree for Interpreting and Translating. FML

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Top comments

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7854678 - Monday 28 October 2019 15:06

Always do a spot test before applying the entire area to where people actually notices.

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7854670 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:33

try again. they have different colors, but this time do a spot test. good luck.

COMMENTS

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7854663 - Monday 28 October 2019 12:39

At least you can hide your stomach

By Trinity Fenwick | 7

#7854670 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:33

try again. they have different colors, but this time do a spot test. good luck.

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7854672 - Monday 28 October 2019 13:56

Tell people your going to be a cheetah for Halloween

By silentbabydeer | 10

#7854678 - Monday 28 October 2019 15:06

Always do a spot test before applying the entire area to where people actually notices.