Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 102

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 110

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 41

03/04/2012 05:13

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 405

You deserved it 37 656

Mother of the year

Late term

Check yourself

08/01/2013 00:21

Today, I found a ring box in the pocket of my boyfriend's pants while doing laundry. I eagerly walked up to him knowing that it was an engagement ring, hoping that he would propose on the spot. He tossed it back to me and said, "Well you found it, I don't actually have to ask now, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 246

You deserved it 51 529

29/11/2010 12:39

Spicy

Today, I had to make up a boyfriend to stop my lesbian roommate coming onto me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 131

You deserved it 6 612

29/05/2010 18:20

Today, I wasn't feeling well, so I took my temperature with a thermometer from my sister's bathroom. I later found out that I actually used my sister's rectal thermometer. At least I don't have a fever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 056

You deserved it 9 614

23/11/2008 16:44

Today, I bought my new electric razor. I tried it, and washed it. I started to shake it, in order to get rid of the water. It was pretty slippy, and it exploded on the floor of my bathroom. The warranty doesn't cover this, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 957

You deserved it 8 548

26/06/2012 05:01

Today, I came home from a knee surgery. I asked my mother to get me a glass of water. She replied, "You can get it, you're not crippled. Oh wait, yeah you are" and laughed hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 919

You deserved it 3 049

Tesla was robbed

By Fuck you, Tesla. - 21/09/2021 14:00

Today, my car ran out of battery. I'm writing this from the middle of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 551

21/05/2019 00:00

Today, I slipped and gashed my head bad enough that my head had to be shaved to be sewn up. Right after it had finished growing back from chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 934

You deserved it 115

19/05/2017 16:00

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 211

You deserved it 356

13/03/2012 06:21

Today, while I was looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and myself, he asked me how would I feel about his mom moving in together with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 300

You deserved it 2 600

14/11/2018 17:30

Today, as I was teaching my 10th grade biology honors class, a student came in with a dead frog and asked if we could dissect it. He tried to toss it to me and missed, so it landed in a girl's lap. She threw up all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 828

You deserved it 177

01/04/2011 14:19

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 781

You deserved it 4 573

08/07/2009 21:43

Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 888

You deserved it 5 532

28/10/2009 20:19

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 877

You deserved it 3 244

19/11/2010 19:38

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 093

You deserved it 2 337

26/03/2019 18:00

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 248

Evil will always win

By Anonymous - 04/05/2020 08:00

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 176

01/12/2016 16:00

Today, my family was watching a football game and kept mentioning their team's quarterback's name and, as I'm not a football fan by any means, asked them who this was. My grandma then turned to me and said, "This is why you don't have a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 319

You deserved it 1 279

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 20:02

Today, my job has a policy where you can only have two breaks if you work 7 hours or more. I've recently been assigned multiple strings of 6 hour 45 minute shifts. And no, I can't work 15 minutes of overtime so I can have the extra break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 542

You deserved it 169

27/06/2012 05:05

Spicy

Today, while cashiering at the drug store, I saw my ex-boyfriend, who I'm still completely in love with. Being the only cashier, I had to ring him up. He was buying condoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 983

You deserved it 3 586

22/01/2009 11:10

Today, I decided to get a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. As bent down to put my pen away, my Blizzard somehow defied the laws of gravity and fell on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 166

You deserved it 4 232

09/06/2019 00:00

Spicy

Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 321

Crossed Animal

By NotCool - 19/01/2021 19:57

Today, just like every other day, my mom has prioritized doing chores and chatting with her neighbors above even talking to me. This would be fine, if it wasn't in Animal Crossing. Apparently, a lifestyle video game is more important than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 100

18/01/2017 20:00

Today, I found out my friends replaced the water in my bottle with vodka when all my fish died. Any water I don't finish the night before, I pour into my tank the next morning. Thousands of dollars and years hard work, gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 586

You deserved it 1 653

28/06/2013 15:51

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 476

You deserved it 4 029

02/01/2009 18:06

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 3 431

23/03/2016 01:36

Today, I was driving to work and I got a text from my girlfriend. She said she was breaking up with me. I was a little heartbroken, but I had to get on with my day. I got to work and my boss fired me. Turns out, my boss and girlfriend have been having an affair and she told him to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 598

You deserved it 1 590

20/11/2018 15:00

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 7 125

Simple pleasures

By juggalo2 - 10/10/2021 05:00

Today, at work, I overrode the limit on my forklift, allowing me to carry four pallets instead of two. Then I was able to place them all within a ten-foot radius, giving a massive boost to my efficiency. My excitement faded when I realized that was actually the high point of my day/week/month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 204

Bored of you

By ajwwfc - 19/10/2020 23:03

Today, I realised that whenever I make eye contact with a stranger, I yawn. I work at a McDonald's FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 129

A+ for Effort

By Anonymous - 14/02/2017 22:40

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 938

You deserved it 726

22/01/2013 18:49

Today, I went and bought lunch for all the people I work with. The only meal the place forgot was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 252

You deserved it 3 293

07/01/2012 00:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 235

You deserved it 4 374

04/01/2010 17:40

Today, while using the bathroom on an airplane, someone walked in on me wiping my butt. That person just so happened to be the stranger I was sitting next to. It was an 8 hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 074

You deserved it 8 168

Sleeping together is exhausting

By Anonymous - 08/10/2021 14:00

Today, my boyfriend and I realized how hard it is to get a good night's sleep next to each other when we both fell asleep watching John Wick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 584

You deserved it 149

Cheers

By ineedanotherdrink - 07/08/2009 09:43

Spicy

Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 906

You deserved it 5 399

23/06/2012 15:11

Today, the mall got evacuated while I was getting my hair colored. I am now standing outside of a crowded mall, wearing a showercap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 149

You deserved it 3 011

31/03/2018 15:00

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 918

You deserved it 232

17/09/2009 17:44

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 736

You deserved it 3 714

17/11/2012 13:34

Today, my crush finally agreed to spend the night with me. I told my parents to act normal for one night. Apparently, "normal" is strutting around naked and acting like a chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 040

You deserved it 6 114

Cheeky!

By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 05:16

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 096

You deserved it 23 564

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:58

I'm confused - are the white stripes on the back of your thighs where your legs touched the seat, or is that where the pee dripped down the backs of your le... Oh, fuck it, it doesn't matter. You're an idiot regardless.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:42

An orange toilet bowl... Well at least more original than the usual white ones

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KM96 24

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:41

Interesting. Sorry for that OP. I hope it can be corrected

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:00

I don't get why people tan? You turn orange, personally i don't think its beautiful at all! What's wrong with being natural?

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:07

I get spray tanned every week, only lightly and mine is brown, never orange. I tried a natural tan and that when slightly orange. Moral of the story, don't trust "natural" spray tans.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:36

Wasn't there a recent news story on the increasing risk of melanoma (not from spray tanning)? Anyway, yeah 13, I don't get it either. Everytime I see a chick with a spray tan, I'm led to believe she has at least three pictures on her facebook with her doing the duckface while looking bug-eyed at the camera. And if a dude spray tans? Blerrgh.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:59

Guys definitely should not be spray tanning. I don't know about the melanoma I thought that was just from using sunbeds?

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:18

Tanning is good but not a lot... Spray tans should be last option in my opinion... Some people just cant tan..... So spray tan is there to help... Dont become oompa loompa colored doe... Thats just ugly looking

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:51

Haha(: Last year a guy in my class spray tanned himself!! oh gawwdd! He looked like a ompa lompa! Everybody was telling him that:P

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:02

40 the guy in your picture could do with some tan in his life.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:08

44 That guy is a gay hippy from....dare I say it....One Direction

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:16

Well sunbeds and the sun are theoretically the exact same thing.. They both use UV rays except one is also sustaining life while the other only cooks your body into a nice strip of human bacon

TheBonzaiGirl 0

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 15:23

It's Canada (aka the land of no sun) people would've known your tan was a pseudo tan anyways! ;)

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:23

to me vhicks just look stupid tanning in the winter, you get tan in the summer not winter

shannonreneee 11

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 17:39

I think people who lay out in the sun or sun bed purposely to get a tan are as stupid as the oompa loompas

MissHayleyJames 7

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 21:27

The only people who should spray tan are bodybuilders and people going to do a photo shoot. There are some spray tans that don't leave you orange, but they're still obviously fake. I've been to enough bodybuilding shows to know. Granted tanning beds and laying in the sun should be limited. As good as it feels, the akin cancer in 10 years just isn't worth it.

sadandbroke20 18

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Sunday 2 June 2013 2:41

Its called bleach people use it and just respray the area it rubbed off

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:42

An orange toilet bowl... Well at least more original than the usual white ones

KM96 24

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:53

Ha ha yeah totally! I wonder wha visitors might think !

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:39

Yeah because white is to mainstream.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:59

.. as orange-striped is to alternative.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:04

That's why you perform the hover!!!

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Wednesday 4 April 2012 15:16

Racing stripes! they make you go aster.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:44

Spray tans FTL. YDI for even using one IMO.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:54

When will women learn that looking like an Oompa Loompa is not attractive? Then again Jersey Shore has made guys do the same. Why can we look all natural? Everyone looks more beautiful that way.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:59

No, no, no! You misunderstand. She's a descendant of the infamous race of hucks! It's a human-duck hybrid. They are notorious for making their duck faces in evey picture they take, and occasionally let in a quack or two during speech. These are not a very rare species mind you. They can be found all over Facebook. Happy stalking.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:55

KeyboardWarrior-Don't you love how she took it in the middle of a public restroom? I wonder what awkward dialogue went on before the pic was taken.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 20:36

Agreed. The only thing worse than leathery, cancer ridden skin, from years of beautiful tans, is wasting the beautiful tan years as an Oompa Loompa

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:45

Should've squatted or something :)

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:02

Pfft, always trying to do things the easy way I see. What she should've done was do a backwards handstand and tried to arc it into the toilet bowl. That's what all the cool kids are doing nowadays.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:17

Wear pants 24/7 no one will notice. They'll be to busy looking at your orange face.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:36

She should've went into the shower and just let it go

david_ezekias 8

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:51

it would've been easier for a guy!

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 14:52

Guess I'm not a cool kid :(

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 23:26

GENIUS LOL.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:46

Aha well goodluck with that

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 16:41

Lol that fag deserves it for sitting down to pee. Stand and piss like a man!

ClassyCommando 13

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 16:47

OP is a woman, dude. An orange woman. A female Oompa-Loompa, if you will.

DontForgetMe4 0

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:47

I'm sorry, I thought that it was obvious not to touch anything?

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:51

Haha, fail on my part since i thought it was a guy and thought he missed the toilet or something. Though, yeah, i feel it was something that could have been foreseen

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 12:24

I thought I was the only one :)

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Wednesday 4 April 2012 10:13

I've never really heard occurs wanting tans. Hm. XD

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:51

guess its time to try getting a real tan

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:55

i've done this with a white couch...

africanelephants 7

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:32

You tried to pee on a couch?

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 13:43

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 23:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Wednesday 4 April 2012 4:43

I literally thought I was going to cry... I said I was sorry... it wasn't even offensive... it was just a bad joke... T-T ...I'm sorry.

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Thursday 5 April 2012 0:43

... v._.v

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Friday 6 April 2012 8:19

I hope you guys are proud of making a 13 year old cry. I'd love to know how f•cking perfect you are.

KunoKanashimi 3

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Friday 6 April 2012 14:41

Mountain out of a molehill, dear, mountain out of a molehill.

CookieGirl4ever 13

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Tuesday 10 April 2012 7:43

...v-_-" ... Idk what to do ... no matter wtf I do I get hated ... over a bad joke ... that I tried about 10 times to apologize for.

BradTheBrony 19

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 20:49

Here's what your comments look like: EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON EMOTICON!

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Wednesday 19 December 2012 5:58

CookieGirl: Welcome to the Internet.

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Tuesday 3 April 2012 11:58

OP that sucks, nothing worse than a streaky tan, should have gone to a professional... Or held it until your tan dried. Good luck evening that one out, fyl!