By pornstorebitch - 23/10/2019 00:01

Knock yourself out, dude

Today, I got told I was a bitch because I wouldn’t let a homeless man dig through my dumpster at work, even though he was hungry. We don’t even sell food. I work at a sex store. FML

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Rock, hard place

Yappy neighborhood

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 03:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, before leaving my house, I OCD-checked all of my doors 16 times to make sure that they were locked. When I got home, my house had been broken into. Turns out I accidentally unlocked my front door when trying to lock it for the last time. This is why I have OCD. FML

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By fuckmee - 1/8/2017 05:00

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back. FML

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By UniqueKay - 15/7/2019 06:06

Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML

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By Johannes_712 - 5/7/2019 12:00

Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML

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By Anonyme - 22/6/2016 05:15 - Switzerland - Geneve

Today, I was trying to seduce a really good-looking girl, when all of a sudden she leaned in towards me and said, “Sorry, I’m not drunk enough to make out with you.“ FML

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By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - 30/3/2016 05:24 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, my new coworker asked if I knew her daughter. I responded yes and asked how her pregnancy was going. She didn't know her daughter was pregnant. FML

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By Nutty - 16/11/2018 22:00

Today, I finally spent the night with a new guy after recently ending a 3-year toxic relationship. The new guy disappeared for 2 hours in the middle of the night, then came back to bed. Turns out he was busy snogging my housemate. I really choose them well. FML

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By notquitejuliet - 4/7/2015 00:54 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I decided I wanted to bleach my hair, so I asked my mother for help. Apparently, something went wrong, because clumps of my hair started falling out. Now I'm half blonde and half bald, and my mom is just laughing at me. FML

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By Pandaling - 26/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Minneapolis

Devil parents

Today, my mother-in-law said: "People who don't have kids are children of the devil." I'm infertile, she knows this. FML

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By desperategurl - 21/8/2012 08:39 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was so desperate for any kind of male romantic attention that I googled "prison pen pals", and I'm considering writing to one. FML

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By paparoach - 21/12/2014 07:59 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2014 05:00 - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2016 14:19

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

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By Latina - 11/1/2013 10:24 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By amanda_ae_erin - 10/11/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years broke up with me in a text message. Then I found out from a mutual friend that he "came out" and told everyone at our school that he is gay. He has known he was gay for years and he was just using me as a cover up. What a great way to start my senior year. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2013 21:20 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I was taking a stroll in our yard, when my mother decided it would be hilarious to run me down with her Segway. FML

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By BabyBeardy - 10/12/2009 23:05 - Australia

Today, I stepped out of a bar in order to make a phone call. While I was outside, the bouncers arrived and ropes were put up. They wouldn't let me back in, claiming I was too young and they hadn't seen me come out. I was celebrating my 26th birthday, the legal drinking age is 18. I also have a beard. FML

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By Pain - 28/6/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my cigarette down my shirt. There are now two unsightly, painful burns right in the center of my chest. FML

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By Baldy - 7/9/2017 13:00

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By NoFriends - 2/8/2009 17:12 - United States

Today, I was with my mom and my boyfriend at lunch. My phone rings and my mom excitedly says "You have friends!" As I'm about to answer it, she pulls out her phone from under the table and says "Kidding, it's just me." My boyfriend starts cracking up, and they exchange a high five. FML

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By toobad - 2/6/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number I said 'Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number'. So many girls have given me that number, I memorized it. FML

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By anonymous - 13/1/2012 05:05 - Canada

Today, I sold my Xbox and Kinect to a guy. I forgot that sometimes I'd play Dance Central naked, and the Kinect would make videos. This guy now has videos of me, naked, badly dancing. FML

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By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By Mb13 - 21/12/2016 20:02

Today, I got my nipples pierced. Momentarily forgetting about the piercings, I started to lather up with my loofa. Shark week in the shower. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Olympia

Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML

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By Henry - 11/11/2011 22:29 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

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By h - 20/12/2018 00:00

Today, while at a restaurant, my three year old daughter pointed at an African-American girl and yelled out “She’s ugly because she’s black!” Me and my wife got dirty looks for the entire rest of our meal. We have no idea where she learned that. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2013 06:02 - Norway

Today, during a job interview, I was offered a sandwich. I politely declined, explaining that I'm a coeliac and would probably get very sick. He said coeliac disease "isn't real" and that gluten-free eating is just a fad. I had to leave when he kept pushing me to accept it. FML

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By smth - 6/7/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By HotAsTits - 20/3/2011 20:31 - United States

Ah, young love…

Today, my parents thought it would be appropriate to tell my girlfriend that I used to stick my penis in a sock puppet and talk to it when I was younger. FML

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By yourclotheslookgay - 25/3/2016 16:00 - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my mum visited. Even though I live under my own roof now, I caught her continuing her old habit of throwing out any clothes she thinks make me look "gay". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2018 19:00

Today, my wife sent me a text expressing her "love and thinking to the future with you, Chad". Too bad my name isn't Chad. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 02:55 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for a familiar reason; I apparently have night terrors that make me "Impossible to sleep in the same room with." I don't ever remember these dreams. Every other girlfriend I've had has ended up breaking things off with me for the same reason. FML

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By VacationRuined - 16/6/2013 23:22 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I left for a one and a half month trip to Japan with my boyfriend. He promptly broke up with me the first night in the hotel. When asked why he couldn't have waited until the trip was over, he said he didn't want to create "false memories". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 06:24 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. After writing the ticket, he asked me why I was wearing a surgical mask. I told him that swine flu was found in our area and I was scared. He thought that I was insulting him and wrote me another ticket. FML

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By bigbum - 4/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

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By Sorry Not Sorry - 1/11/2016 14:01

Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

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Top comments

By distortedcognition | 17

#7853232 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 1:58

They aren’t called “edible panties” for nothing!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7853211 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 0:16

You are a bitch! He could make a nice meal of returned dildos and butt plugs and half-used tubes of lube.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7853211 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 0:16

You are a bitch! He could make a nice meal of returned dildos and butt plugs and half-used tubes of lube.

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7853222 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 1:15

at the very least, he could sell them for drug... I mean food money.

Reply

RichardPencil | 28

#7853227 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 1:23

Or he could open up a second-hand sex toy store. The names for such a store boggle the mind.

Sloppy Seconds.

Fuck It Again Sports

Save a Buttload!

Reply

gain | 5

#7853490 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 20:01

that's disgusting

By E2dav | 5

#7853224 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 1:19

you're not a bitch hun, who cares what he thinks anyway

By distortedcognition | 17

#7853232 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 1:58

They aren’t called “edible panties” for nothing!

By Wadlaen | 18

#7853337 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 8:29

...who knows what he was hungry for?😕

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7853519 - Wednesday 23 October 2019 21:49

The homeless man must really want to eat a strap on

By julfunky | 29

#7853582 - Thursday 24 October 2019 4:29

As long as he isn’t making a mess let him dive. He needs some material for his spank bank and clearly he doesn’t have a lot of options.

By Isaac Shields | 7

#7853603 - Thursday 24 October 2019 6:52

it's trash that you don't want so why stop him from having it