By I'll Make You FartCum - 2/1/2015 21:53 - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

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Intimacy

No one likes a smart-ass

Yappy neighborhood

The student becomes the master

By hickey - 5/2/2010 10:35 - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2010 21:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

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By mjbx - 1/1/2012 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to write a romantic email to my boyfriend describing how much I love and miss him. An hour later, I got an email back saying, "I think we need to discuss this." It seems I sent it to my teacher by mistake. FML

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By cassidy_smith12 - 24/8/2013 14:55 - United States - Medina

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped - 7/4/2020 05:00

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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1932

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By Sassers - 3/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By Trooper - 15/6/2016 00:19 - United Kingdom - Caterham

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

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By stupidquestionsstupidpeople - 30/4/2013 03:32 - United States - Chicago Heights

Today, I met one of my favorite web-comic artists. As I purchased a shirt from their booth he asked, "What size?" I stupidly asked "How big is a small?" He chuckled, "It's small" and chuckled some more. So much for keeping it cool. FML

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By dinosawerr - 5/5/2009 12:42 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By children ain't pawns - 21/11/2016 15:23 - Australia - Perth

Today, after discussing having our son's hair styled nicely for school, my ex returns him with his head shaved. I didn't realise bald was in style for 4-year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 14:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

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By Boyufd - 9/9/2018 03:30

Today, knowing that I have severe arachnophobia, my brother brought over his friend's tarantula. One hour later, the spider got loose. It's been 5 hours and I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

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By padthaimeanoose - 19/7/2015 03:29 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I went on my first date in 6 months, to a Thai restaurant. We both got food poisoning and spent the entire evening alternately running to the bathroom while pretending that we were fine. FML

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By wipeoffincircles - 27/5/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

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By horrible daughter - 24/8/2013 10:23 - United States - Santee

Today, I was feeling guilty about an argument I had with my mother right before she left to go shopping. When she got back, I ran to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Unfortunately, in the process, I knocked over and broke her new $200 vase. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend, who I have been trying to get back together with, texted me. He asked me how life was going, he then asked me if I had the naked picture of him saved on my phone. I asked him why. He replied that he wanted to send it to his crush. FML

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By Former Drummer - 3/6/2012 21:23 - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was diagnosed with migraines. Any loud sounds or bright lights make it worse. I'm the drummer for a heavy metal band, so I now have to choose between really bad migraines or a career. FML

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By heatproblems - 19/12/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I can't get my heat to turn off. It is currently 87 degrees Fahrenheit in my house, and my heat is running non-stop. It's about 20 degrees outside with over a foot of snow on the ground, so a repairman can't come out to fix it. My electricity bill will be about $1000. FML

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By steph - 1/6/2009 04:50 - Canada

Today, I was in the park for a walk when a ball rolled to my feet. Figuring it belonged to the kids not far off, I wound back and kicked. The ball had actually been kicked by someone else for their dog to chase and I ended up punting it in the head. FML

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By brizzle - 5/4/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, my parents came home after being out of town for the weekend. I stayed home, did homework and completely cleaned the house, thinking I could earn some brownie points with them. They saw how clean the house was and accused me of covering up a party. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2019 20:05

In the zone

Today, I was flirting with a girl I like when she confessed she was into another guy. I then proceeded to wingman for that guy, telling her to take her shot with him before the chance went away. Effectively sticking myself into the friendzone. FML

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By again? - 15/3/2016 10:03 - United States - Olympia

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, I noticed that instead of looking at me, he was admiring himself in the mirror. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 17:59 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, as usual, I got to my internship early, did everything my bosses asked. At the end of the day, I was fired after 3 weeks of working unpaid overtime because they found an applicant with more experience for the job I applied to and they wanted to cut costs. FML

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By Anonameow - 26/2/2016 00:31 - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

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By explodingpupppet - 30/9/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, after a month of searching, I found a perfect apartment which I rented out for the next few months. The rent was inexpensive and the place was close to my job. Turns out, my 'perfect' new apartment overlooks a nudist community. FML

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By heartbroken - 4/12/2013 18:39 - United States - Huntington

Today, I took an exam in order to apply for a graduate program I want to get into. Last night, my boyfriend decided it was a good time to break up with me out of the blue. I broke down three times in the middle of the test, and I just barely failed it. FML

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By tired individual - 12/1/2014 11:04 - United States - Dickson

Today, trying to get some much needed rest, I heard my neighbors fighting loudly. When they finally quit, they left a DVD on, directly behind my wall: Spongebob, with the menu tune on loop. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 22:50 - France

Today, at the supermarket, my mother stopped in the middle of a lane and imitated a gorilla as a way of asking me from far away if I wanted any bananas. FML

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By Nighty-nitrogen - 10/5/2016 00:07 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was trying to sleep, when I felt someone rattling my bed from underneath. Petrified from shock, I lied there for what felt like hours, waiting for a murderer to spring out. I must've finally fallen asleep, and when I woke up in the morning, I found out it was a minor earthquake. FML

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By dharp7 - 16/11/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me. Her exact words used were "I like the idea of you, but I don't like you." I still don't know what that means. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's second grade teacher. He happens to write and throw with both hands, and wanted to share this during show and tell. Apparently, he didn't know the word for this is ambidextrous, because his teacher told me, "Your son just told the whole class that he's bisexual!" FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 04:31 - United States

Today, after getting out of the shower, I was in a good mood. So I decided to run around the house naked, then play air guitar while air drying, just for fun. My blinds were open, and the men in the Fedex truck in my front yard did have fun. FML

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By mcfaily - 27/2/2010 20:45 - Canada

Today, I arrived at work to find an email from the manager whom I had bought concert tickets from the night before. He said he had actually sold those tickets to someone else. He still expects to be paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 10:27 - United States

Today, I was informed by my next door neighbor that they heard me singing in the shower last night. I laughed and she told me that the family gathers in their upstairs room closest to my bathroom window to guess which song I'm singing. Every night. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 14:00

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 08:08

Dead wrong

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

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By unpatriotic - 4/7/2013 13:13 - United States - Eugene

Today, my manager made me remove an Eiffel Tower ornament from one of my displays. Not because it didn't look good or match the theme, but because it was "disrespectful" to have it out on the 4th of July. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 6/4/2013 14:15 - Canada - Elliot Lake

Today, I was watching a movie with my parents when a sex scene came on. As if that wasn't awkward enough, they started making out on the couch behind me. FML

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By - 25/1/2019 20:00

Today, I called 911 and got taken to hospital via ambulance after a suicide attempt. When I called my mom, the first thing she asked was, "How much is the ambulance going to cost?" FML

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By HotACE - 22/4/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

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Top comments

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6161145 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

I'm sorry your girlfriend would be so disrespectful. Things that happen in an intimate situation should remain intimate. Did you let her know it makes you uncomfortable? Communication is important in a relationship, after all. Perhaps she could convince your friends to stop. If not, they'll forget about it once it stops being entertaining. Pretend it doesn't bother you! Play along with it! That's how you shake off elementary school bullies, and they seem to be at about that level of maturity.

By LaColombianita | 26

#6161149 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

Comments

By emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161138 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161153 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:16

But make best of the situation

wvcheesehead | 13

#6161158 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:25

The Mandarin says "and you'll never hear me coming"

By PokeyPorcupine | 16

#6161139 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

That's seriously funny.! Smile and take it in stride.

desoxyn242 | 14

#6161162 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:27

I think it's a good nickname

boating_guy | 33

#6161310 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:11

It's funny, as long as it isn't you

riffehunter | 16

#6162303 - Sunday 4 January 2015 9:49

There could be worse ways to earn that nickname.

By everlastingsnow_fml | 14

#6161140 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Should have played it cool and ask her to bring you a beer right after.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6161141 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Why be embarrassed? You're a man, we both cum and fart.. Sometimes at the same time!

MidnaLink | 32

#6161184 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:58

Not that other people should know about it. Especially if it happened at an inopportune time like sex.

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6161145 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

tehdarkness | 21

#6161555 - Saturday 3 January 2015 9:25

Dude, they hadn't has sex in a month. Something's not right.

weatherxveins | 29

#6161750 - Saturday 3 January 2015 17:41

Maybe one of them has been away for work or vacation, or one of them was really sick for awhile..

homesuckfucker | 28

#6161847 - Saturday 3 January 2015 20:23

Sex is not everything in a relationship. My girlfriend and I are very much in love and don't get to have sex very often. Now, there is a possibility that OP's girlfriend is losing interest. I'm not denying that. But it's wrong to make false assumptions. There are a number of reasons why they might not have had sex, and disinterest is just one.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6162397 - Sunday 4 January 2015 12:31

Guys spill everything to their mates. It's hardly ridiculous to expect a girl to return the favour.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6162755 - Sunday 4 January 2015 21:19

I personally think what happens in the bedroom should STAY in the bedroom, unless you're fishing for someone to join in.

kirasant | 19

#6163734 - Monday 5 January 2015 17:42

"Ignore it or play along" doesn't work with elementary school bullies or male friends. This girl could well have gotten OP labeled "CumFart" for the rest of his life. I've got a friend that has been called by his embarrassing high school nickname so long it was on his wedding invitations.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6164040 - Monday 5 January 2015 23:56

We obviously keep different company. :/

enginsteve | 17

#6164546 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:53

I find it hilarious that homesuckfucker is so in touch with his inner side and is explaining the benefits of communication in a relationship.. Just go homesuckfucker.. Lmao

homesuckfucker | 28

#6164961 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 21:51

I apologize if my screen name leads you to a false conclusion regarding my personality and level of intellect.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6165742 - Wednesday 7 January 2015 14:20

Wait. My "inner side"? What the hell?

By Vickeh | 15

#6161146 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:09

I feel ya OP. Some people are just tactless...

By 19990231 | 29

#6161148 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

What happens in vagina stays in vagina.

brasiliano | 16

#6161240 - Saturday 3 January 2015 3:37

You sir just won the internet for today.

allie2590 | 30

#6161397 - Saturday 3 January 2015 6:56

Technically the fart happened outside of the vagina.

By LaColombianita | 26

#6161149 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

By NightHawk387 | 22

#6161151 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:14

I think it should be pointed out that is not what a cumfart is.

Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6161187 - Saturday 3 January 2015 2:02

Do I even want to know? Do any of us even really want to know? Still somebody will Google it. Just keep a bucket or trashcan nearby for when you Google it.