By I'll Make You FartCum - United States - San Francisco

Great handle!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41275

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Intimacy

Understandable

Season finale

Fear factor

By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21008

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16456

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By mishie1 - United States

Today, I received the first compliment from the opposite sex that I've gotten in months, from an elderly, cross-dressing man in the parking lot of Goodwill. Apparently my clothes look like they'd be "exciting to try on." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24619

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2887

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By notsurprised - United States

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37372

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3139

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By HaleyDrew08 - United States

Today, I tried giving myself a bikini wax for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I didn't do it right. Now I'm laying on my couch with a wet rag and ice inbetween my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33885

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20043

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birkenhead

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38114

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3036

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By BirthdayGirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37176

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5435

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12948

You deserved it

37045

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36091

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14457

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By AcademicAdvisor - United States - Boston

Today, a student pooped his pants in my office. I work with undergrad and graduate students. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13783

You deserved it

1111

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that scorpions can apparently hold their breath for hours, and that doing so makes them angry. I found this out when I removed a scorpion from the bottom of my pool and found that it was not entirely drowned. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28521

You deserved it

2611

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By inveralaska - United Kingdom

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11942

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2323

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By hiitisbrooke - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26786

You deserved it

4653

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By MomLovesMeLessThanTrash - United States

Today, I slipped on a plastic bag that my mom, the hoarder, was keeping on the stairs. I fell and sprained my ankle, getting rug burn in the process. Her response? Getting mad at me, putting the bag back on the stairs, then getting another to add to the pile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32038

You deserved it

2691

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By wjones - United States

Today, my family and I were decorating the Christmas tree. It seemed a bit unstable, but we decorated it without any problems. Later, while my daughter sat by the tree, it began to fall. Her grandmother stopped the tree from hitting her. I, on the other hand, screamed like a little girl. I'm a 38 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9472

You deserved it

33631

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By grosstoenail - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13214

You deserved it

947

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By suuuuuupucci - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28560

You deserved it

3413

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By itsme

Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML

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2697

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By loki - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally went to the DMV to transfer our vehicle ownership title to our names. On our way out, we joked that we were now responsible for any violations involving our car. We came back to a $35 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7936

You deserved it

23397

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By kahemae44 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

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36297

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5526

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By Anonymous - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

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28250

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4289

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in a waiting room, my 4-year-old daughter told me she saw two guys kissing. I quietly explained that some men like men, they're gay, and normal like everyone else. I was pleased with myself until the woman across from me scoffed and muttered, "Disgusting." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55345

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By MrsKSB - United States

Today, my boss was watching taser pranks online, when he said he was going to "get me". We often take turns playing pranks on each other, and I was the last to prank him. Now I'm terrified to move or turn my back on anything other than a wall at work. FML

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23248

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By Noname - France

Today, the incredibly handsome, talented, hilarious, and intelligent man that I've fallen head over heels like no other for is gay. FML

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29600

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By thyella87 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25639

You deserved it

18000

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By marisacb - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my best friend. Depressed, I started telling her about my terrible week. A woman came over and asked me to not be so "whiny and negative" in front of her children. FML

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32202

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2029

You deserved it

423

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By charlieweaver21 - France

Today, I agreed to meet my ex-girlfriend at our favorite restaurant with my hopes high. She just wanted me to meet her new boyfriend. FML

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30981

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6101

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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28009

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1817

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192

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By Username - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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8044

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25127

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By BenFiggy - United States - Brick

Today, while waiting in line with my 4-year-old son, I had to awkwardly apologize to an African-American gentleman and explain to my son that the man was not made out of chocolate. FML

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21630

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By littl3storm

Today, I was trying on bras in a shop when a little kid stuck their head under my stall. I was completely topless and completely surprised when they asked if I was their mommy. I'm 16. FML

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2189

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156

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By Travolta

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1528

You deserved it

242

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

17544

You deserved it

1941

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By Ananimus - United States - Peekskill

Today, I overheard my boyfriend of two years saying he only dates me because "sometimes jerking off just ain't good enough". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25411

You deserved it

2352

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43104

You deserved it

6224

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By fuckedbyretail - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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35243

You deserved it

2718

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By S. Tucker - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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33717

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By mimi - United States

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

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14642

You deserved it

35627

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Hmmm, twins

Today, I found out my boyfriend only dates me because I look a bit like his favourite porn star. FML

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27529

You deserved it

4114

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Top comments

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6161145 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

I'm sorry your girlfriend would be so disrespectful. Things that happen in an intimate situation should remain intimate. Did you let her know it makes you uncomfortable? Communication is important in a relationship, after all. Perhaps she could convince your friends to stop. If not, they'll forget about it once it stops being entertaining. Pretend it doesn't bother you! Play along with it! That's how you shake off elementary school bullies, and they seem to be at about that level of maturity.

By LaColombianita | 26

#6161149 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

COMMENTS

By emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161138 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

emmatheamazingx | 17

#6161153 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:16

But make best of the situation

wvcheesehead | 13

#6161158 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:25

The Mandarin says "and you'll never hear me coming"

By PokeyPorcupine | 18

#6161139 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

That's seriously funny.! Smile and take it in stride.

desoxyn242 | 14

#6161162 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:27

I think it's a good nickname

boating_guy | 33

#6161310 - Saturday 3 January 2015 5:11

It's funny, as long as it isn't you

riffehunter | 16

#6162303 - Sunday 4 January 2015 9:49

There could be worse ways to earn that nickname.

By everlastingsnow_fml | 14

#6161140 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Should have played it cool and ask her to bring you a beer right after.

By Nolimit2217 | 32

#6161141 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Why be embarrassed? You're a man, we both cum and fart.. Sometimes at the same time!

MidnaLink | 32

#6161184 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:58

Not that other people should know about it. Especially if it happened at an inopportune time like sex.

By homesuckfucker | 28

#6161145 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

tehdarkness | 21

#6161555 - Saturday 3 January 2015 9:25

Dude, they hadn't has sex in a month. Something's not right.

weatherxveins | 29

#6161750 - Saturday 3 January 2015 17:41

Maybe one of them has been away for work or vacation, or one of them was really sick for awhile..

homesuckfucker | 28

#6161847 - Saturday 3 January 2015 20:23

Sex is not everything in a relationship. My girlfriend and I are very much in love and don't get to have sex very often. Now, there is a possibility that OP's girlfriend is losing interest. I'm not denying that. But it's wrong to make false assumptions. There are a number of reasons why they might not have had sex, and disinterest is just one.

Vegetarian27 | 24

#6162397 - Sunday 4 January 2015 12:31

Guys spill everything to their mates. It's hardly ridiculous to expect a girl to return the favour.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6162755 - Sunday 4 January 2015 21:19

I personally think what happens in the bedroom should STAY in the bedroom, unless you're fishing for someone to join in.

kirasant | 19

#6163734 - Monday 5 January 2015 17:42

"Ignore it or play along" doesn't work with elementary school bullies or male friends. This girl could well have gotten OP labeled "CumFart" for the rest of his life. I've got a friend that has been called by his embarrassing high school nickname so long it was on his wedding invitations.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6164040 - Monday 5 January 2015 23:56

We obviously keep different company. :/

enginsteve | 17

#6164546 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:53

I find it hilarious that homesuckfucker is so in touch with his inner side and is explaining the benefits of communication in a relationship.. Just go homesuckfucker.. Lmao

homesuckfucker | 28

#6164961 - Tuesday 6 January 2015 21:51

I apologize if my screen name leads you to a false conclusion regarding my personality and level of intellect.

homesuckfucker | 28

#6165742 - Wednesday 7 January 2015 14:20

Wait. My "inner side"? What the hell?

By Vickeh | 15

#6161146 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:09

I feel ya OP. Some people are just tactless...

By 19990231 | 29

#6161148 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

What happens in vagina stays in vagina.

brasiliano | 16

#6161240 - Saturday 3 January 2015 3:37

You sir just won the internet for today.

allie2590 | 30

#6161397 - Saturday 3 January 2015 6:56

Technically the fart happened outside of the vagina.

By LaColombianita | 26

#6161149 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

By NightHawk387 | 22

#6161151 - Saturday 3 January 2015 1:14

I think it should be pointed out that is not what a cumfart is.

Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6161187 - Saturday 3 January 2015 2:02

Do I even want to know? Do any of us even really want to know? Still somebody will Google it. Just keep a bucket or trashcan nearby for when you Google it.