Intimacy: Great handle! - FML

Great handle!

By I'll Make You FartCum - 02/01/2015 21:53 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 308

You deserved it 9 090

Good kid

Dysfunctional

Are you sure you're OK?

20/12/2012 08:16

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 642

You deserved it 4 748

08/08/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my dad said he can't go to my graduation because he has to work. He got fired a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 189

You deserved it 2 687

02/10/2010 22:07 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my car from where I parked it last night. I walked over to my parking spot only to find a vegetable stand there in its place. Apparently, that's the location of the Saturday Market and they had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 852

You deserved it 25 540

11/07/2009 13:14 - United States

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 086

You deserved it 5 124

04/06/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 272

You deserved it 6 531

Boozehound

By sad fat drunk - 25/05/2020 05:00

Today, I realized that my one and only motivation to lose weight was the fact that it would take less alcohol to get me blitzed if I didn’t weigh as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 425

03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 793

You deserved it 5 310

01/08/2011 12:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my mom washing the dishes completely naked. Sadly, I was more surprised by the fact she was doing the dishes than the fact that that she was strutting about in her birthday suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 418

You deserved it 3 144

30/06/2014 21:06 - United States - Rockport

Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 635

You deserved it 4 388

10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 520

You deserved it 13 347

04/10/2017 01:30

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 122

You deserved it 376

Kids talk

By SerenityJ - 27/09/2013 20:00 - United States - Mountain View

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 919

You deserved it 7 117

01/05/2011 18:49 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up at 4:40AM and went to the kitchen. My brother and his steel-capped boots easily found me in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 954

You deserved it 3 833

17/09/2016 04:15 - United States - Dixon

Today, it was my 21st birthday and I invited a handful of my best friends over. They all stood me up and I drank alone in my apartment. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 450

You deserved it 1 225

08/06/2012 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 436

You deserved it 5 644

06/05/2019 22:00

Today, at work, I had to explain to a 50-year-old engineer that Comic Sans is not an acceptable font for a government contractor to use in a structural report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 164

10/05/2013 08:24 - United States

Today, a client refused to pay after I mowed her lawn. Her reasoning? I had entered her basement "without permission." I require on-site equipment be provided, and she kept her mower in her basement. I only knew it was in the basement because she'd showed me, and told me where the key was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 540

You deserved it 3 506

16/11/2013 01:15 - India - Ahmedabad

Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 673

You deserved it 6 313

It's mine now

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 20:00

Today, my best friend's boyfriend stole her car, so now she wants my car, the one that I just bought from her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 549

You deserved it 129

28/09/2014 17:12 - Canada - Brockville

Today, I realized the sweet, sensitive girl I was talking to on a dating site was actually my brother trolling me for fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 552

You deserved it 6 154

NO SNACKS

By face - 25/03/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 122

You deserved it 10 660

22/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 352

You deserved it 5 396

03/04/2011 17:31 - United States

Today, sun was shining and I felt confident enough to go sunbathing at the beach. In only my bikini and towel, I laid out to get some sun. A while later, a little girl came up to me and said, "Aren't you embarrassed that you're so huge?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 444

You deserved it 11 217

25/12/2010 05:29 - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 487

You deserved it 42 476

09/11/2009 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 901

You deserved it 3 107

14/01/2012 13:34 - United States

Today, I had a band concert and my mum got kicked out. She screamed "BORING!" in the middle of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 080

You deserved it 3 440

08/02/2017 10:00 - United States - Warren

Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 317

You deserved it 1 231

01/03/2009 08:14 - Hong Kong

Today, I found out I could not go to the Philippines because I have never had Chicken Pox. The school took the radical decision to prohibit students who have never had Chicken Pox to leave the college. I am condemned to stay in Hong Kong in some shitty project because I am a healthy young man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 984

You deserved it 4 445

12/12/2016 04:33 - United States - Yuma

Today, after buying hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents, my transmission blew up on the interstate heading home. Now, I either have to return the gifts or not drive over 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 239

You deserved it 957

02/02/2012 08:10 - China

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 032

You deserved it 44 428

05/04/2018 19:00

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 194

You deserved it 292

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 13/06/2020 08:08

Today, a salesman came to the door and I assumed the guy was peddling solar stuff. Before the poor guy had a chance to say anything, I blurted out, "We don't need any, we only spend $80 on electricity in the summer." He pointed to his shirt and replied, "I'm an exterminator." I then tried to awkwardly apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 1 573

15/07/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to shower, his mother slams a pair of underwear on the table and tells me that if she ever finds something like that in her son's room again, she is forbidding him from seeing me. The underwear isn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 660

You deserved it 2 608

Where am I?

By Morgan Jones - 18/06/2019 20:08

Today, I went to work at my new job, where I thought it would be super easy because I shop there all the time, and already know where everything is. Turns out, they're remodelling the store, so I don't know where anything is anymore, and the bosses get mad at me for being too slow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 394

18/03/2012 00:48 - United States - Miami

Today, a little girl looked at me and yelled "Mommy look, there's a real leprechaun!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 810

You deserved it 2 860

Unhealthy relationship

By Lance from the Serfs is a snacc - 03/05/2021 00:30

Today, I had to admit that I'm polyamorous. Well, I'm in several relationships. Parasocial relationships. With YouTubers and Twitch streamers. I talk to them through the screen. I can't remember what it's like to have real-life friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 932

12/09/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I filled out an application at WalMart after being unable to find a job in three months. I just graduated from law school. With honors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 546

You deserved it 5 107

Bittersweet

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 05:58

Today, I, a woman, realized that only women find me attractive, which is fine, except that I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 819

You deserved it 71

24/10/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 519

You deserved it 6 981

09/04/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 813

You deserved it 11 432

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Top comments

homesuckfucker 28

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

I'm sorry your girlfriend would be so disrespectful. Things that happen in an intimate situation should remain intimate. Did you let her know it makes you uncomfortable? Communication is important in a relationship, after all. Perhaps she could convince your friends to stop. If not, they'll forget about it once it stops being entertaining. Pretend it doesn't bother you! Play along with it! That's how you shake off elementary school bullies, and they seem to be at about that level of maturity.

LaColombianita 26

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

Comments

emmatheamazingx 17

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

emmatheamazingx 17

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:16

But make best of the situation

wvcheesehead 13

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:25

The Mandarin says "and you'll never hear me coming"

PokeyPorcupine 18

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

That's seriously funny.! Smile and take it in stride.

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:27

I think it's a good nickname

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:11

It's funny, as long as it isn't you

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Sunday 4 January 2015 9:49

There could be worse ways to earn that nickname.

everlastingsnow_fml 14

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Should have played it cool and ask her to bring you a beer right after.

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:04

Why be embarrassed? You're a man, we both cum and fart.. Sometimes at the same time!

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:58

Not that other people should know about it. Especially if it happened at an inopportune time like sex.

homesuckfucker 28

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:06

I'm sorry your girlfriend would be so disrespectful. Things that happen in an intimate situation should remain intimate. Did you let her know it makes you uncomfortable? Communication is important in a relationship, after all. Perhaps she could convince your friends to stop. If not, they'll forget about it once it stops being entertaining. Pretend it doesn't bother you! Play along with it! That's how you shake off elementary school bullies, and they seem to be at about that level of maturity.

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Saturday 3 January 2015 9:25

Dude, they hadn't has sex in a month. Something's not right.

weatherxveins 29

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Saturday 3 January 2015 17:41

Maybe one of them has been away for work or vacation, or one of them was really sick for awhile..

homesuckfucker 28

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Saturday 3 January 2015 20:23

Sex is not everything in a relationship. My girlfriend and I are very much in love and don't get to have sex very often. Now, there is a possibility that OP's girlfriend is losing interest. I'm not denying that. But it's wrong to make false assumptions. There are a number of reasons why they might not have had sex, and disinterest is just one.

Vegetarian27 24

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Sunday 4 January 2015 12:31

Guys spill everything to their mates. It's hardly ridiculous to expect a girl to return the favour.

homesuckfucker 28

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Sunday 4 January 2015 21:19

I personally think what happens in the bedroom should STAY in the bedroom, unless you're fishing for someone to join in.

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Monday 5 January 2015 17:42

"Ignore it or play along" doesn't work with elementary school bullies or male friends. This girl could well have gotten OP labeled "CumFart" for the rest of his life. I've got a friend that has been called by his embarrassing high school nickname so long it was on his wedding invitations.

homesuckfucker 28

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Monday 5 January 2015 23:56

We obviously keep different company. :/

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 11:53

I find it hilarious that homesuckfucker is so in touch with his inner side and is explaining the benefits of communication in a relationship.. Just go homesuckfucker.. Lmao

homesuckfucker 28

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 21:51

I apologize if my screen name leads you to a false conclusion regarding my personality and level of intellect.

homesuckfucker 28

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Wednesday 7 January 2015 14:20

Wait. My "inner side"? What the hell?

Vickeh 15

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:09

I feel ya OP. Some people are just tactless...

19990231 29

Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

What happens in vagina stays in vagina.

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Saturday 3 January 2015 3:37

You sir just won the internet for today.

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Saturday 3 January 2015 6:56

Technically the fart happened outside of the vagina.

LaColombianita 26

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:10

Lmao that's hilarious, but I definitely would have kept that as an inside joke between the 2 of you only..

NightHawk387 22

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:14

I think it should be pointed out that is not what a cumfart is.

Exodiafinder687 58

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Saturday 3 January 2015 2:02

Do I even want to know? Do any of us even really want to know? Still somebody will Google it. Just keep a bucket or trashcan nearby for when you Google it.

krystenk93 23

Saturday 3 January 2015 5:08

#22, There is always Urban Dictionary for stuff like this!

ChevyLovzYou2 21

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Saturday 3 January 2015 5:21

It's when after a guy shoots his load into a girl's butt, she farts the semen out... gross right?

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 3 January 2015 22:30

You just HAD to go and share that, didn't you #48. I WAS enjoying my breakfast....

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Sunday 4 January 2015 9:50

71 extra glaze for those cinnamon rolls?

cdncw 20

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Thursday 23 April 2015 17:39

Someone had to explain it! :D

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Saturday 3 January 2015 1:14

Blew two loads.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 27

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 454