Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
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Top comments
Britttx26 0
You got yourself a winnnner!:)
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
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Comments (399)
danv79_fml 0
thats a keeper! lol
booger77 0
Dude what are you complaining about. If she can say that to you she us comfortable with you sounds like a keeper to me.
Levvy 22
So. Um. I'm pretty sure the OP's complaint is her being crude and immature, not her defecating. Are you just hair-trigger hypersensitive on this issue and prone to bursting into soliloquy whenever something broadly related to the topic comes up, did you misunderstand, or are you trying to defend boasting about taking a dump?
gdawg1300 0
LOL. She's definitely a keeper.
Ghostsofascalon 4
Classy…
Perc_fml 2
This girl is f***ing awesome. Give her some love buddy!
TheTerenity 9
Shame! Abortions are wrong! (random guy whispers in my ear) Oh, never mind!!!
ohthestupidity 4
to 16 and 44... what do you do in there? you bombing the toilet every time that you feel it's necessary to provide additional noise to cover up yours? And 16, god knows what goes on in your husbands head every time he hears the water running " oh shit"
Rasetsu 10
EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW
cinder2theblock 0
She's a total keeper
hoonyer 17
thats just nassstttyyyyyyyy. . . so are you guys planning on keeping it?