Miscellaneous: Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her...

By notlaughing - 18/04/2013 13:57 - United States - College Park

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 062

You deserved it 7 275

Miscellaneous

Stop talking!

Mother of the year

The smell detective is on the case

Shifting

By Anonymous - 02/08/2021 14:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Today, my mom is trying to be quiet, thinking me asleep. This means she will whisper to the dogs in the upstairs hallway, then quietly go downstairs where she will bang the doors so hard the house shakes. Apparently, she thinks each floor is in its own separate dimension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 70

Thanks dad…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 566

You deserved it 2 590

By RetailJocky - 15/08/2017 13:00

Today, at work, a bag of driveway repair tar split and spilled in my arms and hands. Not only does it stain and pull out any arm hair it touches, the stains also look like I was playing in dog poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 337

You deserved it 277

By Veronica Rambo - 24/10/2018 17:30

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 376

You deserved it 688

By dab1230 - 07/02/2013 00:26 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 710

You deserved it 42 509

By Me - 07/03/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I had to use the restroom while at work. I had the choice of the stall with a broken lock, or the stall with a huge crack in the partition wall. Not two minutes after I sat down, I noticed someone peeking in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 459

You deserved it 2 586

By totallyscrewedomg - 25/01/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 344

You deserved it 12 397

C'mon Kids

By Anonymous - 13/12/2021 23:01

Today, my fiancé walked out on me saying he loved me dearly, but not enough to continue parenting my three kids from my previous marriage because they hate him, he now hates them, and they’re not his problem to continue dealing with. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 604

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 21:26 - United States - Depew

Today, I parked my car in the company lot and walked down the street to a mandatory company training. While I was at the training, everyone back at the office decided to leave early and locked the company lot. My car is now stuck there for the night and I'm walking home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 852

You deserved it 1 521

By Suomynona - 12/07/2013 20:40 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, I felt lousy and decided to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror. After a while, I cheered up and went about my day. I soon found out that my sister had recorded me through the crack of my door and posted the video on Facebook. I'm humiliated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 005

You deserved it 6 792

By Monkey253100 - 03/06/2012 14:47 - France

Today, I decided to be healthy and go for a run. I broke my ankle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 333

You deserved it 4 083

Nice guy

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 11:00

Today, I found out that I need a hysterectomy. When I told my boyfriend of 2 years, he broke up with me, because he didn't have time to "coddle my feelings". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 62

By silkytaco - 17/02/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 119

You deserved it 44 423

By Tuture - 30/04/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 548

You deserved it 2 514

Happy Birthday

By Anonymous - 24/05/2021 08:01 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, it's my birthday. My boss's birthday is 5 days away. Instead of wishing me happy birthday, the staff decided to surprise my boss with an early gift. We also had to take a picture of him with everyone. I work at another branch alone, and had to post the picture to social media. Happy Birthday to me, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 81

By pancakessdsjsn - 27/09/2013 06:04 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 402

You deserved it 3 093

Don't go to Sunn O))) concerts, kids

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 12:01 - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, my doctor told me that the intense, non stop ringing in my ears, which started suddenly at the beginning of the year, has no cure, no treatment options, and I just need to learn to live with it. I have severe auditory sensory issues, and have barely been getting by. I don't know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, it was easter and I thought it might be fun to look for eggs with my little brother. My parents told me to take the ones in the higher places that my brother couldn't reach. All of his eggs were filled with candy or money. Each one of mine had a note saying 'maybe when you lose weight'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 756

You deserved it 9 539

By Username - 03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 764

You deserved it 10 651

By Anonymous - 21/02/2014 02:46 - United States - Glasford

Today, at my therapy appointment, I was spilling my guts to my therapist. When I'd finished, to get rid of the awkward silence, I asked, "I'm not crazy, right?" His response was, "That's bit of a loaded question." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 113

You deserved it 5 906

By fmltom - 16/12/2015 02:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my coworker, who has a tendency to overshare, decided to tell me she has chlamydia. I threw my hands in the air and said, "Stop. I don't wanna know." A customer heard this exchange and we were both written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 684

You deserved it 1 652

By toolateabuckshort - 02/06/2017 12:11

I agree, your life sucks 3 254

You deserved it 1 856

By brigie - 01/05/2013 08:21 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my boyfriend of two and a half years left me. To clear my head I decided to go for a drive. My car broke down on the way. The only mechanic I have ever used and trusted with my car is my boyfriend. Yes, I had to call him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 462

You deserved it 8 125

Crossword anxiety

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 18:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I've been so anxious that I downloaded a crossword app to try to focus. You get stars whenever you complete a puzzle, either 1, 2, or 3. I'm now up to 400 stars and placed first in a competition I didn't even know I was participating in. I'm still anxious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861

You deserved it 145

Someone's getting coal from Santa...

By Anonymous - 15/12/2017 15:00

Today, my nephew stabbed me in the knee with a colouring pencil. The hospital says he ripped a hole in a tendon and I need surgery to fix it or one day it'll snap. I’ll have a limp for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 872

You deserved it 269

By Motionless - 26/05/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 936

You deserved it 23 704

By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/03/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 642

You deserved it 4 049

Can't handle it

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 14:01 - Germany

Today, I feel hung over. Don’t feel up to anything except slouching on the sofa, nursing my headache. Must have been one hell of a party, lots of booze, right? Actually, all I did was go to bed at 11:30 last night, instead of my usual 8.30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 131

By bballer4_life - 14/12/2016 23:22 - United States - Erie

Today, I made dozens of cookies just in time for Christmas. When I went to take out the last pan from the oven, I slipped. In a desperate attempt to catch the pan I grabbed it with my bare hand. My hand is striped like a candy cane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 843

You deserved it 878

What? It's just helpful advice because we know better.

By Moimoi78 - 01/02/2017 05:00 - Australia - Eatons Hill

Today, I introduced the concept of 'mansplaining' to my husband. Ever since, he's been deliberately mansplaining every single thing to me. All. The. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 129

You deserved it 5 078

By Anonymous - 15/09/2011 20:03 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 610

You deserved it 6 062

Triple Dog Dare

By MiserableGradStudent - 11/12/2017 01:30

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 828

You deserved it 348

Revenge!

By princess98 - 18/11/2019 05:00

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 083

You deserved it 783

By scorned_jacketless_lady - 26/08/2013 04:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 259

You deserved it 16 546

By jamongrande - 17/04/2015 15:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 968

You deserved it 4 343

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 09:29 - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 312

You deserved it 36 728

FIFA 2020

By kicking with love - 06/03/2020 21:10

Today, I was standing next to the girl I like while she was looking at her phone. She dropped it and I tried to save it by catching it with my foot. I ended up kicking it across the room, cracking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 651

Noise machine

By achtung - 01/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 077

You deserved it 5 742

By Anonymous - 19/05/2016 13:48 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 722

You deserved it 1 348

By Anonymous - 07/06/2019 14:03

Today, I got fired from my job. My boss is my brother. His reason being that, "it would create awkward tension between us." I've been working for him for 5 years, and it's like he's only just realised that I was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 668

You deserved it 105

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

mizzdavis 8

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:48

As someone who regularly chokes on their own saliva, I feel your pain. FYL

tommyfox 19

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:49

Don't get all choked up over this, OP. Things will get better soon.

mizzdavis 8

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:48

As someone who regularly chokes on their own saliva, I feel your pain. FYL

Bloodjoker 11

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 19:11

Ask her to teach you how to "swallow" :-P

s0m3guy2010 21

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 19:49

18- But first you have to ask yourself, "Is the swallow African or European?"

Gunnie 24

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 21:00

Monty Python and the Holy Grail!!!!!

doodlecloud 26

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 23:31

I was going to comment 'how does this even happen?!' Didn't expect the first comment to be someone who does that too....so....how DOES that even happen?

xXHollowIchigoXx 17

Send a private message

Friday 19 April 2013 4:39

#37 As you breathe your mind decides to be an ass and swallows. This causes your saliva (or any other liquid) to go down the wrong pipe. It's kinda painful, and happens ALOT to me. Coughing is uncontrollable.

TogeBara 12

Send a private message

Saturday 15 June 2013 2:05

what are you, a turkey?

bReLiNg 18

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:49

Just explain it to her. She might understand.

thresh037 4

Send a private message

Friday 19 April 2013 3:21

She'd laugh at him for choking on saliva

BellaBelle_fml 23

Send a private message

Friday 19 April 2013 4:33

Yea, she might give it a little chuckle. It is fairly humourous to see happen to someone else because you can make some silly faces and noises when it does happen. But I don't think she would necessarily be laughing at him, or teasing him that much, over something so mundane.

tommyfox 19

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:49

Don't get all choked up over this, OP. Things will get better soon.

Snowkeys 11

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:51

How can a choking sound be mistaken for laughter?

Bakarra 22

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:56

Probably that split second throat sound you make can be interpreted as a snort. I bet that's what happened.

MuseFan1991 14

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 19:45

i hate it when this happens :/ it always happens when im in the middle of serving customers at work so i look like a goon.

mellingeramber 13

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 20:49

Or she may have thought that he was trying to contain laughter when he was just choking.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

No problem, she's moving across the state. LDRs never work, even if they are just friendships. Try to swallow your saliva successfully when around your local friends.

ballerdudeee 4

Send a private message

Friday 19 April 2013 5:05

My ldr works perfectly fine

gntfmlingnow 12

Send a private message

Friday 19 April 2013 17:11

While I can see your point, LDRs can work. That's up to them to decide if they want to try it. Hell, for all we know they live in a state like Massachusetts where "halfway across the state" is an hour away at most.

Bakarra 22

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:52

Just face it OP, you really choked on this one, but don't get all choked up about it, hopefully you'll get a chance to explain yourself.

tommyfox 19

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:54

Just posted this joke before you did. Great minds think alike though.

Bakarra 22

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 19:04

I'm in a bad reception area so updating is slow my bad haha

Squirrel1256 15

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:55

She sounds like a very volatile person anyway, don't be too hard on yourself OP.

anythingmustbe 18

Send a private message

Thursday 18 April 2013 18:58

There once was a girl named Kelane, This girl she knew was in pain, She choked on her saliva, The girl thought it was laughter, Although she didn't, she couldn't convince, And thus they have not spoken since.