Family Matters

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

Today, I had to get my boyfriend's mom to help me get my boyfriend in his house because he was so drunk. He broke up with me for getting him in trouble. FML

Jailbird

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

Sneaky

Today, I caught my dad stealing my money again, after I'd warned him he was on his last chance. I threw him out, since he’s been sleeping rough on my sofa. He reported me to the authorities for "elder abuse" and showed them fresh bruises I know the conniving old bastard gave himself. I was handcuffed. FML

Today, my dad called for the first time in six months. He needs someone to bail him out of jail. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

Fun for all the family

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

Today, I bailed my brother out of jail for violating a restraining order filed against him by his ex. I dropped him off at the place he told me he was staying at. Turned out it was his ex's house, and now he's in jail again. FML