Transportation: False alarm

False alarm

By sillyrabbit - 24/02/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, after I had filled up my car and got into it I saw a cute guy running towards me. I flashed a smile and left the door open and said, "Hey" when he was next to me. He said, "The pump is still attached to your car, you really should be more careful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 380

You deserved it 46 507

Transportation

Vulture

One-sided

Teamwork works

By TrailerTrash - 20/03/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 380

You deserved it 4 683

By Noname - 09/03/2009 17:04 - Canada

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 082

You deserved it 8 642

By anonymous - 25/02/2016 21:55 - United States

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 846

You deserved it 2 405

By tagteam - 05/07/2012 16:30 - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 408

You deserved it 2 749

By Anonymous - 29/07/2014 18:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why nobody likes me. She reeled off about a dozen reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 991

You deserved it 9 958

By ewwww - 30/01/2017 03:00 - United States - Monroe

Today, I went to the doctor for the constant pain I have when eating savory or sour foods. It turns out I have a stone in my saliva gland, and no joke, the only thing I can do to fix it is eat savory or sour food to make me drool enough to force it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 658

You deserved it 408

Compassionate man

By bnaz - 30/10/2020 17:01

Today, my father told me I'm a lazy, pathetic waste. I work and have a one-year-old. Apparently, if you're trying to catch up on sleep, you're lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 72

By awesomekidsmum - 18/09/2011 01:20 - Canada

Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 700

You deserved it 9 103

By wtfdaughter - 03/02/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 461

You deserved it 4 812

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 171

You deserved it 33 054

By back to cock-hunting - 15/11/2014 19:58 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 010

You deserved it 5 000

By Benjamin - 25/01/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, a coworker thought it would be funny to put a tack on my chair. When I sat down, it went directly into my butt. When I sprang up, I hit my head on a lamp. I then hit my head on my desk on the way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 718

You deserved it 3 029

By whoriblemomindeed - 20/06/2013 16:02 - United States - Celeste

Today, in a fit of paranoid hysteria, my mom threw out my phone, claiming the NSA can look through the camera to spy on me. I guess that's why you're still using your own phone to sext your latest boyfriend, eh mom? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 074

You deserved it 2 998

By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 985

You deserved it 2 507

By Forded - 01/09/2010 23:11 - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 844

You deserved it 3 666

Get the message

By Confession - 16/05/2016 02:07 - Belgium

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 277

You deserved it 3 841

Helicopter parents

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 16:01

Today, my wife finally let our kids stay the night at my mom's house, meaning we had our first night totally alone together in 6 years. She spent all night texting my mom for updates on the kids or on the phone to her sister, so I watched a film by myself then went to bed bored at 8:15 p.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 219

You deserved it 128

By spandex - 24/03/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I had to perform a skit in my class in which I have to wear tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt like I had done a good job. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 322

You deserved it 11 894

Banana bread?

By Sarah - 11/09/2021 05:01 - United States - San Diego

Today, I ordered 3 bananas on Instacart, but actually received 3 overripe bunches of bananas. I don’t know what to do with 18 bananas before they all rot by tomorrow night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 181

Sorry mate, you're on your own

By LivingBroke - 21/08/2017 20:01

Today, I signed the lease for a flat that a mate and I decided to move into. About five minutes after leaving the renting agency, I received a text from my mate saying he couldn't move in with me after all. I am now the happy tenant of a large inner city flat that I can't afford. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 104

You deserved it 460

By jamongrande - 17/04/2015 15:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate and I are so broke, we resorted to going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting just for the refreshments. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 964

You deserved it 4 342

By Thomas - 11/11/2013 17:20 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 339

You deserved it 7 580

Failing upwards

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 478

By karma1221 - 11/08/2018 14:30

Today, I got home early from work at 2am to find my girlfriend of 5 years missing. Upon further inspection, I caught the "other man" dropping her off out front. So much for the engagement ring I bought for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 377

You deserved it 188

Don't stop now!

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 03:01 - Lithuania - Klaipeda

Today, as usual during sex, my boyfriend finished first, and then he "massaged" me so I could finish too. While he was doing that, his grandma called. He actually answered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 166

You deserved it 151

Anaconda

By lizbeth - 23/05/2021 04:01

Today, I took a massive shit and flushed the toilet, but it apparently didn’t flush properly. My mom then entered the bathroom, took a picture of my shit, and showed it to everyone she knows. She doesn’t understand why I’m embarrassed, and thinks that I should instead "take pride" in my giant poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 187

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, it's my girlfriend's birthday. I presented her with an oil painting of her that I'd been working on for over a month, and she started to cry. I thought it was because she liked it, until she asked if she really looks that ugly and disproportionate in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 924

You deserved it 3 849

By Anonymous - 10/09/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 831

You deserved it 4 607

By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 03:10 - Canada

Today, my dad offered to pay me $40 to wash his car. Needing money to buy a video game, I agreed, and went out in the freezing weather to do the job. I finished the task, only to be paid in Monopoly money. My dad still hasn't gotten over how "funny" his prank was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 095

You deserved it 3 893

By SplashOuch - 05/01/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 890

You deserved it 7 151

Alexa, play "Isolation" by Joy Division

By Anonymous - 06/11/2020 22:56 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I jokingly said to my coworker, "God, what I wouldn't do for a week off work." I was then tested positive for COVID fifteen minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 427

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

By faul - 26/09/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, a lady told me I looked like Paul McCartney in his youth. With that little confidence boost, I told my girlfriend. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that she didn't know who Paul McCartney is, or how she is now obsessively Googling pictures of him and is practically drooling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 149

By Spinster - 30/09/2015 05:26 - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 146

You deserved it 2 406

By Username - 17/03/2011 04:04

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 759

You deserved it 5 223

Broke

By PinChi - 31/08/2021 21:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, I found out that my wife's OnlyFans account is the only thing keeping us solvent. Also, that my wife has an OnlyFans account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 200

By 99520 - 28/07/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 331

You deserved it 7 432

By Teeny - 09/03/2010 21:13 - United States

Today, I was using my fiancé's phone to look up movie times for us. In the internet browser, I found history of him looking on Craigslist for "discreet intimate relationships with women" in our city. We are expecting our little boy in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 958

You deserved it 3 436

By Omydayz - 29/03/2016 23:03 - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 550

You deserved it 1 901

By youlyingjerk - 01/02/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, I slipped on my icy front porch, fell back and hit my head on the step. I tried to get up, but lost my balance and fell halfway into the bush next to the steps. I then looked up to see my very hot, British, Ex-Special Forces next door neighbor laughing so hard he dropped his snow shovel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 491

You deserved it 3 469

By Cat - 12/04/2019 19:00 - Greece - Athens

Today, I was Whatsapping my boyfriend, as I am away for work. Before talking to him, I texted my work group I wasn’t feeling well after they invited me out. As I was chatting with what I thought was my boyfriend, I said, “I want your penis inside me.” And then realized I'd texted my work group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 3 335

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Top comments

Bauer_fml 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 9:06

Smoooooooooth. (Dear FML members, I know there's a pun somewhere in this FML. Find it.)

Chiroptera_Man 10

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Monday 14 October 2013 20:13

He must have not been too hot, or else this could have been a very flammable situation! :D 'Cause of the gas... and... hot.. fire... stuff. c:

Bauer_fml 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 9:06

Smoooooooooth. (Dear FML members, I know there's a pun somewhere in this FML. Find it.)

Killuhk 8

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 9:45

Trix are for kids?

capslockisgood 19

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Friday 19 October 2012 3:26

42 - Not a pun but good enough!

Chiroptera_Man 10

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Monday 14 October 2013 20:13

He must have not been too hot, or else this could have been a very flammable situation! :D 'Cause of the gas... and... hot.. fire... stuff. c:

justawallflower 27

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Thursday 26 June 2014 5:35

The same thing I thought.

KenMcGormick 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 10:23

sounds like Massa

JessxMaxine 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 10:35

That's what you get for thinking you are all hot.

grace31297 14

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Sunday 14 October 2012 7:35

Well, somebodies bitter!

dogpup4 23

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Monday 3 December 2012 0:28

For smiling?

historymaker 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 13:18

I do this all the time- except i drive away with the pump in my car and dont realize until an hour or so later ha

Zonedout 2

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 14:17

sounds like something I would do, kinda like forgetting to close your trunk after packing cause of good song comes on the radio.

holynemesis1208 3

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 15:59

haha. that's great. i have always wanted to be at a gas station when somebody drives off still attached to the pump.

alishaleesha 1

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:10

Haha, #14 made me laugh. I love smartasses.

Chickmechanic69 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 20:33

Ok...... first of all I'm a girl... #11 and #12 and the author are the type of women who give us bad names. If you are that air headed you should not be allowed to OWN a vehicle let a lone drive one. Forgetting to close your trunk isn't THAT horrible..... but seriously..... Change your hair colour or something and try thinking.... It's not that difficult to NOT FOR GET YOU"RE FILLING YOU DAMN CAR. This is why I hate working with women and am glad I work in an automotive shop.

twilightluvr101 4

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Sunday 18 March 2012 3:29

Forget is one word....

hotdawg 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 21:47

#17 yours is even better than this post. lol. sorry to hear that tho

Jimmy_fml 0

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Friday 27 February 2009 9:07

yea, here where i live in atlanta the pump doesn't latch on the car so by driving away you don't take the gas station and it's attendant home with you