Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00 - Australia

Today, I'm a youth worker. I drove 7 hours to visit a teenage girl I have been working with, and who recently moved. Due to roadworks, it took me 2 hours longer than expected. When I arrived, she told me to fuck off and closed the door in my face. FML

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All in the family

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Hello everyone!

By - 28/4/2019 05:00 - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I made plans with my boyfriend for some "alone time" after work. I then stepped on some black ice in the parking lot, landed on my head, and got sent to the ER. Per protocol, until cleared by a specialist, I am not permitted to work. Or drive. Or drink. Or do anything "strenuous". FML

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By whooops - 15/8/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 23:31 - Canada

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

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By sleepylillion - 25/4/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By misoranomegami - 21/6/2014 02:48 - United States

Today, my mother came over to check on my new kitten while I was at work. She took a video of the kitten playing on my bed and climbing on my nightstand. Right on top of my vibrator I forgot to put away. I'm not sure if she noticed or not but she's certainly been showing the video around. FML

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By vsshopper - 22/2/2012 19:21 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

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By monster1109 - 10/8/2015 15:51 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I got into the shower with my glasses on by mistake. I spent 5 minutes convinced that the fog in my vision was me going blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By Fatality - 28/10/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, for once, I managed to get my boyfriend's mind off the hockey game. I muted the TV and cuddled up to him. Only thirty seconds into snuggling, he shoved me onto the floor and screamed, "GOAL!" FML

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By Anon - 4/8/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By theshire - 12/8/2014 06:23 - France - Nice

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

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By Oh. - 23/7/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2018 06:00

Is this the worst Netflix and chill ever?

Today, a guy I'd been seeing briefly came over for cocktails and a movie. The night ended with him vomiting in my bathroom and on my couch, using my toothbrush, then proceeding to tell me how big his ex-boyfriend's dick was. FML

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By Singlewife - 23/3/2019 22:00

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - 4/8/2010 07:58 - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 12:00

Today, I'm scared to leave my bedroom. During the night, what must have been a giant spider made a web 4 feet wide stretching from the lightbulb to the tv and then down to the desk corner. It's blocking my path to the door and I can't tell where the 8-legged bastard is hiding. FML

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By evilplatypus - 11/2/2019 14:00 - United States - Cromwell

Today, after talking to my psychiatrist about a delusion I have - that I know is a delusion but simply can’t shake - he started frowning and pulled out the DSM-V. After thumbing through it for a while he looks at me and says, “That’s not in here.” FML

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By hoser - 21/2/2010 10:01 - Canada

Today, I went skiing. Trying to show off to some inexperienced skiers, I flew past them at my top speed, a bracket snapped off my boot and I slid on my face for about 30 metres. FML

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By I knew it! - 2/11/2018 17:00 - United States - Washington

Today, I woke up to 6 missed calls. I called back to find a woman asking how I know her boyfriend after seeing our texts. I told her he's been my boyfriend for 4 months, and she told me he's been hers for over a year. He vehemently denied knowing who I am as I spoke, even with obvious proof. FML

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By nolife - 5/11/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

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By TextLoser - 5/8/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2018 03:30

Today, I found out my fiancé can't wear his ring at his parents house cause his mom and dad don’t want him to marry me, and it has nothing to do with me. They don’t like my parents so I’m not good enough for their son. FML

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By higagram - 10/9/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

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By _akwardsituation - 1/1/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 19:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to be very naughty and placed her underwear in my backpack. I wish she had told me, because it slipped into a folder that contained my project data for my professor. So, after class, I got sent to the Dean of Students' office to talk about sexual harassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 03:14 - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, my boss decided that, because I got dragged into a vacation that I didn't even want to go on, she was going to take a promotion back before she even gave it to me. I don't know what's worse, losing the promotion or going on that crappy vacation. FML

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By ForgottenKid - 6/11/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2012 07:24 - United States - Everett

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

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By accidentalslut - 7/8/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML

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By Savannah - 15/6/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, like every other day this past week at Bonnaroo, I've been placing my belongings in the cubbyhole inside the portapotties as I use. Today, I also learned that those "cubbyholes" are urinals. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2011 21:12 - United States

Today, I locked lips with someone, or rather something, other than family for the first time in my life. It was a CPR dummy. FML

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By AuraOfJustice - 12/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By Megan - 19/3/2018 01:30

Weren't there two girls?

Today, I was at my boyfriend's in a back room that wasn’t connected to the main house. I really had to pee, but neither of us wanted to go into the house, so he told me to just go outside in a cup. I ended up having diarrhea in a cup in my boyfriend's backyard. FML

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By Chelsea - 21/4/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

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By a - 6/12/2012 06:15 - United States - Clarksville

Today, as my friend was rudely rummaging through my phone, she saw a picture of the pottery I've painted her for Christmas. Not only did she see it, but she also declared it ugly. That's probably the present I'm the most proud of this Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2012 23:49 - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

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By whywilson.. - 2/3/2010 01:17 - Canada

Today, I watched Cast Away with my girlfriend after not seeing it for a year. I forgot how sad it was when Wilson "dies" at the end. I cried. My girlfriend told me to man up. FML

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By Synonymous_Rex - 5/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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Top comments

By Chazzster | 20

#7463921 - Friday 2 June 2017 0:36

If she had agreed to meet with you then It's an FYI.
If she had not agreed to meet with you then YDI.

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7463925 - Friday 2 June 2017 0:38

even if she agreed to meet you, you were two hours late. I would be pissed as well as I usually have plans and my time is precious.
Did you not pull over to ring her to warn you would be so late?

Comments

By fancybest | 14

#7463914 - Friday 2 June 2017 0:17

Ouch!

By Chazzster | 20

#7463921 - Friday 2 June 2017 0:36

If she had agreed to meet with you then It's an FYI.
If she had not agreed to meet with you then YDI.

Reply

Pixiewolfe | 46

#7463925 - Friday 2 June 2017 0:38

even if she agreed to meet you, you were two hours late. I would be pissed as well as I usually have plans and my time is precious.
Did you not pull over to ring her to warn you would be so late?

By aquapuss335 | 4

#7463954 - Friday 2 June 2017 1:22

As a fellow youth worker, as if you didn't know that was a possibility ?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7463956 - Friday 2 June 2017 1:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

BiGTiMeNeRD | 29

#7464453 - Friday 2 June 2017 23:09

You sure are a slimey creeper.

By Rebecca Stockert | 16

#7463977 - Friday 2 June 2017 3:10

got to say follow up because an unexpected youth worker spells puppies and free candy in a panel van but if she knew ahead of time shes rude *g rated word*

By pjsr | 32

#7464016 - Friday 2 June 2017 8:14

That's what happens when you do something creepy

By Nina825 | 21

#7464031 - Friday 2 June 2017 8:47

Did you even tell her you were coming??? If not YDI ...

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7464067 - Friday 2 June 2017 10:43

Well, at least you got paid for the entire round-trip drive, right? :-)

By Alexandria79 | 22

#7464081 - Friday 2 June 2017 11:30

did you agree to meet with her?

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7464320 - Friday 2 June 2017 18:31

She wouldn't have to tell me twice.