By fuck your music - United States - Hesperia

Doo doo doodoodoo doo doo

Today, I finally got tired of my neighbors constantly blaring their obnoxious rap music all hours of the day and night. Trying to be funny, I put Baby Shark on a loop and turned my speakers all the way up. They called the cops on me. FML

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Understandable

In my day…

Phantom pooper

By Lo_Bolian - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By Sash - United Kingdom

Today, I dressed up for a date. After waiting for hours, sending countless texts and voice mails to my date, and thinking I'd been stood up, I remembered my date is actually scheduled for tomorrow. FML

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By spiderfail - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

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By confusing - Zimbabwe

Today, my students turned in their male figure artwork. One absolute idiot had the smart idea of drawing me and the TA as some kind of gay lovers. I was torn between disgust at the explicitness, anger at the disrespect, and yet awe at how well-drawn it was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me during a funeral. FML

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By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

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By ohseven6421 - United States

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

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By aproudmom - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By touched - Philippines

Today, on the crowded train, a cute guy called me over and told me to stand next to him because there were less people there. We started talking, but he left before I could get his number. Just when I was about to tell my friends about it, I find out that he stole my phone. FML

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By the girlfriend - United Kingdom

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

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By loser - United States - Washington

Today, after dealing with infidelity in my marriage, I found myself looking for advice. This led me to the comments section of a tabloid article talking about Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson. I'm a 30-year-old man taking marriage advice from a bunch of vampire-obsessed tweens. FML

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By randomdude3890 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

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By badbestfriend - United States

Today, I took my best friend out for a night in town, after he got dumped by his girlfriend recently. As we were walking around, we passed a group of hot women, a couple who were checking him out. Trying to be encouraging, I said "He's single!" and winked. One of the girls was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By blahdyblahblah33 - United States

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room. Apparently, there is only one serious side effect of getting your tonsils out when you're an adult, which is only seen in about 1% of patients: bleeding of the throat. It can be deadly. I'm part of that 1%. FML

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By . - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

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By glorified taxi driver - 11/6/2020 20:08

Capitalism kills

Today, after starting a new job, having two ovarian cysts rupture and been in and out of the hospital twice in a week, I'd been told that I couldn't work, needed surgery, and could lose my ovary. I’m 23. I was told that my job was secure and not to worry. I received my termination letter. FML

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1993

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By Username - United States

Classy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear, "It's not gonna suck itself." FML

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By amyhyett - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked into a door on my way in to an interview, in front of the interviewer and a group of people waiting to be interviewed. FML

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By ashdk

Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

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By Ugh-Lee - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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By are you kidding me? - United States - Lady Lake

Today, my boss joined me on my vacation, to "make sure I actually went". FML

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By whirlednews - United States

Today, I'm at home sick and someone is moving into the apartment above ours. Judging by the sounds and level of noise, they seem to be opening some sort of woodworking shop. FML

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By Lisaaa - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

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By grossed out - United States - Mount Prospect

Today, I was at my aunt and uncle's house. I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands, I took a Q-tip out of the carton to clean my ears. When I reached for a second one, I noticed that every Q-tip in the carton was actually already used. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I realised that I can tell my 6 cats apart by the sound of their paws on the carpet. I think I need friends. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By mikay1413

Gullible's travels

Today, my step-sister asked me what an organ donor was. I told her it's someone who delivers pianos. She believed me. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Being nice is so 1968

Today, I decided to do something nice and compliment a stranger. I told a girl that I liked her skirt and that it looked good on her. She just rolled her eyes at me and said, "I'm not gay". FML

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By IceCreamCraver - United States

Today, the ice cream truck went by my house for the seventh time today, as it has for the last seven days of my fasting. FML

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By sunny_ca559 - United States

Today, my husband admitted to me that he has a mental block about touching my boobs, because he's afraid that breast milk is going to spurt out at him. I had my son 5 months ago and I don't breast feed. FML

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By Anonameow - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous, and not thinking, I made comments that included the words "killing", "dying", and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By arianelagolden

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By Pfff - France

Today, I argued with a boy from school over a girl. I didn't know he was a black belt judoka. I'm still in pain. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7821500 - Tuesday 16 July 2019 22:36

Why hadn’t you called the cops on them? That’d be funnier than Baby Shark.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7821460 - Tuesday 16 July 2019 18:02

Rap music, now that's the definition of nightmare. All I hear is words that don't come from the dictionary. Stupidity at its finest.

COMMENTS

By LostSoul | 19

#7821458 - Tuesday 16 July 2019 17:15

I have neighbors like that. Total jerks. At 6pm om a Saturday my husband was playing the sex pistols on his cellphone. No speakers, just the phone. They called the cops saying there was vulgarity coming from our backyard.