Intimacy: Dead bed - FML

Dead bed

By ohyey - 29/01/2011 01:50 - Norway

Spicy

Today, I discovered that my wife isn't cheating on me after all, as I'd feared. We just don't have sex anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 121

You deserved it 7 015

Sorry…

Late term

I don't need to see this

Home invasion

By Brad - 05/07/2020 20:01

Today, I woke up and got out of my room to find two pit bulls viciously tearing up my couch. I have never owned a dog and I live alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 834

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 20/06/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 862

You deserved it 5 834

Damned freshmen

By CRC - 23/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 233

You deserved it 2 412

By Is that..? - 17/07/2014 03:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I ran into a good friend at work. I work at a jail. She doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 838

You deserved it 4 840

By i suck, this i know :( - 26/07/2013 22:11 - Malawi - Blantyre

Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 107

You deserved it 71 548

By Goodyear - 20/01/2014 03:59 - United States - Glendale

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. After a while, he started staring at my lady parts, and said my "vag looks like a mockingjay". He then stretched the lips apart like wings and made little "CA-CAW CA-CAW!" sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 475

You deserved it 10 006

By fuck my eyeballs - 01/12/2013 23:07 - United States - Rancho Palos Verdes

Today, I pulled over a speeding driver. I admit that I'd been hoping for this moment since I joined the police force; the moment a lady put her cleavage on display to get out of a ticket. Sadly, this lady was a senior citizen, and her breasts looked like two semi-deflated balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 037

You deserved it 22 197

She definitely heard

By Anonymous - 09/09/2021 02:00

Today, I had to go to the mall for a quick errand. While there one of my friends who works at a phone booth was there and I stayed for a little bit chatting with him. While chatting, a girl passed by. She was so pretty that I blurted out, "What a woman!" out loud. Turns out it was my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 1 235

By ok cool - 13/10/2015 01:53 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, while I was in the bathroom my mom walked in and tried to have a conversation with me about my bowel movements. I'm 23, and this is a regular thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 044

You deserved it 2 867

By sierra808 - 31/05/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I was walking the beach and I saw my crush walking towards me. I was thinking about what I was going to do while playing with my top that ties in the front. I decided that I was just going to smile. When we got closer to each other I smiled and waved as I put my hand up it untied my top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 444

You deserved it 17 486

By PaperInfection - 23/11/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 207

You deserved it 5 671

That Monday morning feeling

By Carmen - 09/03/2020 15:00

Today, I couldn't sleep because a group of drunken guys decided to stay out all night singing Disney songs. They had loudspeakers too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 442

You deserved it 133

By f_n_fail - 06/12/2016 21:31 - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 121

You deserved it 700

By porkeater - 16/07/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, we went up for visitor's day for my son's Jewish summer camp. We don't keep kosher, but most of his fellow campers do. When we went around in the circle saying our favorite foods, he said, "my mom makes the best pork chops." We got dirty looks for the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 272

You deserved it 13 595

By M.SHUKRI - 29/03/2015 12:54 - United States - Round Lake

Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 739

You deserved it 3 222

By jameen - 07/05/2016 11:48 - United Kingdom - Newbury

Today, a woman rear-ended my car. She's trying to sue me for 'emotional damage'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 676

You deserved it 1 011

By Ugh - 05/11/2012 02:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, while I was cleaning out my son's room, I came across his diary. Opening it out of curiosity, I found ramblings about how blacks, Jews, and other "inferior breeds" should be forcibly sterilized "for the common good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 773

You deserved it 9 810

By Anonymous - 19/12/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, my last remaining pet, a hamster, died. Even he thinks it's better to drown in his water dish than brave the world living with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 7 175

By mjperfetti84 - 22/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 396

You deserved it 6 151

By TheComedyAudio - 06/04/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 675

You deserved it 319

Tetchy

By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 19:58

Today, my partner got mad at me for forgetting to turn off the bedroom light when coming back from brushing my teeth, and has chosen to sleep in our spare bedroom over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 192

By lovekills99 - 19/01/2009 17:59 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's mother told me she had fantasies about throwing him out a window when he was a baby because she was so depressed and couldn't handle the stress. The worst part is he wants to get married. She'd be my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 606

You deserved it 4 242

By BambooLove - 15/07/2010 06:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 996

You deserved it 65 793

By SeaSick - 15/02/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a 1 day cruise to the Bahamas. It happened to be on the same day of the worst sailing conditions. We spent 6 hours throwing up together. Him into the sink, and me into the toilet. We spent $200 to see the inside of our cabin's bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 734

You deserved it 3 578

Surprise!

By spiteful bitch - 25/07/2020 23:00

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 115

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 20:48 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because a coworker had seen me reading magazines on the job. That same coworker was the one who offered me the magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 038

You deserved it 7 904

By saynotochrispine - 28/07/2009 04:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that we would be living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up, ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 142

You deserved it 7 884

By violatedbuttcrack - 16/05/2013 10:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 122

You deserved it 5 355

They'll go at night

By jesuschrist - 22/03/2020 00:30

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 610

You deserved it 418

Crushed

By Danielle - 02/08/2020 08:08

Today, I was disassembling a tent after a week of camping when I felt a crunch under my bare foot. I lifted up the tarp I was standing on to find a now squashed mouse. Mice are my favorite animals, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to go camping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 286

You deserved it 476

Finally!

By oppsiedaisey - 02/09/2019 12:00

Spicy

Today, it's been so long since my husband has been able to give me an orgasm that when he finally did today, I started sobbing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 926

You deserved it 333

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 16:13 - United States

Today, my Dad called me to tell me that he had finally won the lottery and that I no longer had to worry about trying to find a way to pay for school. I was so excited I started crying. He then told me that he won $5 on a scratch off lotto ticket. He bought a sandwich. Funny dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 353

You deserved it 9 137

By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 00:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't attend her dog's funeral, and was therefore an insensitive bastard. I couldn't attend because my mum has cancer and I was driving her to a hospital appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 970

You deserved it 3 359

By Anonymousss95 - 10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 520

You deserved it 13 347

By Thanks Honey - 05/06/2013 15:08 - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 508

You deserved it 5 180

By Jmdezy - 05/04/2016 15:45 - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 756

You deserved it 24 104

The Good Fight

By cacheson - 05/06/2020 23:00

Today, my husband and roommate went out to protest for the second day in a row. I have an anxiety disorder, so I can't go. I’m just stuck here watching videos of the fires and violence, wondering if they will even come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 311

You deserved it 1 037

Influencers

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 08:01

Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 097

You deserved it 66 059

YouTube drama

By chrome dome - 22/04/2021 20:01

Today, my sister put hair remover in my shampoo as a "prank" for her YouTube channel. My mom grounded her for a month, but let her keep her dumb channel because she cried and said she’d kill herself if she had to delete it. Meanwhile, it’ll take years for my hair to grow back the length it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 769

You deserved it 63

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

summerkingsley 0

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:09

lick that pussy. honestly.

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 8:57

Then start making your marriage interesting dude!

Comments

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 8:56

like every other marriage out their

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:56

I like to spice things up with lois, last night I wore this Indiana jones costume and I had to raid her lost ark. It was alright till Steven spielberg joined in and that just ruined everything...

Send a private message

Sunday 30 January 2011 3:10

there not their Is no one educated in proper English any more?

Send a private message

Sunday 30 January 2011 4:41

shut up, this is the internet were talking about here

LoveMySoldier82 0

Send a private message

Sunday 30 January 2011 14:25

Not every marriage.

Send a private message

Monday 31 January 2011 4:15

is no one understanding of a simple spelling or grammar mistake anymore? I mean geez. get over yourself. cool, you check over your comments 500 times to make sure everything is spick and span for what? a FML comment...ON A COMMENT? seriously? fail on your part, Honestly4U.. by the way..you spelled "you" wrong and you're using the wrong "for" in your user name.

atone 0

Send a private message

Friday 4 February 2011 5:08

owned that biotch!!! oh, I'm sorry, bitch

Send a private message

Friday 4 May 2012 7:32

Fuck my life? More like fuck my wife!

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 8:56

sex is good at FIRST

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 8:57

Then start making your marriage interesting dude!

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 8:58

*there*

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:01

Rushing to get first Eh?

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:03

Comment was meant for #1.

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:04

try to spice up your sex life alittle that might help. if not your life sucks

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:05

well if you get your balls back you should learn how to use them correctly!

summerkingsley 0

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:09

lick that pussy. honestly.

JERZBornNRaised 7

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 17:36

hahahaha straight to the point, i like it! lmao

summerkingsley 0

Send a private message

Sunday 30 January 2011 3:24

hahaha well really. he needs to grow some balls and satisfy her.

Send a private message

Friday 4 February 2011 13:38

amen

Send a private message

Sunday 12 March 2017 1:37

It's very tasty.

Send a private message

Saturday 29 January 2011 9:09

Then quit wasting your time not trusting in her and spend some time being romantic.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 70