Intimacy: Cosy chat

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 324

You deserved it 3 580

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

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Same thing different taste

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 198

You deserved it 56 602

Quick thinking

By me. - 29/10/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me masturbating. All I could say was, "Uh, I had an itch…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 040

You deserved it 35 380

By soapgirl - 13/08/2009 16:07 - Philippines

Today, my mom was gifted with a toiletry basket. I grabbed the lotion and used it without asking. When I went out, it began raining hard. I got wet and noticed my skin got very sticky. Turns out the lotion was actually body wash. People were wondering why soap bubbles were coming from my skin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 425

You deserved it 65 007

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 518

You deserved it 62 887

Caught in 404p

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 04:49 - Canada

Today, my mom had a talk with me while my dad was out. She said to stop using her lotion for my masturbation sessions. I asked her how long did she know. She replied with, "Ever since we put up that camera in the living room for burglars, where you happen to watch your porn." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 293

You deserved it 51 509

Got the sniffles

By Jizzyface - 29/12/2013 12:36 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 369

You deserved it 28 885

Please…

By Anonymous - 08/04/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 106

You deserved it 66 278

Cool off

By chumleevil - 08/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 232

You deserved it 3 504

By Anonymous - 02/09/2012 23:47 - United States

Today, after a visit with my mom, I started feeling sick. I meant to send her a text asking if she had gotten sick lately, but I accidentally sent a text asking if she had gotten dick lately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 500

You deserved it 5 375

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 928

You deserved it 5 870

Keevarou 17

Sunday 20 May 2012 11:55

At least she accepts that you can ********** :) So you got a understanding mother, so intimacy would not be a problem, and she cares for you. I hope she got your tissues and lube anyway though, and get well. It sucks to dry up

SkoomaKi 27

Sunday 20 May 2012 11:58

You set yourself up for that. Ask for warm apple pie as well. If she gets the reference, enjoy the reaction.

Comments

vcapelo 19

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:06

Such things can be a bit weird to talk about but things went well right? So be happy and stop crying about it!

THE_A_TEEN 27

Sunday 20 May 2012 18:55

Except the fact that OP didn't get his/her lotion and tissues and will have to wait even longer to get those while he's suffering with his sickness.

jojimugo 20

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:12

You have a cool mum, mine would have broke out the bible If she thought I was doing that

telaier 2

Sunday 20 May 2012 15:03

Your life dont suck if you are a guy you can ********** in the next similar situation. please trust me :)

Skittlepickle 13

Sunday 20 May 2012 21:42

13 Amen

PistolWhiper93 0

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:13

Well, it was not what u expected, but at least u got a free lecture. ? ;) Troll lol lol lol!

CharliesCool2084 8

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:23

Surely she would have known why you wanted them considering you were ill?

youtubetre_fml 14

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:38

I should have the same mother : your life don't suck

Shadow_Phantom 26

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:39

Likewise to some of the comments, you should feel lucky that she doesn't go batshit-insane on you, like some parents... Still FYL for the awkwardness that ensued.

I_Punch_Babies 7

Sunday 20 May 2012 12:42

of course masturbation is okay. i hear that sex acts as an antihistamine. maybe it works the same in single player sessions?

wtflawl 3

Sunday 20 May 2012 13:29

Lol awkward! Just be glad she didn't walk in on u doing it then give u that talk haha

DocBastard 38

Sunday 20 May 2012 13:37

OP: But mom, I need them because I'm sick! And the dry skin! Mother: Suuure you do, honey. Sure you do. Then why did you ask me to bring you the latest issue of "Big Jiggly Hooters Weekly"? OP: Uuuumm...to read the articles when I get bored?