By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 21:30

Climate change? What's that?

Today, our bathroom is so cold that my shea butter and homemade coconut oil toothpaste are too hard to get out of the jar. Yes, that’s the same room I get naked in twice a day. FML

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Triage

Walk on the wild side

Deadly cocktail

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Still got game

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

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By michelle - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, while my husband was at work, he missed our son saying his first word ("Dada"), taking his first steps and smashing the widescreen TV with a well-aimed teddy bear. Care to guess which of these three things made my husband cry. FML

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By Melinda - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

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By GetMoney - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

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By father-in-nope - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's dad helped me put coolant in my car. When I said I wished I could do something in return, he told me to get an abortion so I wouldn't "ruin" his son's life. When I told my boyfriend, he didn't believe me. FML

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By happiestturtle - United States - Chicago

Today, my mom thought the best way to stop me from taking people to my room was by changing my wallpaper into a nursery-themed one. Now I get to see bunnies, letter blocks and teddy bears all day long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By shadowsorel - United States - Chicago

Today, I have a cold, and was stuck sleeping in bed. My roommate decided to wake me up by sticking headphones in my ears and playing heavy metal on full volume. This is the third time this week. FML

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By clashgurl8449

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

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By SAM - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2021 23:01

Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML

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By FoundMyLighter - United States

Today, my jeep wouldn't start so I opened the hood. I slammed my fingers in my jeep's hood. It latched shut. My hood release was inside the cab, and the jeep was in neutral and on an incline. It started to roll... with a ditch about 5 yards away. I had to skin my own fingers to get them out. FML

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By dole_out_the_fml - Canada

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

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By Claire.L - 10/5/2020 20:00

Catch 22

Today, I gave my boss a two-month notice. He threatened me by saying he wouldn't provide a reference if I quit in July instead of August. I need the reference to pursue my dream to work in the USA as a nanny. I have no other choice, I either work under their pressure or start all over. FML.

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

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By ouch - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By Kendall14159 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was babysitting a 6 year-old and a 9 year-old. After they went to bed, I started working on a project for on my laptop that was due in 12 hours and fell asleep. I woke up to a dog licking my peanut buttered keyboard and the two kids sitting in the corner giggling. FML

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By markzar - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend's job to ask him a question. His co-worker answered the phone, and when I asked for my boyfriend, he assumed I was someone else. Who exactly would that someone else be? FML

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By DarkMaskDiva - 21/3/2020 18:00

Vicious circle

Today, I found out the medication my doctor gave me for depression is making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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By i see fat people - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By noname - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

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By huulo

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

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By sucker and suckatash/say don't spray - United States - Pearl City

Today, I was doing stand-up comedy at open mic. The guy I like started laughing, but before I hit my punch line. Apparently, when I was speaking, I was occasionally spitting, and in the very bright light it was easy to see my spit hitting people in the face. They kept a tally. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

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By loser - United Kingdom

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said "oh, and now you look more handsome". FML

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By kp - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while eating s'mores with my boyfriend's family, I misplaced my false tooth. With a team of flashlights and hurt pride, my expensive tooth was found. In dog shit. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By ladygrey

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

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By pampa31 - Mexico - Tijuana

Today, while I was driving, there was a high speed car chase. The runaway managed to avoid my car but the police didn't. FML

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Top comments

By Bogrbon | 22

#7972610 - Thursday 18 February 2021 21:59

I mean, that definitely sucks about the cold, but get yourself some real toothpaste with fluoride in it to protect your teeth. Shea butter and coconut oil are all good, but fluoride for your teeth. (Just don’t eat the toothpaste.)

By bound101 | 5

#7972619 - Thursday 18 February 2021 23:15

No, you don't eat toothpaste 🤣

COMMENTS

By Bogrbon | 22

#7972610 - Thursday 18 February 2021 21:59

bound101 | 5

#7972619 - Thursday 18 February 2021 23:15

No, you don't eat toothpaste 🤣

By RichardPencil | 29

#7972635 - Friday 19 February 2021 1:34

Naked, huh?

The butter and toothpaste aren't the only things getting hard, if you know what I mean;)

By wmayrhofer | 18

#7972699 - Friday 19 February 2021 10:35

A portable heater might help, or keeping your products in a warmer place.

jkjorn | 15

#7972763 - Friday 19 February 2021 15:22

Assuming she lives in a place that has electricity. Just a guess but I have a feeling she's posting from Texas.

By SM79 | 2

#7972820 - Friday 19 February 2021 20:12

Buy a space heater

By Regis Bent | 7

#7973042 - Saturday 20 February 2021 20:23

Holy fuck, if this isn't a first world problem I dont know what is

By mando | 7

#7973046 - Saturday 20 February 2021 20:35

toothpaste issues 😪