By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 23:03

Chilly

Today, I'm a young, healthy non-smoker, getting plenty of exercise and walking about 8.000 steps a day. I still have ice-cold feet. Even wearing two pairs of socks. And Lambswool boots. In July. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Dangling modifier

There's no helping some people

By Cheryl

Go, Vegan!

Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

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By Katelyn - United States - Folsom

Today, I was pumping gas, when my daughter called me. After I hung up, I put my phone on the car roof while I grabbed my bag. I completely forgot about it and only realized when it shot off the roof as I braked at a traffic light. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

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By no_hullabalo - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By lebowski - United States

Today, my 5 year old brother wanted to look through my phone. I know he can't read so I gave it to him. He was, however, able to get at my "private" photo album. FML

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By lifedoessuck12 - Philippines

Today, I had to wait outside Starbucks. While standing, I started day dreaming and didn't notice I had been staring at a table beside the window for a long time. Suddenly, someone went up to me and said "Try not to be so obvious". Sitting at the table was a girl with a huge cleavage. FML

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By letsloseweight - Korea Republic of

Today, it started raining unexpectedly. My daughter and I didn't have an umbrella, so my daughter raised one of my big flabby arms and put it over her head to protect her from the rain. It worked. FML

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By dudster25 - United States - Hanford

Today, I was both sexting with my girlfriend and texting my professor about an upcoming essay. I accidentally sent a dickpic to my professor. FML

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By ooops - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

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By Hank - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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By Mikimiks93 - South Africa

Today, while driving on a totally deserted, long, straight road in the middle of the bush, I sneezed and drove right into a pole on the side of the road. It was the only pole for over 50 km. FML

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By buses suck - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2021 17:00

Marriage doesn't solve anything

Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML

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By Bee - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2020 23:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out my sister-in-law cheated on her husband. I also found out my uncle cheated on my aunt with my sister-in-law. FML

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By zzyx - United States

Today, there was a fire alarm in my dorm. Just as I was leaving my room, a lady in the hallway told me that it was a drill and they'd be inspecting rooms, so I would need to leave my door unlocked. When I came back, my room was trashed and my laptop, speakers, and jewelry were gone. FML

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By whyyyy - 17/6/2020 05:05

Dumbass

Today, my daughter shaved her head in solidarity for a friend who went bald from cancer. Normally this would be an amazing gesture. Unfortunately, her “friend” is a fictional character from a book she’s reading. My daughter had almost 24-inch long hair. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By nataliepaige - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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By bluewatersify - Australia

Today, I got a letter in the mail, my mother has applied for a reduction in her child support payments for my brother and I. She's paid $10 child support in 16 years. FML

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By Jrex89 - United States - Washington

Today, I got woken up and kicked out of bed. Apparently if I cheat in her dreams it still counts. FML

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By shart up, your puns suck - United Kingdom - London

You tried…

Today, I clogged my girlfriend's toilet, so being a gentleman, I tried to rectify the situation. I plunged the holy fuck out of that damned toilet, only for her to accuse me of jacking off because I was taking so long. When she stormed in and the smell hit her, she called me a pig. I just can't win. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, I asked a hairdresser for an A-line bob. I was left with wavy bangs and hair, which is not A-line at all, it's 1 cm shorter on one side. She says she did my hair right, I just need to "style it properly." Not only is it fucked up, I later realised it's the EXACT same haircut as my mother-in-law's. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Port Hardy

Today, my boyfriend's transition into an annoying hipster is complete. It started with the not-really-necessary nerd glasses and the Mötley Crüe t-shirt, the final straw being the affected British accent. I'm considering where to dump the body. FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

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By future burger flipper - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By OuchImAMoron - United States - Old Bridge

Today, I was cleaning a pocketknife when I noticed a spider on my leg. My first reaction was to stab it. FML

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By Andy

Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML

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By Seriously?

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

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By WaterNeeded

Shortage

Today, I came back from a holiday with in-laws who don't speak English. After taking a dump and not being able to flush, I realised they had turned off the water prior to the holiday. I had to show them my poop to explain they had no running water. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By Arrkyna

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Today, while working at the vet, we had a familiar little dog show up for a minor procedure. The dog always sits on its owner's lap on the drive over, and always gets peed on. Not talking about dog pee. And we're not allowed to bathe it because that service costs extra. FML

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By booger - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By bruh

Unexpected

Today, I asked my girlfriend to prom. Instead of saying yes, she broke up with me. FML

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By Bleh - Canada - Brantford

Today, I found out that my new, expensive noise-canceling headphones trigger my motion sickness. FML

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By xenutja - 29/1/2021 13:02 - United States - Amery

Hate sex

Today, I found out why my boyfriend always has sex with me like he hates me. Turns out, he actually hates me. FML

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By Dino

Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML

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Top comments

By Funnygirl25 | 4

#7926058 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:28

See a doctor. Its a sign of poor circulation.

By tranced_ | 44

#7926054 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:23

Consult a doctor .. that’s what they’re there for!

COMMENTS

By tranced_ | 44

#7926054 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:23

Consult a doctor .. that’s what they’re there for!

By Funnygirl25 | 4

#7926058 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:28

See a doctor. Its a sign of poor circulation.

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7926069 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:39

talk to the doctor about it? sounds like you aren't as healthy as you think...

By RichardPencil | 30

#7926076 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:50

8000 steps a day is pretty minimal.

Sounds like you have circulation problems -- maybe you have very close veins.

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7926078 - Monday 27 July 2020 23:54

8000 is not lots. But that’s probably not the point. The point is you have poor circulation and should get it checked out.

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7926088 - Tuesday 28 July 2020 0:25

You obviously have a circulation problem which has nothing to do with how fit you are. See a Dr.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7926099 - Tuesday 28 July 2020 0:48

Miniskirt with those boots, I hope.
Eski-HOEEEE!!

By Yudith | 20

#7926417 - Wednesday 29 July 2020 1:36

Could be Raynault's disease. I'll go with the family and suggest a visit to the doctor.