Intimacy: Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls... - FML

By na - 04/02/2009 14:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my inebriated boyfriend and I were having sex. He rolls off of me without finishing, and says, "I'm bored." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 840

You deserved it 7 525

Dysfunctional

Leave us alone

Ah yes, homophobic jokes, so funny

GIVE ME BOOZE, NOW!

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 22:01

Today, I got a change of ID. My old ID had its corner cut off and was given a temporary paper ID. I went to a bar in another town to have some drinks. Turns out I couldn't because they couldn't use my old ID or my temporary one to let me drink, even though I'm 22. I've been there before and I work at my town's liquor store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 129

By Anonymous - 14/03/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, while at work, I was told by a man who had literally just gotten back from his mothers funeral to cheer up, I was depressing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 593

You deserved it 5 953

By cwhitney7 - 22/12/2014 15:04 - United States - Waltham

Today, I decorated my boyfriend's house for Christmas as a surprise, just in time for him and his family to come home. Also just in time for him to tell me he's Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 701

You deserved it 13 299

By frootloops - 21/11/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I realized that my girlfriend had never said anything about the proposal ring I had put into a box of her Froot Loops. When I hinted it to her, she said that the cereal had expired, so she threw out the box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 803

You deserved it 27 644

By Anonymous - 21/12/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 164

You deserved it 5 835

By Marcella_03 - 05/12/2009 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 684

You deserved it 15 945

By courtbabbbby - 12/02/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 712

You deserved it 43 683

How does she know?

By Anonymous - 17/03/2021 08:00

Spicy

Today, my future mother-in-law freaked out my very religious fiancé by telling him fornication is gonna send him to hell, because when I was with them in January we had sex every day for a month and she's still mad about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 321

By Sheliton - 18/01/2012 01:39 - United States

Today, I learned how awful intertrigo smells. I spent a ton of money and years of my life to become a health care provider apparently to treat the yeast infection between an obese woman's fat folds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 325

You deserved it 5 335

By Confused - 27/02/2012 04:58 - United States

Today, while skiing, the creepy guy controlling the chair lift said I was pretty. I was so caught off guard that I fell off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 352

You deserved it 5 122

Spare wheel

By Anonymous - 19/05/2020 14:00

Today, an ex of mine told me she wanted a threesome. This was great until I realised I wasn't included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 236

You deserved it 390

By sucks4me - 18/06/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 231

You deserved it 16 095

By deadmedia - 30/08/2009 00:39 - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 897

You deserved it 3 848

Trick question

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 21:57 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 554

You deserved it 33 558

By Anonymous - 25/09/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 275

You deserved it 35 338

By Lisa - 24/09/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 517

You deserved it 237

By TTR - 13/11/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I finished a very important but annoying presentation that took four hours to complete. Only after writing a paragraph to explain the presentation and sending it to my boss did I realize that I saved the document as "Shit I have to do to get a promotion." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 900

You deserved it 44 587

Hiya!

By Anonymous - 25/08/2009 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I spotted my neighbour's cat sitting on their front garden. I bent over and began walking towards it with my hand out saying, "Hello pussycat!" I was only a few feet away when I realised I was talking to a white bag of sand. I turned to see my family in hysterics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 809

You deserved it 40 580

By HellisLikeTheDMV - 13/07/2012 15:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 27 198

By Jason - 24/12/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 390

You deserved it 401

By failure as a parent - 11/05/2013 21:19 - United States - Bound Brook

Today, my teenage daughter nearly burned down our house because she wanted to take "artsy" pictures with a lighter for Instagram. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 348

You deserved it 6 270

By Anonymous - 01/01/2009 03:45 - France

Today, my wife and I both have blond hair and blue eyes, we just had a red headed son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 895

You deserved it 9 160

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 21:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent all day and last night in the bathroom. The seafood I'd been keeping in the refrigerator apparently had gone bad, and is now intent on finding its every possible route to the Great Porcelain Whirlpool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 891

You deserved it 8 176

By Carlos Cervantes_1981647997 - 24/06/2019 03:00

Today, I was talking to a colleague at a meeting, and I told him about my promotion and how the position was created specifically for me. I forgot that the guy works in HR, and he started questioning me about how the division was able to create the position, and said that he will need to look at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 2 131

By crankg - 21/10/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, my roomie had guests over. I didn't feel like socializing, but I really had to piss. So I pissed in the plant in my room, spilled half of it, mopped it up with an old shirt, and went to bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 542

You deserved it 55 251

By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 466

You deserved it 2 540

By awkwardsituation - 11/07/2010 08:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 916

You deserved it 4 807

By thereisnobaby - 06/10/2016 11:55 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 102

You deserved it 756

Useless

By Anonymous - 23/03/2021 17:01 - Luxembourg

Today, I was forced to write a job application letter that boils down to, "I can't do this job, please don't hire me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 650

You deserved it 198

No thanks

By Pinsky - 13/10/2021 22:00 - United States - Chicago

Spicy

Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 112

You deserved it 551

By why the fuck would you do that - 25/02/2013 02:57 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son broke his hand when he and his best friend had the genius idea of punching each other in the fists as hard as they could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 472

You deserved it 3 773

By seatle girl - 28/06/2016 00:43 - France - Les Mureaux

Today, my six-year-old daughter organized a treasure hunt… for our cat. She hid the contents of an entire bag of cat food all around the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 567

You deserved it 952

By Rejected. - 22/11/2009 17:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 237

You deserved it 3 907

By pinchy - 07/03/2011 03:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 896

You deserved it 4 623

By Tagged - 13/09/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 174

You deserved it 7 741

Wait, what?

By The Bosnian - 15/10/2020 02:02 - Sweden - Solna

Today, after I applied and interviewed for a technical position in IT two weeks ago, they informed me that I didn't get it, because I'm "too technical." How the hell is that even possible? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 80

By Anonymous - 28/02/2014 22:26 - Russian Federation - Korol

Spicy

Today, I was playing an intense game of Flappy Bird. I was so excited at being about to beat my high score that I got a hard-on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 392

You deserved it 22 446

By Anonymous - 08/01/2016 16:19 - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 226

You deserved it 2 201

By cls_x - 24/02/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 342

You deserved it 4 004

By hockey - 26/11/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 846

You deserved it 5 463

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Thursday 5 February 2009 19:00

It sounds like you're bad in bed. I mean, the guy was drunk and still didn't enjoy it. Or maybe he's gay. One of the two.

vfscx0aw6o7jshl 0

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Wednesday 4 February 2009 18:02

He probably wanted a footjob

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vfscx0aw6o7jshl 0

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Wednesday 4 February 2009 18:02

He probably wanted a footjob

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Wednesday 3 June 2015 5:19

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol.

black0belt0babe7 0

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Wednesday 4 February 2009 19:33

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Sunday 11 November 2012 7:12

your an idiot

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Tuesday 23 July 2013 20:59

You're* an idiot, too.

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Thursday 5 February 2009 19:00

It sounds like you're bad in bed. I mean, the guy was drunk and still didn't enjoy it. Or maybe he's gay. One of the two.

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Tuesday 13 November 2012 13:41

Or both?

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Thursday 5 February 2009 19:03

#8 - You're referring to a Cleveland Steamer, not a Hot Pocket. A Hot Pocket is related, but can only be done to a woman. I'm going to skip the details, but you can look them up on urban dictionary.

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Monday 16 February 2009 13:52

i agree with 6 since I've totally done the same thing, though I didn't say anything, It was just too much work.

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 13:28

there are few things more boring than fucking a dead fish (of a woman). if he has whiskey dick and gets bored, its time for you to take control and ride him for all hes worth... unless you're fat and ugly, in which case you damn well better take advantage of having a dick availible because it will probably be quite a while before you get another

TheKitchenSink 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 11:36

Shouldn't this be in the "sex" category?

redhedsaysrawr 18

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:30

honestly, why are you here? what do you think the intimate category IS? it even says it on the homepage! -_-

mleeb 0

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Thursday 19 February 2009 23:47

what makes this all the more sad is that he was drunk. you'd think it'd be easier to keep him entertained. maybe you should work on your technique. ... i can't imagine what it's like for him when he's sober.

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Friday 20 February 2009 1:27

@1: !!! Yeah, that would be awful... e and denial

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Saturday 21 February 2009 22:11

omg last night the same thing happened to me!!! I was on top and i was quite enjoying myself then out of nowhere he was like "are you done yet? Im borde" By any chance is this inbread bf of yours from newfoundland? Maybe its a newfie thing lol.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 9

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 1 998

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 190