By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51296

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15603

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Intimacy

Proactive

Triage

Basic Instinct

By Sexless from Texas - United States - San Antonio

Today, I learned that, when you ask your girlfriend "Do you think we're having sex too often?" she might interpret it as, "I don't think we should have sex ever again," and entirely stop talking to you. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28938

You deserved it

13716

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

I agree, your life sucks

52820

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4516

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that the friend I stayed up with for nights on end, talking out of depression and suicide, has 'politely' posted up on facebook that he secretly hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32410

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3441

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was dragged to the food store with my mom. While we were shopping, the fire alarm went off. My mom pushed the cart at me, nearly knocking me over, and sprinted for the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31229

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2620

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36175

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3108

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8260

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718

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By Anonymous

Ball Is Life

Today, my wife tried to be sexy by climbing on top of me wearing nothing but a thong. Unfortunately, her knee came down in just the wrong spot and I passed out instantly from the pain of my testicle rupturing. I'm in hospital now recovering from the removal surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4752

You deserved it

228

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 14:00

Libel

Today, my friends told me that my girlfriend of over a year and a half refers to me on Facebook, Twitter and Snapchat as "the monster I can't get rid of." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1456

You deserved it

172

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32924

You deserved it

2860

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an 'accident' in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37240

You deserved it

3346

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By maximus - United States

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10203

You deserved it

31085

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By Dariya - United States

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43622

You deserved it

4645

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By Silent

Today, at the orthodontist, the nurse was checking my teeth. She asked me a question while her finger was in my mouth, and when I stupidly tried to reply, I bit her finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2068

You deserved it

421

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By wrongplacewrongtime - United States - San Antonio

Today, l took my new boyfriend to the place where my ex and I used to hook up, only to find out that my ex and his new girl had the same idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19852

You deserved it

58036

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By BrianP - Netherlands

Today, I came home to found all of my belongings out on the street. My roommate, who is also my brother, apparantly neglected to pay his part of the rent, and we got evicted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49422

You deserved it

4024

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By thedullard - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17405

You deserved it

31146

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By Sh*t - Venezuela - Caracas

Today, I was in the shower, when I heard my daughter scream and shout, "Mommy, mommy! Help! Come quick!" I panicked and rushed downstairs without even looking for a towel to cover myself, all so I could find out she'd just gotten a piece of dirt on her shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26655

You deserved it

2872

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By forgottendaughter - South Africa

Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48762

You deserved it

2556

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By someone - United States - Mogadore

Today, my car broke down. I pulled to the side of the road to call a tow truck. After waiting what seemed like hours, the tow truck showed up, and then ran into the back of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47057

You deserved it

2851

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6269

You deserved it

1530

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By Steven Haga - 23/4/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Messy situation

Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

695

You deserved it

107

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28763

You deserved it

2120

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, the police came to my door and told me about a woman who called the cops on me because she said that I had been following her in my car. We were on the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35028

You deserved it

2007

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By wmkaz - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30058

You deserved it

5005

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By ritz - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10504

You deserved it

55952

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43402

You deserved it

3679

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss explained that the company will be letting me go. She got so upset that she couldn't leave her office and I had to console her. I had to make her feel less sad for laying me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31953

You deserved it

2679

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By ohlordhelpmenow - United States

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29427

You deserved it

2674

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while sitting on the couch, my boyfriend came over, pulled his penis out of his fly, and started stabbing me in the face with it while humming the Jaws theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51070

You deserved it

14236

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By tjm - United States

Today, after finally getting a job offer after months of unemployment, I found out that the person who was going to hire me got fired. Which means I'm not getting the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29584

You deserved it

2231

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorktown

Today, I was home alone when I heard the carbon-monoxide detector beeping. Panicking, I grabbed my dog, ran out of my house as fast as I could, and waited outside for 3 hours for my mom to get home. Turned out the detector was just out of batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30360

You deserved it

7625

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By megangubler - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55596

You deserved it

5253

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By Alyce - 10/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Lewistown

Surrounded

Today, my significant other woke at 4:30 a.m. to me crying about a spider in the bathroom. I have an intense fear of spiders; he was super nice and took care of it for me. He even walked me out to my car. I started to calm down driving to work, but when I got there what do I see on the door handle but a spider. I'm still shaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

852

You deserved it

375

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By firedofbirthday - France

Today, I was fired. Why? Because I called in sick on my daughter's birthday, even though you cannot "abandon work for personal affairs". My boss's favorite employee got to skip work on his wife's birthday two weeks ago. He still works here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26154

You deserved it

6898

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By hungry - United States - Waverly

Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14925

You deserved it

2182

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By Zanovitch - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47965

You deserved it

4255

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By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40860

You deserved it

3660

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By jakeeey - Canada - Brampton

Today, I realized that I'm so depressed that I can't even watch porn without getting upset about how I can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40050

You deserved it

10878

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27425

You deserved it

5746

Favorite

By tillybonkers

Today, I helped a guy in a flaming car by busting his window to get him out. I didn't realize until after the crash scene was cleared, that I didn't just have his blood on me, but I also had cut from the window. Round 3 of aids testing here I come. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3047

You deserved it

272

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Top comments

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5634063 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:19

That must have been a pain in the ass.

By Bevspeaks | 11

#5634062 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:18

Well you should have been honest instead of lying, what if he sees you with another guy? That'll hurt him worse than the truth.

COMMENTS

By Bevspeaks | 11

#5634062 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:18

Well you should have been honest instead of lying, what if he sees you with another guy? That'll hurt him worse than the truth.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5634063 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:19

That must have been a pain in the ass.

leogachi | 15

#5634077 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:22

This joke occurs so often that I don't even laugh in my head anymore.

PenguinBitch | 43

#5634088 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:26

Mmkay

By woainishamu | 21

#5634066 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:20

Lol it must have hurt too much.

Accept | 11

#5634114 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:42

I doubt the sex was painful. It was just bad sex.

By daliagrande | 17

#5634069 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:20

If you've liked him for that long then you shouldn't let the sex ruin it. You can always help him get better.

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5634079 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:23

If he's liked him for this long before something came of it, I'm betting OP put him on a pedestal, making his expectations far too high.

DemonNecron | 9

#5634111 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:39

All girls need to think like you haha

By Wolstenholme | 11

#5634072 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:21

Maybe you're just too anal about your sex.

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5634076 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:22

You've probably crushed that guys sex confidence

By Risho96 | 10

#5634083 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:25

Oh well. Now you have 4 options:
1) Admit you lied.
2) Stay perpetually single.
3) Get a girlfriend.
Or 4) Move far, far, away.
Take your pick.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#5634109 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:38

Or stay with the guy and keep trying till he gets better at sex

By DKjazz | 20

#5634084 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:25

That must have really hurt his feelings. FHL.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#5634091 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:28

Not everything is about sex, OP. If you like him, he likes you, and you could have a good relationship, don't let this ruin it. You can find ways to make it better, together.

By thrifting | 18

#5634107 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:37

Did he put it in the wrong hole? Oh wait..