By Anonymous - United States - Saint Joseph

Bad, bad, bad

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for years. There was just one problem: it was so terrible I said, "I think I might be straight" about five minutes in just so it would stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51281

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15596

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Intimacy

Proactive

Commando

Kids

By o.v. - Bangladesh

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16049

You deserved it

47482

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By TimeForACareerChange - United States

Plop

Today, I told a patient that we needed to collect a stool sample. I left the room momentarily to retrieve what the patient would need. He apparently didn't need anything besides the counter in the exam room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25268

You deserved it

2302

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By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Don't touch me, bitch

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks

659

You deserved it

162

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By climber

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4181

You deserved it

356

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By Bl6122 - United States - Lafayette

Today, my mom received a condolence card from my high school's alumni association for my recent passing. I'm still alive! FML

I agree, your life sucks

9070

You deserved it

683

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By LOLOLOLOL - United States - Greensboro

Today, I watched as some idiot made a bad U-turn and I laughed. I then turned into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6382

You deserved it

37579

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By lawoman27 - United States

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad was having an affair on my mom with. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65818

You deserved it

2742

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1503

You deserved it

475

Favorite

By Tom Riddle - Philippines

Today, I was about to go out and get some groceries, but the moment I slammed the door I realized my keys were still inside. My inner caveman instincts told me to immediately break down the door, so now I have to get a doorknob replacement instead of food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5295

You deserved it

2234

Favorite

By tryingtobepretty101 - United States

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27086

You deserved it

8775

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26394

You deserved it

3579

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13032

You deserved it

25292

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, while walking to work, I sneezed so violently that I slipped on a patch of ice and hit the ground hard, badly spraining my shoulder. I lay there in agony as a pair of bystanders just stood there, laughing their asses off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32531

You deserved it

3101

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By Almostlovedchild

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6897

You deserved it

561

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got a paper cut from a 'get well soon' card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41426

You deserved it

5671

Favorite

By the fuck? - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20649

You deserved it

1711

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia - West End

Today, as my brother parked in our hotel's parking lot, I told him to be careful because the car wasn't straight. He retorted, "Yeah, just like you". My mother was in the back seat and heard everything. I hadn't come out yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22678

You deserved it

3046

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By Tibblesthepengwin - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the store to buy a new lego set, only to find there weren't any left in stock. I started crying before I could make it out of the store. Oh, and I'm eighteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11504

You deserved it

46339

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I learnt there's a woman who comes into my store only to hear my Barry White-like voice. My boss knows who it is, yet refuses to tell me because it's "hilarious." I'm now cautious of every customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25308

You deserved it

3282

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By News to Me

Today, I went to switch my phone number to a new carrier. During the credit check, I was told that I couldn't because I already had an active account. This came as a surprise, as I've never had an account with that carrier. Time to file a fraud claim. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3172

You deserved it

154

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By NoOrdinaryNZer - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, an old man, while I was working, asked me to spell average-length words. Confused, I refused. Turns out I was apparently taking too long counting the large amount of small change he'd given to me, and he assumed I couldn't count or spell. I study law, and I've learned basic calculus. Welcome to retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10697

You deserved it

973

Favorite

By Ew. - United Kingdom

Today, after being filled with joy after seeing my very elderly cat finally enjoying the sun in my garden, I skipped over to give her a hug. Turns out she was taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21804

You deserved it

9192

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By noooooooo - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44457

You deserved it

6199

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By silvercity09 - Canada

Today, was my sister's and dad's birthday. I accidentally mixed up the gifts I got for them and my dad ended up with a vibrator. He wasn't very happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18957

You deserved it

63838

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By Loveless - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57358

You deserved it

8168

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By please leave... - United States - Roanoke

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I have problems going when other people are there, so I waited until everyone left. Two girls noticed I was taking a long time, and started giggling and throwing notes under the door asking if I was alive. This continued for half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33067

You deserved it

6301

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By ugh - United States - Athens

Today, while driving home after the legal curfew, I narrowly avoided a police roadblock and backtracked a mile to drive home another way. I then ran out of gas a mile away from my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9948

You deserved it

30755

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By jimmyt420 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30486

You deserved it

16015

Favorite

By chieftain - Norway - T?nsberg

Today, I am defending a client on trial for perjury. She is a sweet girl and the first person I've loved in years, but she keeps doing everything she can to make herself look guilty in front of the jury. Now I'm having a daily crisis of conscience in the middle of the courtroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23154

You deserved it

5650

Favorite

By black hoodie - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I went for a walk. When it started pouring, I ran under the nearest tree for protection. It didn't occur to me that it might look suspicious hiding under a stranger's tree in a black hoodie, until the cops showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44056

You deserved it

5944

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By willconqueror1 - United States

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37189

You deserved it

3471

Favorite

By notnow - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42221

You deserved it

2584

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32585

You deserved it

4141

Favorite

By ineedanewjob - United States

Today, I got all my co-workers motivated. We were all going to quit and walk out the door. I went first. I gave an emotional speech to my boss and threw my uniform to the ground. Then I turned around to to see the rest follow, they all began laughing. They didn't. They WANTED me to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54925

You deserved it

36132

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, the weather was so hot that I couldn't stop sweating profusely while using the restroom. Ever slipped off the toilet seat and hit the floor hard due to ass-sweat? Not a pleasant experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52389

You deserved it

6410

Favorite

By begging for air - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48586

You deserved it

5117

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17329

You deserved it

35545

Favorite

By dumbass - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she lost her phone and not to call or text her. After about three hours, I text her phone, asking if she found it yet. I got a reply, saying "Nope." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46658

You deserved it

5838

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2020 05:00

Afterthought

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1841

You deserved it

178

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23505

You deserved it

9709

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Top comments

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5634063 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:19

That must have been a pain in the ass.

By Bevspeaks | 11

#5634062 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:18

Well you should have been honest instead of lying, what if he sees you with another guy? That'll hurt him worse than the truth.

COMMENTS

By Bevspeaks | 11

#5634062 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:18

Well you should have been honest instead of lying, what if he sees you with another guy? That'll hurt him worse than the truth.

By PenguinBitch | 43

#5634063 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:19

That must have been a pain in the ass.

leogachi | 15

#5634077 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:22

This joke occurs so often that I don't even laugh in my head anymore.

PenguinBitch | 43

#5634088 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:26

Mmkay

By woainishamu | 21

#5634066 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:20

Lol it must have hurt too much.

Accept | 11

#5634114 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:42

I doubt the sex was painful. It was just bad sex.

By daliagrande | 17

#5634069 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:20

If you've liked him for that long then you shouldn't let the sex ruin it. You can always help him get better.

CharresBarkrey | 15

#5634079 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:23

If he's liked him for this long before something came of it, I'm betting OP put him on a pedestal, making his expectations far too high.

DemonNecron | 9

#5634111 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:39

All girls need to think like you haha

By Wolstenholme | 11

#5634072 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:21

Maybe you're just too anal about your sex.

By cuppycakeslove | 20

#5634076 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:22

You've probably crushed that guys sex confidence

By Risho96 | 10

#5634083 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:25

Oh well. Now you have 4 options:
1) Admit you lied.
2) Stay perpetually single.
3) Get a girlfriend.
Or 4) Move far, far, away.
Take your pick.

ydi_4_suking | 20

#5634109 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:38

Or stay with the guy and keep trying till he gets better at sex

By DKjazz | 20

#5634084 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:25

That must have really hurt his feelings. FHL.

By PossiblyInDanger | 24

#5634091 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:28

Not everything is about sex, OP. If you like him, he likes you, and you could have a good relationship, don't let this ruin it. You can find ways to make it better, together.

By thrifting | 18

#5634107 - Monday 19 August 2013 9:37

Did he put it in the wrong hole? Oh wait..