Love: Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would... - FML

By Anonymous1221 - 21/11/2016 07:12

Today, I was told by the guy I've liked for years that he would date me if he was straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 082

You deserved it 1 436

Good kid

Taking stock

Tinder surprise

Mask confusion

By clairebear99 - 08/06/2021 08:01

Today, my coworker screamed at me for once again calling her by a different coworker's name. They have the same hair, skin color, and body type, so I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to tell them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 1 384

By BYUwildchild - 17/12/2010 16:23 - United States

Today, I realized that the fish-shaped birth mark on the back of my leg, that I have had all my life, is not really shaped like a fish as I had originally thought. It looks just like a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 855

You deserved it 3 512

By Tequila - 20/06/2011 16:12 - Netherlands

Today, my bike abruptly stopped working, torpedoing me headfirst into the sidewalk. I lay there in agony for a few minutes, and the only guy who saw it happen said, "Lucky you didn't get hurt!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 521

You deserved it 3 187

By Lizofsmeg - 11/05/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 145

You deserved it 3 203

By Anonymous - 08/10/2013 16:04 - United States

Today, I have to go on a 7-hour-bus ride sitting beside my ex-boyfriend's mother. We broke up because she told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 100

You deserved it 3 206

By carl_carl_ - 25/07/2016 04:17 - United States - Grand Ledge

Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 822

You deserved it 1 505

By Badab1ng - 24/11/2011 06:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 074

You deserved it 4 248

By bitten - 15/05/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 012

You deserved it 2 766

By James - 22/07/2011 05:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity to the woman of my dreams. I finished before entering. I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 787

You deserved it 12 053

Thanks guys

By Anonymous - 05/06/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 302

You deserved it 3 572

By theynamedmeluke - 23/09/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 255

You deserved it 2 853

By Anonymous - 09/06/2019 04:00

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 896

You deserved it 270

By riiiighhhttttt - 05/08/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 614

You deserved it 4 338

By Anonymous - 27/02/2011 05:07 - United States

Today, I started lessons on snowboarding. As soon as I got to the top of the hill, my instructor pushed me saying, "Just believe, it'll come to you!" He said this just before I hit a tree, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 321

You deserved it 3 414

That's that, then

By Anonymous - 12/09/2020 08:02

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my brother having sex. With my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 339

You deserved it 175

By aireun - 09/07/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 231

You deserved it 41 966

Not mine!

By Anonymous - 21/12/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 566

You deserved it 216

By IHateMySister - 02/01/2016 10:36 - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 730

You deserved it 1 336

The nickname that sticks

By ap84 - 27/02/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, after soccer practice, I was walking to the car with my dad. My team mates waved and said "Bye POTHEAD!" They call me that because they think my head is shaped like a pot. Of course, my dad didn't believe me. I'm grounded now because I have an abnormally-shaped head. I've never smoked pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 657

You deserved it 5 609

By Anonymous - 05/08/2014 02:00 - United States - New Ulm

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 772

You deserved it 4 600

By P4ntless - 26/10/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I'm single. Last night, I decided it would be silly to leave my phone in my car before I went to my roommate's brother's birthday party. Highlights of the evening include: Beer Pong, a keg stand, and breaking up with my girlfriend via text message. I don't remember the last one. She does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 547

You deserved it 41 258

Zedonging intensifies

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 23:00

Today, I went downstairs to complain to my landlady that there was no water when I was trying to wash my hair. To which she replied, "No, of course there is water, it's just all going into my swimming pool." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 613

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 16/07/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 356

You deserved it 6 070

By Anonymous - 19/06/2016 20:06 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I declared I was done with online dating after several disasters. My friend set me up with a friend of her husband's. Turns out he's one of the men who rejected me on the website. He laughed when he saw me and said, "Well, this is awkward" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 532

You deserved it 962

By Carrie - 11/01/2009 03:52 - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 502

You deserved it 7 973

By Beeisc00l - 05/10/2011 18:58 - Reserved

Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 543

You deserved it 22 450

By embarrassed - 21/07/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was driving and saw two hot girls on the sidewalk so I rolled down the window to whistle at them. However, I failed to notice that the car in front of me had stopped at a red light. I rear ended the car, the girls ran away laughing their asses off, and now I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 764

You deserved it 117 402

By Anonymous - 09/03/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 684

You deserved it 2 617

An Expensive Snack

By Chihuahuanope - 08/02/2017 19:00 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 843

You deserved it 751

By apparantlyStupid - 27/06/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 300

You deserved it 43 419

By Anonymous - 19/09/2018 13:30

Today, a man easily 30 years older than me said hi in a bar, but I didn’t engage. Apparently that meant "Please rub your junk on my leg." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 422

You deserved it 250

By Tuffgunsmoke - 04/02/2010 07:22 - France

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 713

You deserved it 31 464

By flowerfail - 16/06/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I stepped outside to wait for a cute guy to arrive after arduously preparing for our first date. Just as he rounded the corner, I tripped over the last stair and landed headfirst into my mom's fresh pot of snapdragons. My mom uses compost and manure for her plants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 661

You deserved it 4 955

By Dxxk Biter - 20/02/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 053

You deserved it 673

By Overflow - 16/08/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was desperate to teach my 2-year old to use her potty. I had to pee, and thought maybe she would learn by watching me use it. Everything was going well, until I realized that I had a long pee. So long that it overfilled her potty all over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 229

You deserved it 63 007

By absense - 16/03/2016 07:43 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 512

You deserved it 3 908

The Hulk

By anonymous - 03/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 654

You deserved it 1 616

By Anonymous - 08/10/2009 04:24 - Canada

Today, I was helping my elderly landlady (75 years old) carry in her groceries. She said "Thanks" and then handed me a notice of eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 472

You deserved it 5 264

Awkwaaaaard

By notwhatithought - 21/08/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 218

You deserved it 33 515

By AmySweet - 18/08/2011 21:41 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 413

You deserved it 4 625

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Top comments

damnusernames 12

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:21

Been there. Look at it this way: it has nothing to do with you as person why he can't date you. You're probably great, keep your head up.

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:47

If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather! If you had balls, you'd have a boyfriend.

Comments

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:08

It's always the way. The good ones are gay.

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Monday 21 November 2016 16:05

Then I bet you're 100% straight for sure.

DeMamp 15

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Monday 21 November 2016 17:47

#12 shots fired

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Tuesday 22 November 2016 1:48

Or they say that, to avoid your ugly ass.

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Tuesday 22 November 2016 8:43

Bi, actually and #26, thank you.

Ashamed_Sister 60

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:08

Take it as a compliment.

CaptainObivious1 4

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:21

haha..you deserved it

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:54

Fuck off.

CaptainObivious1 4

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Monday 21 November 2016 15:49

thats not what your lady told me

damnusernames 12

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:21

Been there. Look at it this way: it has nothing to do with you as person why he can't date you. You're probably great, keep your head up.

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Monday 21 November 2016 23:14

Couldn't OP date him by simply, well, saying that she is in fact straight?

DoomedGemini 37

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Tuesday 22 November 2016 4:22

Op is a straight girl. The guy she likes is a gay boy apparently.

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Tuesday 22 November 2016 6:49

Oh shit, I missed that. I thought she said he'd date her if SHE was straight, like he assumed she was gay.

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:27

That's not a FML. The guy you like likes you back, but he's attracted to a gender completely different than yours. It's not his fault, or yours

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:30

Easy. Grow a penis. Problem solved. Happily ever after.

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Monday 21 November 2016 15:05

Assuming that he likes people with penis, vagina and boobs. (You said nothing about removing Vagina and boobs). All in all, I don't think it'll be worth it. Plus, if they do fall apart she would have a very tough time meeting someone new.

burgermike92 17

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Monday 21 November 2016 20:18

Bruh it's called a joke.

species4872 19

Monday 21 November 2016 14:35

Ask for a orange, get a lemon.

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 21 November 2016 14:47

If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my grandfather! If you had balls, you'd have a boyfriend.

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Monday 21 November 2016 18:03

Not really if they're transgender

Internetflakes 13

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Monday 21 November 2016 23:23

Nice analogy.

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Monday 21 November 2016 16:30

The guy you like likes you back, but he's attracted to a completely different gender than yours. It's not his fault, or yours...

my2centsworth 15

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Monday 21 November 2016 19:44

I agree. He seems to really like her; physical attraction is a whole other thing.

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Monday 21 November 2016 19:20

Well... In a way that's good, I guess?

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 2

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 984

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 177