Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is...

By Heidi Jeanette - 14/11/2017 01:30

Today, I learned that my insatiable appetite and sex drive is because I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm married to a woman. We had a threesome one drunken night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 802

You deserved it 4 741

Own it

Stop talking!

So compassionate

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 162

You deserved it 56 398

Criminals

By Jonny - 22/09/2021 20:01

Today, I heard from my little nephews that in school, the father of one of their peers has his arms all covered in tattoos. Their grandpa told my nephews to stay away from people with tattoos, as they were likely criminals and wanting to kidnap children. He doesn't know I have a tattoo in my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 150

By gimpy - 04/01/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 784

You deserved it 2 471

By Kevin - 10/03/2010 08:39 - Canada

Today, my parents took my laptop, cut the Internet, took my car keys and TV, and removed my bedroom door. Why? Because they thought the plant I was growing for my science project was a marijuana plant. Oh yeah, they took that too. My presentation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 366

You deserved it 2 784

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 17:36 - United States

Today, I went sledding with my friends. I said I was tired and didn't want to go, but they press-ganged me into it. I ended up sledding right into a tree, fracturing my leg, and scraping up my entire face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 867

You deserved it 5 425

By Dude - 21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 497

You deserved it 2 925

By IHaveTwoOwies - 06/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 014

You deserved it 371

By pissed_off_girl - 01/04/2013 02:59 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 583

You deserved it 3 223

By joe - 23/06/2013 23:36 - United States - Easton

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 607

You deserved it 8 579

By Brilliant... - 25/05/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 490

You deserved it 5 295

Real life

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 22:59

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 16 months has had an "internet-only" girlfriend since before we got together, but she wasn't ever "real" to him, so he didn't think it would get in the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 87

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 06:25 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I got hit in the face by a ping-pong ball. It hit me so hard, it burst a big zit on impact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 901

You deserved it 3 225

By Anonymous - 29/12/2009 18:52 - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 509

You deserved it 6 861

By Anonymous - 16/05/2019 22:00

Today, I learned how to sharpen a knife. I sharpened it so well that it went through my finger like a lightsaber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 457

By Workhorse - 12/07/2014 21:11 - United States - Athens

Today, my boss called me to inform me that I'm being laid off. In my ensuing fit of rage, I deleted the recent project I've been working on for weeks. Pretty soon after, he called me back to let me know it was a prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 864

You deserved it 17 534

By LC - 23/01/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I invited this guy I fooled around with over to "hang out". He's "en route", so I start to make my bed only to find my cat thought this was the best time to tell me she's sick by throwing up in my bed. I only have one set of linen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 775

You deserved it 7 117

By ccgundum - 01/02/2014 07:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, someone hit my parked car. The impact caused the front of the car to go up onto the sidewalk, and I got a ticket for parking there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 223

You deserved it 3 985

By fd - 16/01/2009 13:36 - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 470

You deserved it 38 288

By Anonymous - 11/04/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, my cat brought yet another chipmunk into our house. She never kills them, so they stay in our house until we either capture them or they escape. So far, she's brought in three squirrels, four chipmunks, four mice, and a snake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 955

You deserved it 7 031

By nutrigrain123 - 23/05/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I was driving in my car with my daughter, who was eating a nutri-grain bar. After a while she holds out her hand saying, "It's on my finger! I don't wanna eat it!" I pick up the little piece of nutri-grain filling and put it in my mouth, only to realize it was a large booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 496

You deserved it 27 518

By a manly woman? - 09/02/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, a girl entered the public washroom I was washing my hands in. When she saw me, she stopped dead in her tracks. I then saw her go to the door to make sure she was actually in the girl's washroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 063

You deserved it 4 947

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 055

You deserved it 4 829

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 20:02

Today, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. All because I’m thinking of moving to the UK next year to study, and apparently, a girl he’s been thinking about for a week is a better option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 662

You deserved it 238

By Anonymous - 09/06/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 419

You deserved it 11 347

By minimum wage - 02/04/2012 08:38 - Canada

Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 259

You deserved it 2 394

By Zeco - 05/02/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, I was driving to work when I was almost hit by a teenage driver. I gave her the finger and shouted "F*** you!" making sure that she heard me. I then saw my boss glaring at me from the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 198

You deserved it 42 080

Check this out

By Anonymous - 30/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to run to put the trash out for the garbage truck, only I was so hungover, I forgot I was only wearing an open dressing gown and no underwear. A few neighbours and passing cars got to see me swinging in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 2 645

By Frenchie - 12/09/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 519

You deserved it 4 305

By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - 01/03/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 319

You deserved it 2 815

By "LovelySB" - 21/04/2019 04:00

Today, while trying to get over all the emotional things I've been going through, I forgot that my bedroom door was open and here my silly behind was dancing in my underwear while my roommate watched on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 671

By ohemmgeee - 31/12/2010 11:11 - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend purposely makes me cry because it makes him feel special. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 036

You deserved it 5 227

By Maggie - 18/03/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 545

You deserved it 3 489

By AngelAshley - 22/02/2010 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I was swimming in the fast lane at the pool. A guy in blue trunks was swimming slowly and really getting on everyone's nerves. I took a break, and looking around I couldn't see him. I turned to the guy next to me and said, "Finally, Mr. Blue Trunks has f**ked off." It was Mr. Blue Trunks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 542

You deserved it 39 682

Scotland and its leccy bills

By ScottishSteak - 27/09/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my local supermarket to get my electricity topped up. Problem is, 2 of the 3 cash machines weren't working. The third was, until I tried to withdraw cash, then nope. The supermarket only accepts cash for meter top ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 275

You deserved it 97

By Wow - 04/09/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 846

You deserved it 3 287

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 858

You deserved it 5 355

By theawfulpresent - 30/01/2013 00:28 - United States - Germantown

Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 348

You deserved it 3 427

By joxerthemighty39 - 01/02/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I had to babysit two kids. I told them to stop fighting, or to sit on separate couches. They stopped. I asked why nobody would sit on the other couch, where I'd been sitting. They told me it was the couch their autistic brother often pees on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 774

You deserved it 3 423

By Lastsecondstand - 06/04/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 264

You deserved it 11 146

By Anonymous - 01/09/2009 07:30 - United States

Today, I'm being evicted from my apartment for not paying rent. My father is the on-site landlord. Meaning I now have to move my stuff downstairs into his place and hear every day how I'm a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 098

You deserved it 45 499

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Top comments

GhostFox 33

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 19:08

At least it was both of you?... your wife should probably take a pregnancy test too, come to think of it. It's probably a good idea to start discussing what your options are now, because I believe that you are too far along for an abortion for anything other than life threatening medical reasons.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 2:05

This is the script Judd Apatow should have used for Knocked Up.

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 2:05

This is the script Judd Apatow should have used for Knocked Up.

Ciela 22

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 2:01

keep it, give for adoption, and/or tell the person

Akitakat 31

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 15:23

This would make a good movie.

GhostFox 33

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Wednesday 25 October 2017 19:08

LordGiblett 26

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 3:05

Assuming the threesome included her wife since it was drunk

xoxoblondee 30

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Wednesday 15 November 2017 1:08

technically, late term abortions are possible. it's risky, but it's doable in some states. however, it's probably not the option to choose. if OP doesn't want to keep the baby, adoption. however, this is a great way to have a baby in a same sex marriage without paying for IVF

manb91uk 22

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 1:54

I bet you’re wishing you’d just had a cucumber now aren’t you?

bogolopian 12

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 1:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Moerighan 23

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 3:14

They are both the female side. Your comment was stupid.

bogolopian 12

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 4:30

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

Danne696 14

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 7:39

Yea, now I'm assuming that you're just a troll, trying to get a rise out of people.

tibtak 20

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 15:44

If she is pregnant, she likely is a female

Glowworm56 25

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 1:59

So, is your wife pregnant too?

DanielleinDC 32

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 2:05

Did it not occur to you to have the third member of your threesome use a condom?

MadiGirl24 18

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 2:30

Could be possible they used a form of protection and it didn't work though- nothing is 100% fool proof.

arioch_fml 20

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 9:23

Broken condom, or they were possibly too drunk to care? who knows without input from the Op.

Mynxie 26

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 3:38

How did you not realize it after not having a period for more than 3 months?

skippydoda 32

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 4:18

Some women don't have regular periods. I have a friend who only has three or four a year. Some women mistake spotting for a period. Many reasons to not know, especially if you aren't trying.

piinksock 17

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Wednesday 15 November 2017 22:17

I call bullshit too. There's no way you can go 5 months and not be suspicious. I've had 4 and I tell you, there's no mistaking it. When shes starving hungry and experiencing changes in libido after sex with a man and it takes 5 months to put 2 and 2 together? A missing period isn't the only indicator of pregnancy.

OrchidKitten 21

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Wednesday 15 November 2017 23:00

I once went 9 months without a period. Throughout the time I was constantly hungry, and horny. I wasn't pregnant though. Just because you have "symptoms" of pregnancy doesn't mean you are. Especially if you naturally have a high sex drive.

electrodude 15

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 4:54

Well that’s a story for when the kid is 18. Oh and congrats ?

MidnaLink 33

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Tuesday 14 November 2017 5:47

Ok, here's my two cents: 1) While it was a drunken threesome, as you say it was, you say we (meaning your wife was present) so there's no indication of cheating on your part (IMHO). 2) As people have said, here and on Facebook, nothing is 100%. You could be on pill and him with condom, and still get pregnant. 3) 5 months is pretty far along for an abortion, so if you can't/won't raise the baby, the adopt out.