Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water, and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML
Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML
Today, I was security at a shopping centre and tried to stop a guy from drinking in public. He told me to fuck off and "go play cops and robbers somewhere else", so I tried to escort him to the security office. He picked me up with one hand and threw me in the fountain. My boss let him go with a warning. I hate my job. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML
Today, my friend whacked me in the family jewels while I was washing my hands in our college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML
Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML
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Top comments
Adula 14
It's one of the wierdest fmls I've ever read on this site.
cmb8280 24
Omg, this just keeps getting better and better! Did not see that ending coming though; FYL.
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Comments (99)
Pleonasm 36
Yea I get that too, where I come from! I work at a retirement home. But you can be sure as hell they didn't get no glass of water or kill my family.
VIPwhenever 15
Haha....wait...O_O.
somecoolperson1 2
... But you sucked their dick :p
andyyroxx 20
So if you make a piss pun urine troubl- NO! MY FAMILY!
Pleonasm 36
No need to act so pissy about it.
andyyroxx 20
But I have a tinkling of a notion that we're in a wee wee bit of trouble...
chanellgymnast 17
This is so weird on so many levels.
karlcolt45 19
“you want more water? what so you can make more piss?? no! no more!"
Bakarra 22
OP slips and falls...POW RIGHT IN THE PISSER. Did i do that right guys? GUYS??
node_fml 5
Wouldn't the inmate be locked down if he pissed all over the floor? Sounds like you guys aren't doing something right where you work.
BrandiLush 31
Inmates do all kind of unimaginable things you would be shocked to know about. That's nothing, when they mix shit and piss, leaving out for a week before they chunk it on you is a better reason to put them in solitary.
node_fml 5
Locking you down and solitary confinement are two different things. I guess if they were in a dorm all they could do is make him bunk up, but maybe the were some where like intake where he wasn't booked in yet.
Tempest151 11
This is so made up.
FarFromSocial 9
It was a trap and you fell for it.