Today, while mopping floors at the police station, an inmate pissed on the floor, demanded that I suck his dick, begged me for a glass of water, and finally informed me that he would kill my family. I said nothing and he started weeping softly. I laughed, but slipped in his piss and broke my arm. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to check up on a 400-pound inmate who was very upset about being locked up. When I got to his cell, he threw one of his own turds at me through the bars. I took a hit. FML
Today, I was carefully drawing blood from a drunk who'd threatened to kill me if I hurt him, when another drunk behind me decided to take a piss on my leg. FML
Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML
Today, I'm sitting in a public toilet when a guy kicks the door in and shoves a police badge in my face, screaming for me to tell him "the path of Lemmiwinks". After a whole minute of me shitting my balls off, he bursts into laughter and tells me I've been pranked. I was too embarrassed to report him. FML
Today, I was security at a shopping centre and tried to stop a guy from drinking in public. He told me to fuck off and "go play cops and robbers somewhere else", so I tried to escort him to the security office. He picked me up with one hand and threw me in the fountain. My boss let him go with a warning. I hate my job. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML
Today, my friend whacked me in the family jewels while I was washing my hands in our college bathroom. While I lay writhing in pain on the floor, a guy at the urinal turned around towards me to see what was wrong. He was still peeing. FML
Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML
Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML
Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML
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Top comments
Adula 14
It's one of the wierdest fmls I've ever read on this site.
cmb8280 24
Omg, this just keeps getting better and better! Did not see that ending coming though; FYL.
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Comments (99)
pussystank 18
Why do you FML people hate puns???
whY402Jay 12
Hope none of it splashed into your mouth.
andyyroxx 20
They don't, you just gotta execute them properly.
KareBear7364 5
now that's a bad day.
Zomg_Okay 27
We hate over-used puns and poorly executed puns. Puns in general? No, we love those.
LoveLamp 13
He's a criminal mastermind, that was his plan all along.
interesting33 37
I don't know the situation and obviously it is quite disturbing for you and you possibly have to put up with a lot of this, but it sounds like this person wasn't quite right in the head. Surely you should have asked him what was wrong or got him assessed or some help rather than just laughing? But then again, I don't know what I would have done.
Lizzy500 16
There's too many inmates like this for that to be feasible. Probably a drunk, hence the stupid running of the mouth and the copious urine puddle. There's also a lot of ways to take "I laughed"-did he laugh in the inmate's face or just chuckle to himself under his breath?
Lizzy500 16
Also I think I've been around cops too long, because I didn't find this FML weird at all.
Fsvb 32
Best thing is to just ignore, like OP did. I would imagine the prisoner was very angry and was trying to react that anger out to someone who he could take on/who was no threat, or he was perhaps trying to impress other people around him.
BrandiLush 31
I've worked in prison too long to think this would be a good day.
andyyroxx 20
And if you point things out, like "Haha, execute. Like the prison executioner. Haha."
Omnomnymous 10
Sweet sweet karma.
buckdharma 38
Let me get this straight he tooka pee, said suck my D, I'm thirsty, need FIJI, or I'll off your family. His duress, you found humorous, slipped in his mess and broke your humerus?
BigSexy123 11
Marry me.