By LonelyStranger - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Time for the ER

Left behind

By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By pandaface - United Kingdom

Today, to wipe his crack, my boyfriend is still using a newspaper that I left there when he first started refusing to buy toilet paper. FML

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By emma - 24/12/2020 05:02

Memory low

Today, while my mom was explaining the house rules surrounding the towels, I took out a notepad and began taking notes. She snatched it away and threw it across the room. I need the notes or else I’ll forget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

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By helpme - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

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By rykelmb - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

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By whatnow - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Nikse - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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By megan - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

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By ohdear - Australia

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

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By suckstosuck - United States - Dana Point

Sexy talk

Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

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By Khrixas_069 - United States

Today, I was about to make love to my girlfriend at the local park when a cop caught us. I had to give him our information and hold a conversation with "Fire and Ice" lubricant on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By puppylove - United States

Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML

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By Moth_Balled - Australia

Today, my wife knelt down in front me to give me a blowjob. As she took my underwear off a moth flew out of them. I've got no idea how it got there but I was cock-blocked by a moth. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 02:01

Delusional

Today, my mom is 100% positive that she saw me meeting up with a stranger and buying some kind of drug from "him." I didn't even pass by anyone on my walk. I went to get dollar store pizza, because I can't afford to buy any decent food this week, let alone drugs. FML

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By alone - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 15:01 - Australia - The Oaks

Sorry, but it's a no

Today, after years of battling mental health and unemployment, I was rejected from a job packing tomatoes. Apparently I'm unsuitable for even the most basic work. FML

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By Jennifer - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By Rednbumpy

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

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By FayBerry88 - 4/7/2020 08:08

People of Walmart

Today, my four-year-old son asked me for a "boobie hug" in Walmart. It's something his dad thinks is cute and I've just gotten used to, so I hugged him without question. From the other end of the aisle, a strange man asked, "Can I have one too?" FML

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By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

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By my_way_1213

Smart kid.

Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML

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By highfive - United States - Dedham

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

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By oopsididitagain - United States

Today, at the coffee shop where I work, my supervisor smelled "something weird, like sulfur." I spent the next ten minutes pretending to look for the source of the smell with her, rather than admit that it had come from me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after having my tonsils removed, I coughed so hard in my sleep that I woke up spitting blood. Turned out I'd ripped my throat. They had to put me to sleep and cauterize the damaged area. Now I'm in even worse pain than before. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out I'm balding faster than my dad. I'm 19. FML

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By steph - United States

Cropped Out

Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all 6 of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML

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By Sid - United States

Today, my dog was barking at a squirrel in the yard. I opened the door to let him chase the squirrel. I went to look at the dead squirrel and found out it was the neighbor's chihuahua. FML

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By Yasha cohen - 30/11/2020 11:01

Shoe gang rise up

Today, right after preparing a gourmet plate of dry-aged steak with freshly cooked mashed potatoes, I stepped on my son's Lego and dropped my plate. I stood there for 5 minutes, crying. FML

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By only 10 more hours to go - United States

Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML

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By dannyfanny - United States

Today, I slipped walking down the stairs. My mom thought I sprained my right ankle. In her haste to get me to the doctor, she grabbed me and accidentally tripped me. I broke my left ankle. The right one was fine. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, an old guy phoned the cops on my daughter because she was drawing with chalk on the sidewalk. Apparently, he thinks it's vandalism. FML

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By kelizabeth - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

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By "Mel Hahn"

Today, I walked out of my boyfriend's house to see my car window smashed in and my steering wheel cover stolen. I was only staying at his place because there had been a rash of vehicle break-ins in my neighborhood. FML

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Top comments

By Figeeyboy | 5

#7863750 - Monday 2 December 2019 11:27

Stop commenting rude things on literally every bloody post on this platform, like why tf you have to be so rude for?

By weeping_willow | 25

#7863687 - Monday 2 December 2019 5:21

You must be in New England!
I got hit pretty hard where I am. Still coming down steadily

COMMENTS

By weeping_willow | 25

#7863687 - Monday 2 December 2019 5:21

You must be in New England!
I got hit pretty hard where I am. Still coming down steadily

By bloopaloop | 27

#7863690 - Monday 2 December 2019 5:32

A lot of babies are conceived during snowstorms. But not yours

Reply

Figeeyboy | 5

#7863750 - Monday 2 December 2019 11:27

Stop commenting rude things on literally every bloody post on this platform, like why tf you have to be so rude for?

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7863878 - Monday 2 December 2019 20:27

Maybe it's a sign from God.

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7863937 - Tuesday 3 December 2019 4:08

Eh it’s okay people suck anyway