Health: Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me,... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 686

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 134

28/12/2011 06:32

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 536

You deserved it 2 108

Mama's boy

There's no helping some people

Another great day to be alive

09/05/2013 07:01

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 751

You deserved it 4 304

27/03/2012 00:17

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 483

You deserved it 4 657

25/02/2016 21:55

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 843

You deserved it 2 403

13/06/2010 09:56

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 219

You deserved it 3 319

14/01/2010 06:59

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 951

You deserved it 24 848

26/03/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 010

You deserved it 276

04/11/2016 03:49

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 932

You deserved it 1 262

The internet hates you

By Anonymous - 28/07/2021 11:01

Today, I had to cancel my vacation in Norway, which I had been planning for 2 months and had cried and stressed over all that time because this was the first vacation I'd ever planned myself. Now YouTube won't stop showing me ads about visiting Norway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 131

29/10/2011 00:44

Today, we were playing dodgeball at school. I tried to duck and jump around so the idiots on the other team couldn't nail me with the ball. Mid-jump, it tore through the air and smashed straight into my ballsack, sending me curling into a fetal position on the floor. I feel like I got sterilized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 002

You deserved it 10 794

11/08/2015 07:43

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 621

You deserved it 1 795

02/02/2010 13:00

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 4 925

25/08/2014 03:27

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 191

You deserved it 5 643

25/08/2011 18:21

Today, I got a mass text message from a friend saying she's sorry she can't meet up with our group of friends for drinks because she's busy tonight. This is the first I've heard of any bar-crawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 325

You deserved it 2 583

Say yes

By fuckingdonuts - 18/05/2015 02:54

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to ask if I wanted to get donuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 949

You deserved it 5 159

05/07/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 214

You deserved it 1 581

Working conditions

By dripdripdrop - 26/01/2010 18:44

Today, it's raining at my work. Not outside, inside. Because our building's boiler broke and all the pipes are dripping with condensation. I have to sit at my desk under an umbrella to protect my laptop and desk phone. The HVAC company said, "Don't worry, this is normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 229

You deserved it 2 153

22/06/2010 13:49

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 135

You deserved it 5 244

30/12/2010 21:37

Spicy

Today, while putting a drip in the back of an elderly patient's hand, he commented that he didn't realise doctors had pierced nipples, but not to worry because he's only in the hospital "for the b*tches". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 383

You deserved it 5 818

01/07/2015 18:56

Spicy

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 730

You deserved it 2 473

22/12/2008 01:44

Spicy

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 497

You deserved it 7 308

17/01/2011 16:46

Today, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 530

You deserved it 3 688

23/02/2012 08:00

Today, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 016

You deserved it 6 566

Yeet the feet

By SalonGirl - 10/03/2009 11:55

Spicy

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 112 987

You deserved it 7 225

28/02/2010 14:26

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he was going to make it to our first child's Christening as there was a football match on at the same time. Without hesitating, he replyed that he would just watch the recording. He meant the recording of the Christening. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 409

You deserved it 6 368

07/03/2015 04:26

Today, I tried shaving my bikini area for the first time. I ended up cutting myself several times. I now have impressive razor burn, and it's incredibly painful to even wear pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 918

You deserved it 6 315

02/09/2010 21:09

Spicy

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 411

You deserved it 14 318

Commando

By Bareital - 03/12/2020 04:01

Today, the same day I decided to stubbornly go commando because my lazy boyfriend hasn’t taken his turn to do our laundry in 4 days was also the day I split my shorts squatting down to pick up my bag at the bus stop. Ten strangers saw my bare asscrack, and two teenagers started cat calling me for my butt tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 1 417

17/07/2016 17:31

Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 224

You deserved it 1 005

04/09/2011 06:18

Today, I was eating a brownie my grandmother had made, only to discover an inch long piece of what resembled dead skin in the middle of it. This discovery was only made after taking a bite and wondering why the consistency was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 072

You deserved it 2 464

02/10/2016 17:32

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 068

You deserved it 834

09/08/2017 19:30

Today, I started to fill out a job application online, with age being one of the first things I put in. After half an hour and 40 questions, I hit submit. I was then told that I wasn't old enough to apply. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 088

You deserved it 392

15/02/2011 14:31

Spicy

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 816

You deserved it 7 429

13/04/2017 13:02

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 483

You deserved it 2 145

25/08/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 034

You deserved it 201

18/07/2011 10:07

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 805

You deserved it 4 521

04/10/2012 03:14

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 443

You deserved it 33 958

26/12/2014 01:24

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 684

You deserved it 4 206

18/07/2017 05:00

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 861

You deserved it 305

21/12/2011 06:18

Spicy

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 012

You deserved it 6 297

26/10/2013 00:49

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 188

You deserved it 5 335

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Top comments

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:02

Shoulda put the toilet on mute before flushing, be more considerate now

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:02

Don't flush it next time. Leave a surprise for her in the morning!

Comments

aaronfuegopop 7

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:01

Wow. Sucks.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:02

Shoulda put the toilet on mute before flushing, be more considerate now

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:11

***the iToilet

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:13

Or used a trash can and gave her the bag...

miserypoison 13

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:27

Make sure the firmware is above 4.2 or else the vomit won't be compatible with iToilet's iOS.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 14:18

After her speech you should have just puked right on her for a good morning to her :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:50

iOS 5 has a better flushing system. And it will link toilets in your house together in the Iseptic

chlorinegreen 27

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:57

At least you made it to the toilet...

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 17:51

Chlorinegreen- you're killing the vibe

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 17:56

Everyone has been gettin sick around where I live. I was throwing up last night also. It freakin sucks.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 22:05

50- you wouldn't have that problem with an itoilet. They don't get viruses. But they're expensive

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 23:21

63- I will have to look into that.

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Thursday 29 December 2011 2:08

Make sure you read the terms and conditions first though. Bad things have happened to those who didn't

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Thursday 29 December 2011 2:36

69- I appreciate the warning

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Friday 30 December 2011 3:23

Oh that's fine don't use the iToilet use the iShitNoMore. Not as satisfying but it works all the same.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:02

Don't flush it next time. Leave a surprise for her in the morning!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:06

Damnit..you beat me to it...FUUUUUUUU

Jaxx66 21

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 15:48

Or instead of leaving her a surprise you can go to the kitchen sink and run the garbage disposal for as long as you want. But put other things in it too, so it's noisier.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 21:22

Something similar happened to me, and she locked me out of the house for an hour. I had the flu, and threw up all outside of the house, then passed out.

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:03

good morning?

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:04

madness is like Gravity,,all you need is a little push,,JOKER (Dark Knight)

shannonreneee 11

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 14:28

Type like a normal person!

Jaxx66 21

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:10

I was thinking more along the lines of: "Choose a quote that fits the situation" But maybe that's just me.

thisisafunnyname 12

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:13

"this is a quote that fits the situation" -wiz khalifa

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:45

"I like turtles" Jonathan the zombie

flockz 19

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:51

"that beaver should not be on my nuts." -Samuel L Jackson

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 19:41

"I like trains." - I Like Trains Kid

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 21:24

I had a puppy named Adolph. He had kittens! -the Retarded Policeman

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Monday 9 July 2012 5:51

5- yes! Just yes

ElectricGhost_fml 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:04

she should be thankful you didn't throw up on her face when she was yelling at you!

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:04

Well you've should tell her: Better out than in

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:09

she needs to discover mercy towards others ...woweee

MRSMOJORISIN_fml 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:14

You should start flushing the toilet over and over again. Just to get back at her :)

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:18

[Insert picture of starving children in third world countries without access to clean drinking water here]

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:17

Sounds like something a crazy mother-in-law would do in order to attempt to break up your relationship...

murdersquirrel 15

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:36

Except for the fact that that would be a different situation almost entirely.

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Thursday 29 December 2011 0:16

The only way it is similar in circumstance is that the villain has a vagina.