Today, my daughter must be punishing me for something. She's dating a boy who dropped out of high school to “escape the system” and yet loves collecting unemployment benefits, and refuses to read books because he hates not knowing what the characters really look like. FML
Today, my girlfriend has yelled at me multiple times for saying sorry too much. It's involuntary, due to me constantly being told I never do anything right growing up by my parents. She knows this, and is even then one who helped me realize this, and still yells at me for it. FML
Today, I finally got the balls to ask the girl of my dreams out, but all I could talk about was my two cats. FML
Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML
Today, my supposed "best friend" started going out with the girl I'd just split up with, immediately after she said she wanted to see other people. FML
Today, as I was saying bye to my girlfriend, I said, "See ya later, alligator." She took offense because she thought I was calling her ugly. FML
Today, after three months of hooking up and talking about dating, the man I was supporting emotionally went back to his ex, who'd reduced the restraining order on him to a no abuse order so they could be together. He left me in his bed to go be with her. FML
Today, I went to the local street fair and ran into my boyfriend of five years. He was with his girlfriend of ten years. We both had no idea about each other. His family knew we both existed, and never said a word. FML
Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML
Today, my mother found out that my fiancée broke up with her last boyfriend because she didn't want kids and he did. She's now demanding that I either change her mind, or call things off with her. FML
Today, after my husband got ready for work, he touched my arm and slowly bent down. I assumed he was going to say he loved me and to have a good day. As I quickly thought of a loving response and prepared to give him a kiss, he whispered in my ear, "Did you put a dead mouse in the toilet?" Thanks a lot, cat. FML
Today, while talking to the girl I have a crush on, I bragged how people tell me I have a voice for radio. She responded, "And the face for it too." FML
Today, my ex-husband got married to my daughter. She’s 18, a high school dropout, and pregnant with his child. She strongly believes she’ll have a bright future with him. FML
Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML
Today, I wrote a song for my ex-girlfriend, hoping maybe we could give it another try. I emailed it to her and went about my day, wondering if she would respond. About six hours later, a deputy knocks on my door and serves me with an order of protection. FML
Today, I asked my husband how much he loved me and he refused to answer, because he was convinced I was using some unfair logic to start an argument, simply because I wanted to argue over something, anything. I later realised he was probably right. I’m an awful person. FML
Today, my best friend got engaged. I would be happy for her, if it wasn’t for the fact that her fiancé was my boyfriend just 2 months ago. Upon hearing the news, I severed all ties with her. She ended up bitching me out and calling me selfish for being upset. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a choice between me and the super creepy, codependent, almost Norman Bates relationship he has with his mother. Guess which he chose. FML
Today, my fiancé called off our engagement when my doctor told me that I was infertile. Apparently, I’m now “useless” to him. When I mentioned adoption, he basically compared it to suggesting Pepsi when you want Coke. Seriously? FML
Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when I asked him to go brush his teeth, since his breath stank. He went back to playing video games. FML
Today, I learned that my fiancée copied my house key early into our relationship. The reason being is that in case I were to catch her cheating, which I did, she could come in and trash my place when I called off the wedding. FML
Today, my dad tried to hook me up with someone. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't my cousin. FML
Today, I found ladies knee-high socks that weren't mine. I don't even own a pair of knee-high socks. After bickering back and forth with my boyfriend, he said, "Actually now that you mention it, I thought they were yours and I put them there." FML
Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets for his birthday to see our favorite band, and he told me he doesn't feel he loves me. FML
Today, my wife informed me that she hates having sex with me, and only married me because I was dark, trim, and handsome, but now I'm just gray, fat, and soon to be single. FML
Today, I realized I agreed to go to the gym with my fiancé after being on my feet at work all day because he wants to get fit, but he will not help me remodel the house I’m working on so we can have a bigger place to live, because he doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want or need to go to the gym. FML
Today, while out shopping, my fiancé started talking to a cashier in a flirty manner as if I wasn't there, and casually referred to me as his housemate. I felt my heart break, but I'm too weak to bring it up with him. FML
Today, my chunky boyfriend told me that he'd be less attracted to me if I gained weight. I have low self-esteem. FML
Today, I had to tell my 30 year-old boyfriend to take a shower, or else he won't for a week. FML
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