Today, whilst nibbling on my husband's ear, I swallowed a lump of his earwax. FML
Today, my new boyfriend told me he was having a “swamp day”. Apparently, it’s a day where for some reason, no matter how thoroughly he wipes his ass, he will need to wipe it again every 30 minutes, as shit continually leaks out of him and turns his ass crack “swampy.” I think I threw up a little. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML
Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML
Today, I would understand if my mom left the stove a bit greasy after cooking, because it’s too hot to wipe down right away. What she actually does is she leaves the stove HAIRY. FML
Today, I noticed some of my thongs were stretched out and now hung loose on my hips. I thought it might be the dryer set too hot but no, apparently my mom has been wearing them over her fat ass, and thought I wouldn’t mind since we occasionally share our hoodies. Not the same thing mom. GROSS. FML
Today, I found out that I have mice because my landlady got rid of the community cats that were keeping them outside, and apparently my cats aren't taking care of them. I found out when I turned on my oven and my apartment was filled with an awful smell that turned out to be burning mouse crap. FML
Today, I just moved into my second apartment after the first one was infested with fruit flies, which were coming out of cracks in the floor. We discovered they had tried to cover this fact up so we'd move in. Guess what this new one has? Bed bugs. I asked if there was a history of bug problems and they said no. Lies. FML
Today, I found actual poop inside the washing machine. Gotta love roommates… FML
Today, I told my dad I wasn’t feeling well, to which his response was to interrupt me and say, “Nope. Not buying it.” I have never faked an illness in my life, and this time I vomited in front of my entire class. FML
Today, I accidentally sharted during sex with a guy I’ve been seeing. I was seriously embarrassed, but he was excited about “new territory we can explore together.” FML
Today, my boyfriend took me home to have dinner with his parents. I couldn’t eat a single bite after watching his mom let her three dogs taste all the food off her hands, while she also licked her own fingers while cooking. Later on, he dumped me for being rude and “too high maintenance." FML
Today, I’m proud and happy for having used my bike instead of my car for almost two months. Well, I was. Until I discovered that my car, though clean, dry and with a moisture absorber inside, has started to grow mold. Everywhere. FML
Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML
Today, my friend is mad at me because last night at the midnight show, I “left him there” when he was drunk and thought it would be funny to take a dump in the theater. FML
Today, like every other day, if you are sick before or during work, you immediately get sent to get COVID tested. I don’t think my sickening pregnancy hormones need COVID testing, just fresh air away from my coworker who has sulfur running through his ass. FML
Today, after a particularly nasty bout of diarrhea, I somehow managed to get poop on the ceiling. I still don’t know how it ended up there, and I’m too short to reach it. FML
Today, while at a restaurant, I watched in horror as my daughter picked a hair out of her food and continued eating it. FML
Today, someone sent me disgusting private pictures, all because he asked if I wanted to swap pictures and I said sure, but I didn't think it was a different type of picture and not just selfies. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I did a 69 for the first time and I was on the bottom. When she orgasmed, not only did she fart, a bit of poo came out with the fart, and actually went up my nose. I’ve gone through a whole box of tissues blowing my nose, but I can still smell it. FML
Today, just like the past 10 days, I have COVID. Today was also the day my body decided to betray me. I threw up and simultaneously shit myself for the first time since I was in diapers. FML
Today, the cockroach infestation at my house has gotten so bad that I can now tell the difference between male and female cockroaches. FML
Today, after my girlfriend made a huge dinner, we got frisky. About 15 minutes in, I threw up the dinner she made, all over her. She hasn’t talked to me since. FML
Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML
Today, I had to clean cum from one of the seats of the movie theater where I work at as a cleaner. FML
Today, I heard a woman moaning while I was walking on a sidewalk. I didn't mind, until someone dropped a recently-used condom on my head. FML
Today, I work maintenance at a warehouse store. I had to clean the men's stall because someone had pooped on the seat, the floor, and got some on the wall. When I took my break, I noticed that my fellow maintenance coworker had poop on his pants and shoes. I then realized that I just cleaned up his “mess.” FML
Today, my roommate stunk up the entire floor again with his rancid bathroom trips from spicy foods so much that I ended up wearing a t-shirt over my nose just to play video games in my own room. He gets offended when I tell him to open the bathroom window to vent it out. If only I owned my own home… FML
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