Today, while drinking and catching up with a ex that I still love, she invited a guy over, flirted with him right in front of me, then went home with him, When I messaged her to say I found it disrespectful as fuck, she replied with sorry, she didn’t mean to hurt me, and that she misses me. FML
Today, my boyfriend met my mom and started acting strange. Then my dad came in and was instantly furious. Apparently, my boyfriend is the guy my mom cheated with that caused my parent's divorce. He’s 3 years younger than I am. Gross mom, just gross. Also I’m single again, damn it. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend is now dating my cousin, and he's stopped hanging out with me for her. FML
Today, I messaged my sister on Facebook chat. We always start our conversations with, "HEY SLUT" or, "HEY WHORE" etc. It wasn't my sister. However, her boyfriend's mom has a great first impression of me. FML
Today, I was very tense as I sat in the chair for my gyno appointment, so the doctor repeatedly told me to relax, in order for her to do the routine exam. I then overcompensated and relaxed so much, I accidentally farted in her face. FML
Today, my date saw me naked, and was disgusted that 1. I shaved my pubes into a landing strip instead of completely bald, and 2. I missed a few hairs below my knee while shaving my legs. His actual words as he was half out the door were that he "wanted Princess Leia, not Chewbacca." FML
Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML
Today, I learned the news about Queen Elizabeth in the most awkward way possible. My friend suddenly came into my house and shouted, "THE QUEEN IS DEAD!" It scared me so badly that I spit my drink out all over his clothes. Then I took another drink and spit it out again when I realized who he was referring to. FML
Today, I thought I was suddenly having insulin problems due to my medical conditions. Turns out, every 4 weeks, your ovaries can just decide to make your blood sugar drop, even if you're transitioning. FML
IHaveThePower tells us more.
So since this was mine, quick question: I'm hormonally intersex. So was I born male or female? (Let us all mock the misogynist for not knowing about intersex people, sexual variation in nature, or biology)
Today, my boyfriend and I were finishing in the bedroom; he pulled out and finished on my stomach. Then he figured that was the time to quote Shrek, saying, "Better out than in I always say." FML
Today, I'd like to thank the genius who scheduled my class in a building which is actively being torn down. FML
Today, I was refused service at a bakery, got yelled and cussed at to the point of tears, and told to go back to my home country, Ukraine. According to the guy, my people are Nazis who spent the past year draining Americans of their tax dollars to fund their war. I couldn’t report him, he was the owner. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML
Today, my fiancé broke up with me, because he was mad I was worried about him due to him not answering me for ten hours. FML
Today, I found out my awesome new boyfriend loves a show called Happy Tree Friends, about cutesy animals dying horribly. When I say "loves", I mean he masturbates to it. I'm running very fast and very far away now. FML
Today, I come home from work to my bedroom to find all my husband’s stuff gone. There was a note in the dresser, with his wedding band, that read, “I hope you can take a hint. Sorry.” Not only was I dumped, and I can’t locate him anywhere, but I now have to cover his part of the mortgage which I can’t afford. FML
Today, I was at a very important music competition. When we'd rehearsed the song in question, the conductor said we were to repeat the last four bars of the song three times. As I went to play the third time, the whole orchestra stopped playing. I kept playing by accident and we came in third because of my mistake. FML
Today, I’ve been growing dreads for two years after I lost my hair to chemo. After visiting my boyfriend’s family, we all contracted lice from the kids. Even though I did the shampoo and treatment, my locks are too coiled to effectively comb out all the nits. I have to shave my head again. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at dinner, which would’ve been nice if we hadn’t been dating for only two months, and dinner was at Subway. FML
Today, I was called a paedophile and was physically attacked, because I parked in a spot directly next to a McDonald’s outdoor play area and sat there for a while. I was waiting for my drive-through order, in the spot where the staff told me to wait. FML
Today, I like it rough in bed and found the perfect lover to have fun with. Now I have to choose between going to work fully covered while it's 35°C and sweat like a pig, or to go lightly dressed and show a VERY suspicious amount of marks on my body. FML
Today, my parents kept overreacting over stupid stuff during dinner. I found a hair in a dish, so I removed it myself. My mom goes, "Is that a hair? Is it?! I'll get rid of it!" I told her that I'd already done it myself. Then, because I bit my nail once, my dad constantly kept asking if I was OK, even though I'd said I was. He wouldn't stop! FML
Today, and since we moved on base, my neighbor’s wife has tried to have an affair with me. I got tired of it and told him. He blew smoke. I found out she’s in a cheating wife’s club, who all defend each other. She proclaimed to all our neighbors that I’m a predator and I'd attacked her. They believe her instead of my wife, who saw everything. FML
Today, during a family visit, my wife pulled me into the bedroom and told me to talk dirty to her, while there was a risk of being caught. It's her kink, not mine. Her sister must have overheard us because I woke up in hospital. She thought I was secretly abusive and brained me with my own walking cane. FML
Today, I realised that I still don't know what to do with my life, since my parents have taken decisions for me my entire life, and are forcing me to a field of study which requires enormous amount of dedication and years, which I have no interest in, but still have to do because I don't know what else to do. FML
Today, my girlfriend's bastard ex whispered in my ear that, "She used to suck my cock with that mouth, think about that the next time she tries to kiss you." Now it's all I can picture every time she kisses me, and it's lowkey disgusting, and turns me off. FML
Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his roommate finding out I'd spent the night. FML
Today, the smoke alarm went off while I was in the shower. Fearing a house fire, I jumped out and ran out, wearing just a tiny towel that barely covered my modesty, only to realize that water was coming through the ceiling and on to the smoke alarm, via a leak in the shower tray. FML
Today, I wore a t-shirt that had a rainbow-ish multicolored design when I went to drop off my daughter at school. Another parent threatened to “call the authorities” on me for wanting to “poison” children with “f**got memorabilia,” and to “stop pushing my agenda” on them. I’m a straight dude. FML
Today, my cousin tried to hit on me. I told him that was inappropriate and pushed him off me. He was offended when I went to tell my folks. All they said was, “That’s fine. You should’ve let him.” Um, what? FML
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