Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML
Today, I went to the park and sat down on a bench to enjoy my coffee. I heard a few young girls behind me talking about how their first experience of sex was. I turned around to see how old these girls really were. One of them was my daughter. FML
Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML
Today, I was woken up by my family surrounding me with breakfast in bed and "Sweet 16" balloons. My birthday is in 3 months, and I'll be 17. FML
Today, I told my mom I broke up with my boyfriend because he wanted to have sex and I wasn't ready. Her reply? "Well, you can't stay a virgin forever." FML
Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML
Today, while in my doctor's packed waiting room, an elderly woman insisted I take her seat. I thanked her, but politely declined. She began to yell, saying I was "ungrateful", until I sat down. She then left, laughing, as I discovered that she peed in the chair. Apparently, she does this often. FML
Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML
Today, I discovered that I can fit back into the clothes I wore in High School. I was proud of this until my husband told me that I look like a stuffed sausage in them. FML
Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML
Today, my coworker returned the camera I lent her. After plugging the camera into my PC, I saw a file was still on it. Wanting to make sure I didn't delete something important, I opened it. To my horror, it was a video of my coworker pleasuring herself. She's old enough to be my mother. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom, when someone came up behind me. Instead of waiting for a urinal to free up, he wedged his way in between me and another guy, and promptly began peeing in my urinal, crossing streams in the process. FML
Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML
Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML
Today, I joked with my dad, saying I'd gotten my boyfriend pregnant. In response, he slapped me, threw my phone across the room, smashed my laptop, and then took a moment for what I'd said to sink in. FML
Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML
Today, I dropped my Blackberry, but thanks to the protective gel case that I just purchased for it... it bounced and fell right into a sidewalk drainage sewer. FML
Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML
Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML
Today, while bending over to get the brownies I was making out of the oven, my husband slapped my butt. I fell into the oven. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth pulled. My usually detached and unromantic boyfriend rushed right over after work with flowers and movies. A little while later, he admitted excitedly that he'd heard the numbing medication also works on gag reflexes and wanted to test the theory. FML
Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML
Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML
Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML
Today, I was running a marathon. I stopped to massage my stiff legs, when an elderly spectator taunted, "Oohhh yeah, that's it! Massage those legs good, boy!" She looked about 70. FML
Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML
Today, I locked myself in the bathroom and started spanking the ferret. I started to get really into it when my dad started pounding on the door and yelled, "Son, that's great staying power, but can you finish up already?" FML
Today, I puked up a centipede. FML
Today, when I weighed myself on my scale, it broke. FML
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