Choose the period

Choose a category

Today, driving to work, I stop to let an old man cross the street. The driver behind me honks their horn, so I decide to drive slow to piss them off. A few turns later, I pull into the car park and notice the other driver following me. She works in the office next to mine. We met the other day. FML

by Hellasboy / 08/01/2015 at 12:56pm / Australia (Queensland) / Transportation

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

by housebroken / 01/22/2010 at 1:17am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I typed an essay on my friend's computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject "here bitch" as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn't change the subject name. FML

by Brittany / 03/01/2009 at 3:00pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

by wifeofafainter / 09/24/2015 at 2:31am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

by not twilight / 12/04/2015 at 7:47pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was working customer service at a large grocery store. I recently got a small, tasteful septum piercing that is barely visible. As I greeted a customer, she began to gag, held out her hand as though she was fending me off, and said, "I can't. Your nose ring makes me sick." FML

by a_dani365 / 07/06/2015 at 5:37pm / United States (Nebraska) / Holidays

Today, after months of running up four flights of stairs to what I thought was the only male restroom in the building, I found another one. It's always been just around the corner from my desk. FML

by fleckney26 / 10/01/2015 at 10:43am / United Kingdom / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my fiancé's mom was driving me to the store to pick up my wedding dress. A few minutes into the drive, she said the car's tank was nearly out of "Jews" and that she'd have to give it "a whole lotta gas", then chuckled to herself. She's well aware that I'm Jewish. FML

by Anonymous / 04/16/2016 at 2:01am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 7:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

by elena02 / 11/21/2015 at 2:45pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

by whinywiper / 05/25/2012 at 11:10am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing with my four year old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/24/2012 at 8:59am / United States / Kids

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

by billiams15 / 05/06/2012 at 5:57pm / United States (Texas) / Health