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Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

by apaterra / 11/07/2015 at 9:14am / United States (District of Columbia) / Work

Today, I asked my wife if she would like a cup of tea. She responded with divorce papers. FML

Today, I was telling my sister about the stupid sorts of questions I get asked at work. She looked at me and said "I give you five years until you turn into a raging, chain-smoking corporate bitch." My mom agreed. FML

by ams / 03/12/2010 at 8:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, I went to my favorite bar after work for a drink. On my way to the porch out back, I didn't realize the sliding glass door was shut, and walked straight into it. I was stone cold sober, but the bartender refused to believe me, and cut me off before my first beer. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2012 at 12:03am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2012 at 1:39am / Australia (Tasmania) / Love

Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML

by hellbound / 07/12/2013 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was telling my younger brother and sister how important it is to know how to use a knife properly : while slicing potatoes. Just as I was saying how stupid people can be with knives, the potato slipped on the counter. I sliced open my hand while talking about knife safety. FML

by nessacadesa / 03/24/2009 at 12:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

by BudmaudeY / 03/31/2011 at 4:53pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Health

Today, I realized that the reason there is no toilet paper in the house is because both my parents are too stubborn to be the one who goes out to buy more. It's been five days. FML

by whinywiper / 05/25/2012 at 11:10am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband's daughter told us that she's 5 months pregnant. I'm going to be a step grandmother and I'm only 23 years old. FML

by Anonymous / 10/26/2009 at 12:27am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I was walking on my crutches towards the bus through the rain. The bus driver looked into my eyes, punching the button to close the doors while I was still a few meters away. As he drove off, he kept his eyes on me, while I had to wait for another 15 minutes for the next bus in the rain. FML

by shaft2112 / 12/03/2015 at 3:19pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Transportation

Today, my dog managed to get into our cabinet and eat an entire bag of hershey kisses. Now she is puking all over the house and outside too. When I called the vet to tell her about it, she said that it was normal, and to call her back when it was "coming out the other end." FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2010 at 7:01am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, I organized a romantic evening with one of my old squeezes in the hopes I may re-ignite something special. She showed up at 8 and told me she had to leave by 9. She was gone by 8:30. FML

by LDL / 01/26/2009 at 5:56pm / United States (Connecticut) / Love