Today, my boyfriend made me cut a hole into the crotch of my pants so that he could discreetly fuck me in the room next to his mother's. FML
Today, I sent a text to my best friend venting about how terrible my date was going. I called the guy I was with a "clueless idiot." I sent it to my date instead of my friend. He responded with, “I’m sitting right in front of you.” FML
Today, I joined a video meeting 5 minutes early and spent the time quietly complaining about one of my coworkers to my friend. When the meeting started, I realized my microphone had been on the entire time. Said coworker was the first person to say hello. FML
Today, a service that provides me with pictures of pretty women logged me out. I don't remember the password, it's not saved on my phone, and they don't have a facility to reset it. Now I must make a new account and start my collection again. FML
Today, I sent an email to my professor requesting an extension for my assignment, using the tired old excuse that my "grandmother died." Instead, I sent it to my grandmother, who then called my dad on my family's landline in tears. FML
Today, the woman I love, who rejected me countless times, got a boyfriend. Bitter about it, I post on my Instagram Story: “I could have been your love bug, but apparently you’re into roaches.” She posted a story of them kissing, saying, “I love my roach so much!” FML
Today, I accidentally shared the pictures about my date with my side chick on my main stories instead of my “Close friends” list, where I'd excluded my girlfriend. I realized this when all my stuff was sitting outside our apartment when I got home. FML
Today, I felt motivated to eat healthier, so I bought a bunch of vegetables. When I got home, I ordered some Burger King, all because I didn’t want to "waste the vegetables by cooking them wrong." Now the veggies are inevitably going bad in the fridge while I wait for my delivery. FML
Today, I confidently told my friends I had a high spice tolerance and took a shot of insanely hot ghost pepper sauce. I immediately hiccuped, tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I coughed so hard I fell off my chair and knocked stuff off of the table. We were in a restaurant. FML
Today, I found out I am pregnant. I hooked up with my step-dad not that long ago while my mom was out of town. I'm 30 and he wants to tell my mom my baby is his, and I like the idea of telling her, but also know she won’t take it well. FML
Today, my obsession with Polish women tried to "graduate" and become my religion. The obsession I had caught from hearing other dudes' ethnic fetishes online was about to become the start of a New Religious Movement. Now I'm stuck with the realization that I have an incredibly cringey brain. FML
Today, my dad was making a sandwich in the kitchen. Hungry, I snuck in and grabbed it, running back to my room and devouring it. Later at dinner, he dumped a whole scoop of rice in my lap. We all ended up laughing as we cleaned it. FML
Today, my neighbors heard me when I was yelling to an AI model for not following instructions. FML
Today, I took my car to the automatic wash for the first time in years. I didn’t realize you’re supposed to remember to close the sunroof. I now own a freshly-cleaned car interior, soaked seats, and one very wet, traumatized dog. FML
Today, I took the piss out of my younger brother for spending money on “fake internet clothes” in video games. Last week I spent 3 hours researching the perfect ergonomic office chair and paid extra for “limited edition fabric.” I'm apparently one financial decision away from becoming the exact nerd I used to bully. FML
Today, I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a picture that my boss’s girlfriend posted. I walked into his office and said, “DUDE! You gotta set me up with that hot chick in the Facebook photo with you and your girlfriend! I would totally hit that!” It was his daughter. FML
Today, after my ex helped me drop over a hundred pounds, I broke up with him because I looked and felt so much better, and knew I could do better. Turns out he was the only thing keeping me slim, as I've put back on over twenty pounds. I asked him to take me back and he told me to fuck off. FML
Today, I'm not sure if this even qualifies as a confession, but here goes: I'm weirdly but genuinely disappointed that my celebrity crush used to get naked on screen. Somehow my delulu brain had convinced itself she was a proper lady 24/7, on and off screen. FML
Today, I tried to microwave a leftover burrito. I forgot to remove the foil it was wrapped in. The microwave went into overdrive in a dramatic display of sparks, the fire alarm went off, and I had to convince the neighbors at my door not to evacuate their apartments. I still haven’t eaten. FML
Today, I have a dilemma. I was really upset when Charlie Kirk was shot, and yelled at people who made fun of his death. However, I find the Kirkification memes edgy and funny, but I can't take part because I would be called out for being a hypocrite or worse. I don't want to get kirked. FML
Today, I found out I’m pregnant. My fiancé was beaming with joy. However, I’m not sure if he’s the father because I recently had hate sex/quickie with my ex-boyfriend, who is also my coworker. I wish the Earth would swallow me. FML
Today, I received a package and confidently told the delivery guy I didn’t need to sign because it was “hands-free these days.” He stared at me, pointed at the giant screen that clearly required a signature, and said, “Not for this one.” I scribbled in shame. FML
Today, I brought a girl back to my place. She commented on how neat and clean everything was for a bachelor. I absentmindedly said, “Yeah, my mom comes over and cleans three times a week.” She made a face like I'd just told her I eat puppies or something, then made an excuse to leave. FML
Today, I was in a parking lot, doing donuts in my dad's car to rizz some baddies. It was going great until some dumbass got in the way and got launched twenty feet. I panicked, lost control of the car, and smashed into a decorative tree. FML
Today, a girl I’m going out with asked me, “Where is this going?” I told her to just go with the flow and that I didn’t believe in titles. Later that night she posts an Instagram story of her on a date. I texted her about it and she said, “Why are you mad? You said you don’t believe in titles.” FML
Today, I got reprimanded at work for calling off when I wasn’t sick. Apparently someone at the store saw me making online videos. What a great day to try starting my influencer brand. FML
Today, I got broken up with yet again by my on-and-off ex-girlfriend. I had ended things with an amazing girl I was seeing just to go back to my ex. She'd made it clear that if things went wrong with my ex, I wasn't allowed to pursue her again. I tried to hit her up again anyway, but she told me to “take a short walk off a pier.” FML
Today, I forgot the golden rule when having windows open on your computer: always check which one you are typing in before hitting Enter to send. Me detailing my plan to fake a doctor's appointment for an extra day off to who I thought was my girlfriend means I now have to explain my miraculous recovery to my boss tomorrow. FML
Today, I was on the phone with tech support for over an hour, getting increasingly frustrated. After finally fixing the issue, I sarcastically said, "Thanks for nothing, genius," thinking I'd hung up the call. Turns out, I hadn’t. The tech guy coolly replied, "You’re welcome, genius." FML
Today, we were heckling a friend who showed up to skate wearing a helmet, laughing at him for not being confident in his skating. I go to stunt so I can mog him, slip, and wake up in the hospital with stitches and a killer headache. Mogged by a helmet wearer. FML
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