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Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

by Screwed / 04/22/2009 at 1:46pm / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the airport to pick up my long distance boyfriend. Having waited six months for this, I was stoked. After waiting for three hours and sending numerous messages, I was eventually informed I was a week early. FML

by Anonymous / 07/02/2012 at 11:45am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, I had to listen to Lou Bega's 'Mambo Number 5' on constant replay for 3 hours, because my little sister was trying to learn a dance for a recital. It would have been even longer than 3 hours, but she then realized that she was dancing to the wrong song. FML

by Anonymous / 07/14/2015 at 1:00pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized just how bad my problem with making eye contact is, when I caught myself looking the other way when the singer in a music video looked directly at the camera. FML

by suhleedah18 / 04/24/2012 at 2:49pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend to marry me, because it's a leap year. He is now avoiding me for fear that I was serious. FML

by CptZoe / 02/29/2012 at 1:10pm / United Kingdom (Rotherham) / Love

Today, my slightly batshit insane grandma called me disgusting and unladylike. Why? For writing with my left hand. FML

by lefthandspanker / 08/27/2015 at 12:34pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

by branded / 05/14/2009 at 3:57pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

by Shenza / 06/17/2012 at 8:34am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2010 at 9:45am / United States (New York) / Work

Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

by Squid / 11/07/2012 at 12:11am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML

by Catsfordays / 08/20/2015 at 2:02am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2010 at 9:51pm / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

by Florida_1827 / 01/28/2011 at 5:54am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous