By Anonymous - 5/1/2021 23:02

FEED ME

Today, I woke up in a military hospital, after having all four wisdom teeth out yesterday. A nurse came in with a breakfast trolley full of eggs and bacon, looks at my pleading face, looks at her clipboard and says, "Only non-solid foods for you, private." FML

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Messed up

Vulture

Late term

By thefoolwhorippedhispants

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 22:05

She'll come around

Today, my only friend confessed she loved me, but I’m not a lesbian so I had to let her down. Apparently she thought I was a lesbian too, so she ran away mortified. I just got a text that she can’t see me anymore, because it’s too painful. I have no relatives and now no friends. I’m totally alone. FML

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By owwwww - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

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By rocks_hurt

Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML

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By f__k_it - United States

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

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By HSampsON - Niger - Niamey

Today, in revenge for me pulling the old salt-in-the-soda prank on him, my dad showed up at my college dressed in a tight blouse and miniskirt, demanding that I come home early with him. I think I'm going to be lynched next time I go to class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Shot

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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By HellisLikeTheDMV - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I finally went to the DMV to replace my lost license. After waiting for almost two hours, I casually rummaged through my purse. Something strange inside the lining caught my eye. It was my license. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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By laurilove7 - 27/4/2021 20:01

It's a learned behavior

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Turns out, an African-American girl approached her and tried to play with her, but my daughter cut her off and said, "I don’t want to play with a black person." I have no idea where she learned this. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 07:59 - Australia - Bendigo

Mystery unwanted gift

Today, I came back from school camp and really had to go to the toilet. I ran to the nearest one, which was by the principal's office. After I finished, I tried to flush the button. Turns out the water was turned off so it wouldn't flush. I bolted. The principal is now stuck with my unwanted present. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML

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By possibly a sweater - United States - Wharton

Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML

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By upsetandunjustified - United States

Today, I got fired from my job where you build teddy bears. I got fired not because I did anything wrong, just because they don't like my personality. I'd never worked with my boss, and that means all the employees that work there had a meeting about me, and all confirmed they don't like me. FML

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By F.U. QFN - 28/3/2021 00:29

Get out

Today, I was given my marching orders because I corrected my supervisor on something he was actually doing wrong. It seems I deserve this for "not learning to obey my immediate superiors." FML

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By notaprossie - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I started a new job. The supervisor handed me a badge with the name 'Rachel' on it, which is not my name. When I told her this, she responded with, "I know, but it will be easier for the customers to pronounce than your actual name." FML

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By PmS - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

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By ashamed - United States - Brooklyn

Today, in an effort to be more healthy, I bought a pack of protein bars as a substitute for snacks. I ate all 5 of them in one sitting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By EwokLover17 - United States

Today, my iPod came back from repair and still had a distorted sound. I've been through calls, meetings, and repairs with Apple since Christmas, and it still sounds like the half speaker in my old car. Then I found out the new Nano requires you to push the headphones plug in harder. FML

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By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

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By damaged - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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By mandy - United States

Selected

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, when suddenly at the end of dinner he gets down on one knee, takes out an engagement ring, and says, "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

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By Mimi - United States

Today, I was shopping when I overheard a woman telling an employee that she was buying an iPad for her 5-year-old son. Annoyed, I turned around and ranted about how he should have more age appropriate toys. Then she explained that her son is autistic and will be using the iPad to communicate. FML

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By happytuckerhappy - United States - Chandler

Today, I set up a profile on a dating app, stating that I'm awkward amongst other things. Within minutes, a guy messaged me. I was thrilled, until he started threatening me because he has Aspergers, and according to him, only they are "allowed" to be awkward. I had to delete my profile. FML

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By NoBikesForYou - Israel - Ramla

Today, I was showing my 6-year-old son how easy and safe it is to ride a bike. I didn't notice a pebble, bust up my leg and my son is now terrified of bicycles. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 22:01 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Vicious bastards

Today, I decided to go for a jog to try and get fit. I definitely got my exercise in, because I was mercilessly chased by a goose. FML

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By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

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By Ecce - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend jumping on my bed exclaiming that he had "won the lottery." He broke the bed. Turns out he only won £15.80. FML

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By unendowed - United States - Katy

Time consumed

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By hell! - France

Today, I discovered that my 15 year old girl had hidden a disgusting porn film in the "future career" folder. FML

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By hardwarekit - United States - Fairport

Today, a customer bought several drill bits. When I asked him, "Do you want a bag for your bits?" he just stared at me uncomfortably, apparently thinking I was trying to come onto him. FML

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By strongjon60 - United States

Today, at my internship, I was told we were going to do something fun. I was excited, until I found out that this "fun" thing was labeling 500 folders. FML

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Top comments

By Bogrbon | 23

#7962436 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 1:27

Those are my just military eggs or hospital eggs. They’re military hospital eggs. You must be truly desperate soldier!

By kfchicken_fml | 31

#7962550 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 15:03

why were you pleading? it sucks but it is what it is you should know you can't eat solids.

COMMENTS

By Bogrbon | 23

#7962436 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 1:27

Those are my just military eggs or hospital eggs. They’re military hospital eggs. You must be truly desperate soldier!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7962449 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 7:44

Tell her to put some bacon in a blender!

By kfchicken_fml | 31

#7962550 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 15:03

why were you pleading? it sucks but it is what it is you should know you can't eat solids.

By spinspinsugar | 12

#7962630 - Wednesday 6 January 2021 20:32

I had my wisdom teeth pulled, too. while I think eggs are gross, if that was me and I saw bacon, I'd cry lol

By sarahcroy20 | 12

#7962900 - Thursday 7 January 2021 23:43

You're no doubt getting free medical care so maybe you shouldn't complain. Some of us are not so lucky.