Today, after being a dad to five girls for over 40 years, I finally had a son with my new wife. Too bad I'm 78 years-old and probably won't be around long to enough to enjoy having a boy. FML
Today, I met my cousin for the first time in years. She's 19, but she's already engaged to a guy EIGHT YEARS OLDER than her, and they're planning to get married this spring. She said she's excited to have kids soon. She's throwing away her youth to be a fucking Handmaid. This poor girl. FML
Today, I got reprimanded at work for calling off when I wasn’t sick. Apparently someone at the store saw me making online videos. What a great day to try starting my influencer brand. FML
Today, I realized how bad my family is as I slept over at my girlfriend's house and I finally got all the reasons why I like being there: I love her parents like they're mine. They give me, as well as her, lots of hugs, tell me they care about me, and make me feel welcome. Why aren't my folks like that? FML
Today, my husband has been sulking because he got the urge to play Runescape and discovered that his old account was hacked and he lost all his fake money and items. FML
Today, I officially completed my weight loss journey, only for my wife, who'd previously threatened to divorce me if I didn't lose weight, to tell me that she realized she liked me better when I was fat and that "you don't know what you have until it's gone." FML
Today, I suspected something was up when my boyfriend snuck out of bed after he thought I fell asleep. I caught him jerking to porn in the living room and got really upset. He actually got mad, saying, "I have needs and you never put out and get bitchy when I try." FML
Today, I had a dream that my mom hugged me and told me she loved me. I woke up to her banging on my door, barging into my room, inspecting it, and then telling me to “just fucking kill yourself, because you're genuinely a bad person” before slamming my door. My room was perfectly clean and tidy. FML
Today, it's been a year since I graduated high school and nobody, not even my own friends, has hit me up since then. I may as well be dead to them. I was in a band, but I'm now realising they only pretended to be nice to me since I was the only person in the school who knew how to play bass. I haven't talked to a soul other than my family and myself since. FML
Today, my husband and I were having an argument over accidentally leaving a to-go container of leftovers at a restaurant. He asked me why I didn’t remind him and I said that I forgot. He asked me, “What if you forgot to breathe one day? You’d die.” Then he kicked me out of the car and told me to walk home. FML
Today, after weeks of psyching myself up, I finally asked my crush to go out for coffee. She smiled and said yes. Feeling on top of the world, I turned to leave, walked straight into an opening glass door, and gave myself a nosebleed before the date had even happened. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom after my 9 year-old nephew. Apparently nobody taught him to lift the seat when he pees, or how to aim properly, because when I sat down, I sat in his pee. FML
Today, I hate what my beloved Renaissance Faires have become. Hardly anyone dresses in period-accurate garb anymore. Everything is all dumb mushrooms, slutty “fairies”, and pirates. None of which existed in the time period we’re supposed to be in. Nothing authentic at all! FML
Today, my sister, brother-in-law, and all his family cusses at me and has labeled me as a "bad influence" to my nephew. He is smart, good looking, and has A LOT of future opportunities in life. They found out I'm supporting his "worthless" and "penniless" career of choice. He's dead set on being a Roman Catholic priest. FML
Today, I realized my friends were right about my obsession for my only son when I found myself genuinely jealous when I heard he recently got a new girlfriend. FML
Today, my husband told me that he could not love me without sex. My love for him is utterly unconditional. My heart is just broken now. FML
Today, a mutual friend of mine told me that I could do much better than my girlfriend. I ended up asking her who would want to date me. The next thing I know, she was all over me. Needless to say it didn’t take much for her to tempt me and we ended up screwing like rabbits. FML
Today, my husband filed for divorce because he discovered that we're actually fourth cousins. I tried to insist that means absolutely nothing, but he won't listen. FML
Today, I sold my old iPhone 14… or at least I tried. I met the customer and she said, “Gee thanks!” and walked away with it. When I asked for the money, she said, “Suck my dick!” and took off running. I'm too out of shape to catch her and phoneless until I can come up with the remaining $200 to pay for my new iPhone. FML
Today, I used to always say that the only thing that I've ever learned my lesson on, on my very first time, is having children. Now, I'm currently 8.5 months pregnant. HILARIOUS, GOD! FML
Today, my fiancée's son mocked me at breakfast. When I reprimanded him for being disrespectful, my fiancée rolled her eyes and said he was being playful and to stop criticizing him. He's 6, he's damn well old enough to know that mocking someone is rude. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I was tired of waiting for him to propose. It turns out he was going to propose and had the ring and everything, but I fucked it all up. FML
Today, after my long distance "boyfriend" told me he loved me more than the world, he asked for advice on how to talk to girls. He already has a girl from class in mind. What's worse is that I actually haven't broken up with him yet because I know about his home life. I can't help but feel like I wasted my time. FML
Today, my parents tried to apologize for wrongly grounding me. I told them to go fuck themselves, so now I'm re-grounded. FML
Today, I tried a trend I saw where you’re supposed to hug your sibling to see what they do. I didn’t film it, I was just genuinely curious. He flinched and hit me in the face with a book. One of my fillings fell out. FML
Today, I got married and my mom refused to be there because my dad, whose guts she hates, was there even though I promised repeatedly that I would keep them apart. I couldn't do the mother-son dance. She keeps insisting that it was a "lapse in judgment." Yeah, like we're really going to be able to have a do-over. FML
Today, I found out my husband isn’t the biological father of our daughter when we consulted about the bone marrow transplant formula she needs for her leukemia. I don’t know who the real father is because I had a drunken one-night stand at a friend’s birthday party. My marriage and daughter’s life is in shambles. FML
Today, I found out that my son (17) lied about not being able to get the time off from his job for our family vacation and has been partying and screwing his girlfriend while we're thousands of miles away. FML
Today, my friend didn't believe me when I was bragging about how good of a boyfriend my partner finally was. She told me to prove it because he had cheated before. I opened his Instagram and the first DM opened was him cheating. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy. I looked at the menu and yelled, "Who puts caramel on onions? EW!" I then learned that "caramelized onion" is not caramel covered onions. FML
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