Today, an ex professed her love for me. Over the last couple of months I've been talking to another ex, who I'd give damn near anything to be with again. Both cheated on me, and, thinking about it now, my only thought is, "WTF is wrong with me?!" FML
Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML
Today, I was carrying a bowl of cereal to the couch when my cat ran between my feet. I somehow saved every drop of milk but launched the cereal across the room. My cat immediately ate the cereal off of the floor and then walked away looking like he had planned it. FML
Today, nine hours into a ten-hour shift, I accidentally told a customer, "You're a problem!" instead of, "You're welcome!" or, "No problem!" She gave me a dirty look and hurried off before I could correct myself. FML
Today, I was hired from an interview after being fired 3 months ago from an "at will" employer by someone who sabotaged me. They called it "misconduct" but it's real lame. I was filling out the paper in the app and they wanted permission to contact HR at my previous employer to get ANY information about misconduct. FML
Today, I went to a family gathering and was asked by multiple relatives why I was still single. Trying to lighten the mood, I joked that in fact I do have a secret admirer. My little cousin yelled out, "Is it your cat?" He was right, even though, come to think about it, I'm not sure my cat even likes me all that much. FML
Today, I was on a train when I felt the unsettling urge to vomit. I ran to the toilet, but there was someone in there, with another waiting in the corridor. Out of time, and luck, I projectile-vomited into a bin built into the wall. The man waiting for the toilet looked truly traumatised. FML
Today, it's Valentine’s Day and the woman for whom I gave up my traveling $100,000 day job, and two luxurious vehicles for a trailer and a dog, now says she doesn’t want to get married because I have to work a POS job. FML
Today, I got on the bus I take every morning and sat in my usual seat. After about ten minutes, I noticed that the route was different and I had no idea where we were. I had been staring at my phone and boarded the wrong number bus without noticing. FML
Today, I shoveled the driveway because there's enough snow to block my car. Overnight we're supposed to get six more inches of snow. It's like shoveling the driveway is a waste of time because more snow gets piled on it the next day. FML
Today, my boyfriend, a math teacher, wanted to recite multiplication timetables while making love in order to come less quickly. He could only recite up to the number 5 because as it turns out, the timetables actually turn him on. FML
Today, I farted in my office, assuming nobody would come in until the smoke cleared. The new girl then came in to introduce herself. She had her hands on her nose the whole time, while we both awkwardly tried to ignore the stank elephant in the room. FML
Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML
Today, I texted my best friend, “Good luck with your date tonight! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” She replied, "Thanks! I’ll try not to, but to be honest, that’s not saying much." I meant it as a joke, but she had no idea what I meant. It seems that I accidentally implied I’m a bad influence. FML
Today, I had my first trauma nightmare, about my classmates who had drugs planted on them so the police officers could abuse them for being queer. It's been 16 years since high school. FML
Today, I wore a new outfit that I thought was super cute. I was feeling confident until a seemingly drunk woman came up to me in a bar, tapped me on the shoulder, and said, “I don’t know what you were going for with this", gesturing at my outfit, "but it’s not working.” Then she stumbled off to join her friends. FML
Today, I realized our life has been lacking in romance lately, so I got a card, a bunch of flowers, and made reservations at a lovely restaurant for a nice evening. When I got home and gave my wife the flowers, all she did was sigh and ask what I "fucked up this time." She also refused to go to dinner. FML
Today, a student told me to "F*** off!" I reported it to my boss and the student's parent, who is also a teacher at the school. My boss deemed it a minor issue and said we wouldn't be following discipline policy. Now, my boss frequently visits my classroom to bully me, likely due to the two of them being drinking buddies. FML
Today, I took a selfie at a concert with the stage in the background. As I tilted my head to get the perfect angle, I knocked over the guy in front of me’s beer. He turned around just in time to see me dripping in weak piss beer, and my selfie became a snapshot of my humiliation. FML
Today, after 6 months of my baby sleeping 10 hours through the night, she's now going through sleep regression a week before I return to work. I'm now getting about 3 hours of broken sleep per night. FML
Today, I was texting a friend about how my date last night went, which gave me a goofy idea: I thought it would be cute to pretend that I'd made a mistake and send my response to my date, just so he'd know how I felt it went. I should've proofread, because instead of “It went well, he was really sweet!”, I sent him “It went well, he was really sweaty!” FML
Today, I've had a cold that just won't go away for the past few days. After staying painfully awake for most of the day, I eventually fell asleep in the afternoon. When I woke up, I found my hungry cat sitting on my chest. She then sneezed in my face and walked out of the room. FML
Today, my husband sent me some flowers while he's away from town on a business trip. The flowers were beautiful enough that I almost forgot the screenshot his best friend had sent me, where my husband bragged that he'd "probably be drowning in dick when she gets the flowers." FML
Today, I went to the grocery store in my brand new high heels. I tried to be graceful as I walked down the aisle but ended up slipping on some spilled juice and doing a weird half-dance, half-flailing thing. The shoppers around me turned to watch as I clumsily tried to regain my balance. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I also knocked over a display of discounted snacks. FML
Today, I biked to work to save gas money and also to be as eco-friendly as I could. A freak April hailstorm pelted me so hard that my helmet cracked. Local news called it “just another Monday.” FML
Today, I was let go by a job for the second time in less than a month, for the same reason - they couldn’t be bothered to give me any training or feedback. They even said I worked hard and had drive, but the wrong “skill set.” This could have been brought to my attention at the interview. FML
Today, I have a good job that I like and excites me. I screwed up by bluffing my updates on an ongoing task. Now I think my manager is onto me, as he wants me to give a presentation about my current work. I have to complete 10 days of work over this weekend. FML
Life is just one giant storm sometimes!
Today, after I attended the funeral service of a good friend last Sunday, tomorrow I'm going to the funeral of my uncle, and last night my mother just told me she has Covid. Triple whammy. Gonna mask up, stay my distance, and pay my respects. FML
Today, I went on a hiking date with my significant other. Trying to be adventurous and assertive, I suggested we take a shortcut through the woods. We got hopelessly lost and ended up spending the night in a deserted ranger station. Turns out, my idea of adventure is not quite as romantic as it sounds. FML
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