Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit because I snatched a couple of her fries for myself. She regularly raids my snacks, takes food off my plate, and has even stolen my work lunches, but a couple of fries is too much to ask. FML
Today, I finally got round to cleaning out my refrigerator. As I reached the back, I found an unidentifiable, moldy object lurking in the corner. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was once a cucumber. I'm growing science experiments in my fridge. FML
Today, I got divorced. In a 4 minute 40 second phone call with the judge, which ended with him saying, "Congratulations!" I didn't want this. I just didn't see the point in fighting to stay in a marriage that my ex didn't want. Now my underlying depression is worse, and I have to fake it for the sake of our kids. FML
Today, my new online college class about Asian and Pacific American studies is teaching us how to write mini essays, not how to include Asian and Pacific Americans. FML
Today, I found out I didn't get the promotion I applied for. Then I was told I was the only one who applied for the job. FML
Today, as the weather is getting cold, I got my cozy fall sweater out of the closet. I soon realized I had left a candy bar in the pocket sometime last year, and it had melted all over the inside. FML
Today, I refused to have sex with my date, so he called me an Uber from the restaurant to just take me home. I didn’t realise until I got home it wasn’t even an Uber, just a standard taxi who required payment in either cash or debit card, and I had to pay before he’d let me out. FML
Today, I got my heart torn into a million pieces by a girl once again. Four times in a row. I went to hit up the girl I stupidly friendzoned many times. She's lost weight, is married, and is pregnant with their first child. FML
Today, stressed to the point of breakdown over my impending daughter's birth, I went to a small church. After a long talk with the pastor, I finally began to feel some calm and peace. Too bad my wife flipped out, accused me of wanting to make her a "handmaid" and made me sleep on the couch. FML
Today, after years of martial arts training, ballet, and dance, I thought I had pretty good balance for a dude. Then I accidentally stuck both legs in one side of my pants and tipped head first into the wall. The ER doctor has scheduled a test for TBI, and the vertigo “may be permanent.” FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, while at home, I accidentally let out a big, loud fart near my dad. When he asked what the noise was, I blamed it on the cat. I remembered too late that we don't have a cat. My dad caught on quickly and grounded me for lying in front of him. FML
Today, my girlfriend left me at 11pm after leading me on for 5 months, all because she lost interest. I wasted so much time, money, and emotions on her, and never received them from her. FML
Today, I have a zit on the edge of my nostril, along with severe allergies. I can no longer tell if my tears are from pain or hay fever. FML
Today, it was my first shift at Walmart. I wasn’t given an assignment, and my supervisor told me to “go find the manager to get assigned.” I spent the entire eight hours of my shift trying to find the manager. I couldn’t find my supervisor again either. FML
Today, my husband is upset because somewhere out there, on a long forgotten social media site, is a picture of me mooning my geography teacher's house. He doesn’t like that my ass is on the internet. It’s a 30 year-old pic, out of focus, taken on a damn flip phone, and you can’t even see my face. FML
Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML
Today, I wanted to either say, "I already did it, sweetheart" or "I already did it, baby" to my SO, but my brain had other plans. I started to say ,“I already did it, sweet baby” but I got to "sweet" and in a millisecond mentally switched words, so what I ended up saying was, "I already did it sweet peepee." FML
Today, my coworker was going on and on about how her son was nice and got good grades but that she needed to find him a therapist because he's too shy in class, and how she didn't want her friends to think badly of her. She's a counselor. I sat in silence for almost an hour, because all I could think was, "WTF? Poor kid." FML
Today, my brother inherited a book from our grandmother that, in his ignorance, he donated to a charity shop because he’s “not a big reader”. I raced to buy it back, but someone had already bought it. The book in question: a mint condition, 1954 first edition Lord of the Rings, valued at £5000. FML
Today, I was on a Zoom call with my mic muted. Or so I thought. After about a minute, I started ranting about how Janet always gets credit for my work. Janet was in the meeting. So was my boss. None of them was receptive to my criticism. FML
Today, I was put on unpaid medical leave against my will. I’m not sick, nor am I injured. I talked with HR and they can’t cancel it. FML
Today, my fiancé told me that my dad apologized to him that I hadn’t inherited my mother’s chest size. FML
Today, after I’ve been head-over heels crushing on a girl for years, she finally told me she felt the same. A month after I'd moved to a different country forever. FML
Today, my mom told me to take the trash out. I started to, but then I saw that the trash can had been rolled out to the curb, so I went to my room to put on shoes. My mom apparently took this as me deciding not to take the trash out, as she not only yelled at me, but growled and hissed as well. FML
Today, working in PR, I've been unable to attend 2 out of 3 of my booked tours. That "non-refundable, zero excuses" policy with the billion dollar online activities provider has me out $400. So, instead of enjoying what should be a beautiful PR birthday trip, I'm online now scheduling returns of clothes and jewelry to cover the losses. FML
Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML
Today, I kept hearing big *THUD* sounds across the house. The first few times, I didn't think anything of it. But after several more times, I started to suspect there was an intruder. After sneaking through the house, ready to knock out whomever was there, I found out it was my cat pushing things off the table. FML
Today, I had the brilliant idea of scanning my PC in the afternoon, because Malwarebytes told me I might have malware and it's been running hot and slow lately. Five and a half hours later, the scan is 1.3% complete. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML
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