Today, I found out that the mice infestations I've been fighting for the last two weeks was actually a recurring series of tactile/visual/auditory hallucinations, a side effect of a normal, prescribed, dosage of ADHD meds. FML
Today, my eleven-year-old cousin, who lives with me, has discovered Old Town Road. He’s been playing it for four hours on repeat and I’m ready to scream. FML
Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML
Get back to work, you!
Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a "Free hugs" sign. FML
Today, during a brutal two and half hour dental procedure, the dentist kept saying my gums were inflamed, and bleeding a lot. The clichéd "You need to floss more!" tirade. After she was done, my gums were purple, bruised, and had a visible cut on them. But sure, the bleeding was from me not flossing enough. FML
Today, I told my friend that my new neighbor's name is Sandra and "that's pretty much all I know." She responded with, "You're right, Sandra is a pretty name." FML
Today, my husband threw an epic tantrum because I asked him to put away the leftovers from dinner. Yeah, because I guess me going to the grocery store, then preparing and serving the food AFTER working a 10 hour day wasn’t enough. Thanks babe. FML
Today, I found out that my ex-husband was telling the truth, he never did cheat on me. We've been divorced for six years and I just got remarried. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he lost his feelings for me and is breaking up with me. He also told me he’ll be glad to contribute to raising our son, who I gave birth to 3 months ago. To rub salt in the wound, he announced on Facebook as “In a relationship” with his coworker 12 hours later. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend, who broke up with me the day before yesterday, got a job at my workplace. He shows up dressed his best clothes, clean-shaven, and with perfume. For the 10 months we dated, I only saw him in baggy tops, sweatpants, a weird beard, and the smell of sweat. FML
Today, we wrote Valentine's Day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurts to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML
Today, my adoptive parents were harassed yet again simply because they're black and I'm white. FML
Today, I somehow miscounted the steps on the staircase I've used multiple times a day for 20 years, then fell all the way to the bottom. Doctors say I fractured my coccyx, which is basically the ass bone at the bottom of my spine. I can neither sit or lie on my back for at least 6 weeks. FML
Today, my pug farted so much that I thought there was an actual gas leak. I kept checking the oven and making sure our C02 detector had batteries before I heard a squeaky fart come from my dog. Don't get a pug. FML
Today, my wife inherited her grandparents' farm in Hawaii and she is now dead-set on uprooting our kids and everything, and moving the family there. I keep telling her that just isn't feasible or financially possible, but she won't take no for an answer. FML
Today, after six months of building my SaaS (Software as a service) every night after work while juggling life with three kids, I finally launched it. Two months later, it’s still getting almost zero traffic. Turns out building the product was the easy part… getting people to actually visit it is the real nightmare. FML
Today, I attended my wife's cousins wedding. While trying to help struggling teens with fireworks, I got shot in the eye by a commercial-grade firework. I spent the rest of the night in the ER, then headed to see the eye doctor. I have about 75% of loss of vision. Hopefully it's not permanent. FML
Today, I realised that I live to work. I’m not even good at my job. FML
Today, my ex, who only came back into our kids' lives a year ago, is bitching and moaning he can’t teach our son anything because he's already taught it to himself with DIY instructional YouTube videos. Did he really think our son was going to wait four years to learn to use a drill or buzz saw? FML
Today, I realized I probably have more chances of finding intimacy and companionship working as an escort than by online dating, because if I get paid to spend time with someone, I’ll decide to just go with it and enjoy myself, but on an actual date I will most likely second-guess and self-sabotage all the way. FML
Today, I had a job interview that I really wanted to nail. Everything was great until the interviewer asked me why I left my last job. I meant to say, "I felt it was time for a new challenge," but instead I said, "I felt tired of pretending to care." The look on their face was priceless. Needless to say, but I don't think I'll get the job. FML
Today, I asked my boss if I could take a vacation day for my birthday on Monday. She called to tell me yes, and then told me I'm getting laid off. FML
Today, after two months of being apart from my wife of five years, who'd returned to Panama to deal with a family issue, she innocently slips into conversation that she’s been hanging out with her high school boyfriend. When challenged, she responded, “You get to see me all the time!” FML
Today, I got an email from my ex after he ghosted me for 5 months with no specific cause. He told me he had been seeing someone else for 3 of the months he had ghosted me for. He ended up changing his number and everything. What a lovely way to spend your birthday. FML
Today, I tried to fix a leaky pipe after watching a tutorial. I turned what I thought was the main valve to cut the water, loosened the pipe, and immediately got sprayed in the face. In my panic, I tightened it wrong and made it worse. I had to call a plumber while standing in a puddle, holding a towel against the pipe like that was helping. FML
Today, I look five months pregnant, but alas I'm just full of shit. I wish I could poop. FML
Today, all that I wanted for my birthday was for someone else to pick out a cake flavor, and to spend the day alone. I've been asked ten times what kind of cake I want, and my husband took a off work. FML
Today, on the third day after I developed what I thought was gout for the first time in my 62 years, it turns out it was just a spider bite on my toe. My wife still thinks I had been drinking on the sly. FML
Today, I had some “me time” at my computer. I'm not quiet. Finished up only to discover that I was still signed into voice chat on my computer in a public server from a previous conversation with a friend. I don’t think anyone heard me, but what if they did? FML
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