Today, after a 3-day induced delivery for my twins, and after getting stitches down there, I woke up to boobs that are the size of footballs, and still no milk coming out. The pain of chopping them off at this point would be more bearable. FML
Today, I got looked at weirdly for brushing my teeth in an airport bathroom. FML
Today, during a Zoom meeting, I thought my mic was muted. I sighed loudly and muttered, “I have no idea what this guy’s talking about.” The “guy” immediately stopped talking and said, “If you’re confused, I can repeat stuff.” Everyone stared in silence while I melted into my chair. FML
Today, I unthinkingly did something dangerous and now I have a painful kink in my neck. What dangerous thing did I do? I yawned. Twice. FML
Today, my brother let us know his wife was in labour. I rang him a few hours later to ask how it was going. I wasn’t expecting him to switch to video chat to show me “The Miracle.” I now know what my sister-in-law's vagina looks like in the middle of birth. FML
Today, everything I touch goes wrong or into the trash. Whatever I do at work, I screw up somehow (in new ways every time) and get blamed. I worked for months on something, only for it to be scrapped. I just feel like I should give up on everything, including life. FML
Today, I found out my new neighbour tried to report me as a terrorist for, "speaking terrorist language and moving bags of that explosive fertiliser." I’m Japanese, and the bags were mostly rotting vegetables and animal dung. FML
Today, my roommate eavesdropped on me singing. When I realized he was there, he said I was "fucking incredible" and asked me to do another song. There's just one issue: I only sing well when I'm alone. The result was predictably bad. If it was possible to literally die of embarrassment, I wouldn't be writing this. FML
Today, I discovered my 17 year-old daughter has an eating disorder. When I confronted her, she confessed that she’s doing it because she wants to stay thin, so that her boyfriend doesn’t dump her like her father dumped me for not being thin enough. FML
Today, I was preparing to leave my campsite when I noticed that my neighbors were trying to put up a canopy. I walked over and said, "Do you need a hand?" Then I noticed the man had a prosthetic hook. FML
Today, I was at the grocery store when I bumped into my ex. Trying to be polite, I asked how she was doing, only for her to reply, "Great, thanks! I'm actually getting married next month." Meanwhile, I was standing there in a Garfield t-shirt clutching a carton of Ben & Jerry's and a bottle of cheap wine. FML
Today, I really realised how bad my anxiety had gotten when we got our corporate photos done for work. My smile was shaking so much the guy couldn't take my photo. FML
Today, I remembered my landlord telling me that the renovation of our apartment would cause some "minor inconvenience during 3-5 days". We actually spent 5 WEEKS with no windows, no kitchen, and no bathroom, with construction workers appearing in my bedroom and telling me to get out at 7 a.m. FML
Today, instead of getting ready for Mother’s Day weekend, I’m recovering from emergency surgery. Last year my kid gave me COVID for Mother’s Day. The year before, my whole family forgot. FML
Today, I thought I'd patched up the hole in my window pretty well. That is, until I heard a buzzing noise in my room. There was a huge ass bee that somehow got inside and was trying to escape. I would've helped, but I'm terrified of bees, and I'm now afraid to enter my room. FML
Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend for the first time in two years with the guy she told me "not to worry about" and they were celebrating their 3-year anniversary together. FML
Today, I had my first sexual encounter/kiss. I’m 37, which I know is a strange age for firsts. After blowing him for a bit, he started to f**k me, then went soft. He called it "whisky dick." Then he was on his phone. It took all of 30 minutes, then I was home again. FML
Today, after weeks of being up nights to hand feed nine puppies, I, an insomniac, finally got to sleep during the day, which isn't easy for me, only to be woken by my partner asking me a stupid question that was unimportant, then made to feel like a jerk for being angry. I'm now stuck awake, pissed. FML
Today, I took out a thief using my martial arts training. Everyone thanked me, even the police. My mom spent the rest of the day moaning that if I’d minded my own business, the thief would've been gone in two minutes, but thanks to me we had to waste an hour of her day off talking to the cops. FML
Today, I was playing Wii Sports Golf. At the start of the final hole, my cat happened to run right in my way and I accidentally hit him, in addition to the ball. To add insult to injury, the ball went in the water, and my cat fell and landed in his litterbox. FML
Today, I just had surgery and my wife finally wants to have sex. Not that there haven't been enough other days in the previous years of marriage… FML
Today, I confidently corrected someone’s pronunciation of a word during a conversation. They pulled out their phone, looked it up, and turned the screen towards me. I was wrong. They said, “No worries!” while absolutely worrying me forever. FML
Today, my body has always been in a perfect cycle. The week after my ovulation, I start getting (in order, on a daily basis) dryness, itching, low energy, depression, manic mood swings, loss of appetite, bloating, and finally, when the back pain comes, my period. It all hit me in one day. Why? FML
Today, a shop I do work for sent a driver to pick up a large item. The driver was helping me load it, but was struggling and holding it awkward like he didn't know how to hold something heavy. Angrily I yelled at him to grab it like me with both his hands gripping the bottom. Turns out he was missing a hand. FML
Today, I tried to unlock my front door before realizing I was at the wrong apartment, on the wrong floor of the building. The actual resident opened the door while I was still jiggling the handle. This has happened twice now since I moved in a month ago and am still confused by the floor signage. FML
Today, my wife and I were looking online at the house her piano teacher is selling. When she said, "Oh the bedroom looks much larger with the furniture gone," a long awkward silence followed. FML
Today, because of my life situation, I was told I'll have to have a colonoscopy without anesthesia. FML
Today, my brother has decided to hustle hate groups. Everyone, including the police, think he's some sort of Robin Hood. I wouldn't have a problem with this, except he's trying to recruit people. Any day now we're going to be attacked by Nazis. FML
Today, while I was trying to put my high fluoride toothpaste on my toothbrush, I miscalculated the pressure and ended up squirting a massive glob all over the bathroom cabinet and a rug that was on the floor. My stepmom says if we can't get the bleach stain out of the brown rug, I'm going to have to replace it. FML
Today, after dating my girlfriend for a while, I had a realization. She often says things like, "You're my favorite!" and scratches my beard, which I appreciated affectionately. Upon meeting her pets, it dawned on me that I am just another one of her cats. FML
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