The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Donut scandal

Today, in the doughnut shop I usually go to, I bought 3 dozen to take home. A new clerk rang me up and, with an attitude, said the store is cashless only now. Despite me showing cash to pay with like I always do, I was judged by other customers as if I was a deadbeat. She then threw a fit for cancelling and returning the items. FML

Disappointed

Today, my phone received a text which rarely happens. While getting my phone, I stubbed my toe, just to see a message from a telemarketer. Now my toe hurts and I didn’t even want what they were selling. FML

Late bloomer

Today, I saw one of my best friends having sex with a girl at a party. It was the first time I'd ever seen a girl naked. FML

Memento

Today, I saw a photo of my wife's ex sucking her boobs in her old phone. I'd told her about em, but she appears to have still kept them because it's a year later, and they haven't been deleted. FML

Long road ahead

Today, I came out to one of my best friends as non-binary, and told him (with their permission) that some of our friends were trans. He told us that we were all idiots and refuses to accept us. We've known him since 3rd grade. FML

Splinter cell

Today, because of my inexplicable tendency to constantly get giant splinters in my feet, which generally take at least half an hour of tireless effort to remove, my family and friends have nicknamed me "Footy Woody." FML

Batshit soup

Today, I was doing laundry and realized that my father had left dirty underwear soaking in a bucket outside for the last two weeks. I informed him that they needed to be thrown out, and they smelled like sewage. It's been over 95 degrees outside lately here. He then yelled and sweared at me. FML

Karen of the day

Today, my ultra-Christian neighbor called the cops on me (again). This time, it was because she could smell "weed" coming from my apartment. I was burning sage. FML

Today, I received a series of rejection letters from jobs, one after the other. Last night, I stayed up into the wee morning hours to apply to campus jobs I'm not qualified for, because I was classified as a part-time student due to an administrative error. FML

Blackout

Today, I failed my maths exam because of one single question, which I have been practicing for months and gotten very good at it. It was the first question… however, when the exam started, I forgot it all. FML

Parting gift

Today, the girl who lived downstairs and who was also sleeping with my guy moved out. She left a stack of my mail she had been taking at my door. FML

Panic

Today, I'm a bookkeeper for a small company next to the ocean. It’s usually just me in the office, except when the owners stop by unannounced. I take #2s discreetly so they dont walk in on me. Today I couldn’t get my #2 to flush and didnt have a plunger, so I scooped it into a pitcher, ran outside, and threw it in the ocean. FML

Radar

Today, I was woken up at 5:15 AM to the lovely sounds of my cat barfing in three different places on my bedroom carpet. FML

Wakey wakey

Today, my boyfriend had an appointment he had to wait months for, after he finally agreed to try to figure out what's making him so tired all the time. He slept through it. FML

No shit

Today, I had a dream that I was having one of the best poops of my life. I woke up feeling very content and relaxed, until I rolled over and realised it wasn't a dream. FML

Thanks dude!

Today, my car broke down at a red light. A man pulled up next to me and yelled at me to get out of the fast lane. I thought he was gonna offer help, as I was a young woman on her own, but he just yelled at me and sped off. FML

The writing's on the wall

Today, my wife told me I’m not worth the trouble. She’d rather overextend herself for complete strangers than spend any time with me. I should've seen this coming. Even before we got married, her favourite line was, “You already had children with someone else, we’ll never be a family.” I tried for nothing. FML

Obsessed

Today, and ever since my girlfriend and I watched the movie Obsession, she now thinks it's funny to watch me sleep, screams "STAAAAY!!" whenever I move when we're cuddling, and stands still by the door with a giant smile whenever I come home. FML

Kidblocked

Today, I swear to Christ my kid has a sixth sense. He's normally chill and well behaved, but every single time my wife and I have a moment and things start heating up a little, he either starts crying or throws a tantrum over nothing and kills the mood. FML

Wage slave

Today, I talked to my boss about my pay decrease since switching job locations, and how I feel I should be getting a bit more. Her response? “Absolutely not.” FML

Capitalism, baby!

Today, it's day three of my dad not shutting up and still complaining about the Super Bowl commercials being "too woke". FML

What goes up must come down

Today, when I wasn’t looking, my brother added 50 kilos to my barbell at the gym, which I obviously dropped right on my neck. I’m not sure what it’s called but the doc says I broke my Adam’s apple and that I'm lucky to be alive, since it could have broken my neck. FML

Be careful what you wish for

Today, I finally gave into a kink I wanted to try out. I asked my boyfriend to send freaky voice clips of him barking and whimpering. He actually did it, and It immediately gave me the biggest ick. I am now stuck with his horrible "sexy" barking. FML

Like the deserts miss the rain

Today, my wife of 18 years and I went to a party. We arrived and left separately, and didn't even talk to one another while there. I miss her. FML

Betrayal

Today, after 10 hours of radio silence, my boyfriend of one month, who pursued me for almost a year and spent the last two days at my sister's wedding weekend being introduced to my family, wants to give his ex another chance after sleeping with her during their "talk about their arrangements for their son." FML

I don't wanna go

Today, I came home after spending the past two months at summer camp, just for my parents to excitedly announce that I'm going to be spending the next two weeks in Florida with my grandma. We have to leave in literally a couple hours. FML

Bad boy!

Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

Today, my new roommate, who seemed to get along with me just fine up until now, has requested to switch to a different room. Apparently, I was making racist comments in my sleep. FML

Bad omen

Today, it’s Easter Sunday. I have a countdown timer on my phone for when I can retire. I checked it : only 666 days left. FML

Le digestif

Today, at the age of 21, I need digestive enzymes. Apparently most people start needing them in their sixties, but my parents and even my grandparents don’t need them. Without them, the food just sits in my stomach for days before eventually coming back up. FML