Today, my dear wife, an expert seamstress, took apart one shoulder of my favourite vest, looping the whole shirt through itself like a figure of eight, then stitched it back up. It took me over a full minute to realise why I suddenly couldn’t fold it flat, and she recorded me failing at it. FML
Today, I discovered that when they remove your cancerous prostate, your penis will shrink by the exact length of the removed prostate back up into your body. So not only do I now need pills to get a boner, my boner has shrunk from a respectable 5 inches to just under 3. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend’s bitch of an ex about why she won’t let him see their kids. She laughed hysterically then showed me screenshots of all the times she offered to drop them off and the excuses he made. An hour later, she dropped three kids at our door and stopped answering her phone. FML
Today, my sister-in-law had the nerve to hijack my baby shower to announce her pregnancy. It's all the more infuriating because we later found out that she's NOT pregnant, just a fucking attention whore. FML
Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML
Today, after 5 years of marriage, my once-gym-mad husband is now so unfit that even standard missionary sex makes him so breathless and light headed, he has to stop in case he passes out. He hasn’t given me an orgasm in over a year and yet he insists nothing's wrong with him, and that I’m just being mean. FML
Today, I tried singing in front of my friend. She said, "That's a hilarious voice! You should use that voice when telling jokes!" FML
Today, my sister went from choosing not to have kids because they just aren’t for her to being obnoxiously childfree. We can’t have a single conversation without her ranting about how much she hates children, and parents are pathetic losers. I have three kids and don’t want her around. FML
Today, it's the third day of me having a migraine. I just want to kill myself. I've tried tablets, no screen for 20 hours, sleep, hydration, food and everything. If it were not for my loving husband and caring kids, I wouldn't hesitate to kill myself. This is a monthly routine now, one week out of order. FML
Today, my wife asked me to wrap an empty box to put under the Christmas tree. She didn't want her vlog followers to think she didn't get me any gifts. FML
Today, after dating someone for a year and a half, upon meeting his mother for the first time he'd told me she has bad anxiety and that he’s going to introduce me as his friend, and the only reason I was meeting her was because she was selling her deceased husband's car. FML
Today, I desperately want a kid with my wife, but unfortunately I'm stuck on the hook for child support. The kid was a mistake, a pregnancy from a relationship that lasted less than two months, and unless I can get my payments reduced there's no way my wife and I can afford a kid of our own. FML
Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML
Today, almost every girl in my contacts thinks I’m sexually unattractive, and one even said I’m "too nice.” The one girl that is sexually attracted to me only wants me for sex, and wants nothing else to do with me. FML
Today, I reprimanded my daughter for eating too many chips, since it's not good for you. She responded with, "Know what else isn't good for you? Two cigarettes a day." I couldn't even come up with a retort. I can't believe I just got burned by a ten-year-old. FML
Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML
Today, I went to go soak my dentures because I fell asleep wearing them last night, only to find that my boyfriend threw away the container they were in, thinking it was trash. FML
Today, I got up and walked to college for my only class which started at 9 a.m. after a night of restless sleep. Our exam is two weeks away, so I thought it would be better to attend. Apparently, my teacher thought differently. FML
Today, I went to my husband’s work party where employees could bring a plus one. There, I met the colleague he talks so much about. She looked noticeably disappointed and said to my husband, “Wife?! You told me you were single!” We’ve been married for 7 years. FML
Today, my mom wants me to get an exorcism because piercings, tattoos, my own car, my own career, moving out of her house, and wanting zero contact with her from now on are "sure signs of demonic possession", maybe even the influence of Lucifer himself. FML
Today, my girlfriend got drunk and started crying, begging me to never break up with her, only for her to say 10 minutes later, "I don’t wanna be with you anymore." Then she asked me if she could buy me some pot, and, "Let’s watch movies." FML
Today, I was hitting it off pretty well with a girl I met through a dating app. However, she's never going to speak to me again because I also happened to "match" with her friend. How was I supposed to know they knew each other? FML
Today, my sister, who used to be my best friend, texted me asking why we never talk anymore. Hmm, maybe it’s because she stopped answering my calls, texts, carrier pigeons, smoke signals, psychic reachings, and every other form of communication since she got a new boyfriend six months ago. FML
Today, I'm 25. I dropped out of college when I was 19 because I didn't fit in. I was developmentally behind and looked like a fifteen year-old. All of high school I was excluded. I'm back in college now, but everyone still feels more mature than me. I no longer look or act young for my age due to years of stress. FML
Today, my husband and I shared a chinese prawn dinner. I now have the most violent shits I’ve ever experienced in my life. He is completely fine and keeps rubbing it in my face by being able to eat his meals without throwing them up. FML
Today, I woke up groggy as hell because my Rottie kept growling at something all night long. I went to get coffee in a daze and saw mouse shit floating in my brew. I cleaned up after the bastard mice, then stepped in coyote shit on my way to the newly dumped-over and shredded garbage cans. FML
Today, I received an e-mail from a place I'd interviewed at, telling me they won’t be offering me the position. They came across an old Twitter account of mine, where I posted X-Rated content and sometimes stereotypical and dark humor. I don’t even remember the e-mail and password so that I can deactivate it. FML
Today, I accidentally texted "Haha, what a fucking weirdo!" to the person I was talking about. Their reply? "At least I’m not dumb enough of a cunt to send texts to the wrong person." FML
Today, I'd finished cleaning the interior of my vehicle, but seconds later, a stray cat jumped in through the other opened door, and took a dump right in the center of the mat inside. FML
Today, I arrived at a cheap but nice hotel. I normally couldn't pay for it, but it was only slightly more expensive than camping, so I decided to treat myself. Ten minutes after arriving, I felt dizzy while standing in the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, and broke the lid almost in half. It'll cost me 50 euros extra. FML
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